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If you’re like me and use Tumblr as a means of mental and emotional escape, then you’re subjected to a steady stream of elevated – nay perfect – images that will make you question your integrity and maybe even your will to live as your eyes begin to glaze over from excel spreadsheets. The following images were ripped from my tumblr (like hell I’m going to credit the source, none of them are correct anyway) with a corresponding description that I deemed fair.
Cape Cod Cottage
“Charles, can you grab the mixers?” Holly nimbly turned the knob to the patio with her elbow, undeterred by the sweating, ice-cold bottle of vodka she held in each hand.
“Honey, who needs mixers? There are organic lemons and limes already cut up on the table.” Charles laughed as the golden retrievers raced one another up the steps before jumping back into the pool, relieving themselves from the heat of the midday sun.
“This is so much better than having children,” Holly smiled as she poured an ample helping of Absolut for each of them, garnishing their smattering of water crackers with brie and drops of jam.
The Connecticut Homestead
“Nothing but carbohydrates and wine! Carbohydrates and wine!” Dolly crowed, spinning around the kitchen without spilling nary a drop of her chardonnay. The kitten that had been following her around for the better part of an hour batted at her flowing silk skirt, and gave a lengthy purr of approval when she was whisked off the floor and onto the counter top where fresh tuna awaited.
“You spoil him rotten,” said Jocinda, polishing the silver with gruff vigor.
“That’s because he won’t leave me,” said Dolly softly, stroking him behind the ears and dipping her wine glass so he could lap at it.
The Virginia Getaway
“You simply need to stop using the first-editions as coasters. I won’t stand for it.”
Larry dropped his newspaper to scornfully eye his fiancée. “They’re wrapped in heavy plastic. And trust me, you don’t want to be touching those copies of Hustler without gloves.”
East Hampton Escape
Chip wound the blanket more tightly around himself, shivering against the morning chill as he watched the fog roll in from over the hills and dissipate over the water.
“What a beautiful morning,” he thought to himself, pausing to watch the patterns of morning light play on the surface of the waves. He gathered up his sunglasses, weathered boat shoes and cardigan before swiftly walking away, trying his best to not disturb the nameless girl passed out behind the lounge chair. Thinking better of his actions, he walked back a few steps towards her and took a photo for Snapchat purposes before retreating to civilization.
The Aspen Excursion
“Darling, I need more cloves for the mulled wine.”
“We can text the boys’ they should be coming down from the slopes anytime now.”
A gust of wind and snow entered the cabin along with Shep and Jimmy, white as spectres with beet red noses.
“Whew, you should have hit the mountain of us — nothing beats morning powder.”
“I only take my powder in line form, and you didn’t even notice all the aesthetically placed candles I lit,” pouted Shelley, stretching across the couch in her cashmere track suit. “Now, who wants to get wasted and play Twister?”
Respond
sarahsolfails
Writer in NYC. To quote Dr. Seuss, "Being crazy isn't enough."
@urbanJAP
@sarahsolfails
Who are we kidding? They’re not drinking Absolut.
Love this writing style.
Getting wasted and playing twister sounds like the BEST time.
Where is Virgina?
Do lonely women really feed their cats wine?
That’s a question I’m not sure we want to know the answer.