People Are Going Off On “Making A Murderer” Prosecutor Ken Kratz’s Yelp Page

People Are Going In On

Making A Murderer is a phenomenon. Dean Strang, Avery’s attorney, has somehow become a sex symbol all over the internet. Over 200,000 people have signed a petition urging Obama to pardon Avery (which I’m pretty sure he doesn’t even have the authority to do). And Ken Kratz, the case’s prosecutor, is just getting brutally skewered everywhere you look for his text message scandal, his soft creepy-ass voice, and the narrative he faked throughout the ten episode run.

Because the internet is the internet, people have officially started going in on him on his new firm’s Yelp page. I don’t care if you think Avery is innocent or guilty, but funny is funny when it comes to these.

Ken represented me, all he did was force himself on my in a sexual way.

I started receiving text messages in the middle of the night of Ken’s genitals.

I can’t tell whether she’s trolling Kratz or this actually happened. That, in itself, is scary.

Are you a victim of a sex crime in need of some self-esteem-enhancing sexts from an older affluent (by Wisconsin standards) mustachio-ed lothario?

Are you a vindictive dirty cop who needs a charismatic prosecutor to help you put an innocent man in jail?

Are you a developmentally disabled teen who needs some help fabricating a confession inflammatory enough to get you life in prison?

Do you feel like the criminal justice system needs more perversion? Or even just more perverts?

If you answered “YES” to any one of these questions, then Ken Kratz is your man! With a proven and documented record of obsession with his own penis and vindication of corruption, Ken Kratz can help you perpetrate your evil deeds – he might even join in the fun, because if he’s anything, he’s a people person.

Ken Kratz – because he’s never met a work of fiction he thought was too sweaty to repeat. Or embellish.

Kratz is a catch. He’s proven it time and time again, and he also expressed that via text message from his million dollar home that he bought with his $350,000 salary.

I was facing four counts of aggravated littering and 1 count misdemeanor J walking stemming from a Packers vs. Vikings incident that I’d rather not elaborate on. I’d heard from a mutual acquaintance of Brett Farve that a guy down at the sexting club lodge was a fine attorney. I was excited but I thought for sure that Ken. being… you know… a celebrity and that, would be out of my price range.

I generally think of myself as an honest, albeit slightly overweight and perhaps a tad hairy man. But Ken assured me with that unique falsetto that I was a “Hot Nymph” (a statement I am told is complimentary in nature) and that we could “work something out” as far as a retainer. We settled the tab at his $350,000 house that he purchased with his 6 figure salary.

Although many swear Ken is a dishonest megalomaniac who is not to be trusted I can tell you emphatically that he kept his promise not to “cum in my mouth”.

Utilizing his “connections” at the county sheriff’s office Ken was able to “pull some strings” and I was cleared of all charges!

Ken is the “real prize”. And I’m not saying any of this under threat reprisal. Honest.

I have never called someone a “Hot Nymph” when courting them, but Kratz is a wordsmith so you have to think his success rate is decent.

Of course you are a Republican. A fat, pasty, sexually frustrated, piggy Republican that likes to take advantage of borderline retarded Manitowoc citizens. And it appears you also like to sexually harass victims of domestic violence, too.

I sincerely hope you rot in Hell. That your begging for mercy — with your creepy, falsetto voice (that makes stomachs crawl everywhere) — goes unheard.

I wasn’t aware this was a Republican/Democrat issue, but I’d vote for a candidate solely based on their feelings of the Avery case.

Disregard all the 1-star reviews, these people have clearly never used Ken Kratz for legal services and are simply reacting out of anger toward a soft, gentle man with a passion for justice and a heart of Golden Corral after watching a random documentary on Netflix. My experience with Ken was nothing short of astonishingly excellent.

When my dog Skips was quietly murdered in his sleep at the ripe young age of 26 Ken Kratz helped my family find justice. He immediately made us feel comfortable in his office with his soothing Michael Jackson voice and even offered us some snacks from his personal stash while we waited: three rotisserie chickens, 8 lbs of mashed potatoes, and a mostly full bucket of creamed corn. He then expertly located the suspect in Skips murder by simply standing at his window and pointing to a Wisconsin local passing by while saying ‘how about this guy?’ I was skeptical at first but after a series of press conferences and a 4-day trial Ken was able to get the bastard convicted. And to think that monster that killed Skips tried to use the excuse that he was blind and had both his arms amputated as his defense! Well Ken saw right past that nonsense. After the trial he was even kind enough to keep in touch with us, particularly following up repeatedly with my girlfriend and sister via text message. What a great guy.

In conclusion, Ken Kratz is a wonderful attorney that will get your man regardless of the presence of concrete or even loosely circumstantial evidence, and if you ever need a dog or human murderer put away for life in Wisconsin Ken is the man for the job.

Seems harsh to drag Golden Corral into this, but if Kratz is a Golden Corral superfan, then my time there is done.

My experience with Kratz Law Firm has, frankly, been a mixed bag.

Let’s start with the good:

– Highly professional and courteous throughout. Very few questions or judgments from the get go. All that Mr. Kratz required was payment and my daughter’s cell phone number (still not sure why), and he was on the case!

– Quick turnaround. In less than 24 hours from our initial contact I watched gleefully from my front porch as my neighbor Jimmy was tackled in his robe by FBI agents and dragged into the back of an unmarked white van.

– Jimmy’s beagles no longer relieve themselves all over my freshly kempt lawn.

– Jimmy’s wife no longer complains about my tree line spilling into her yard.

– No longer have issues using Jimmy’s pool at 2 in the morning. Before I engaged with Mr. Kratz it was all “It’s my pool” and “It’s 2 in the morning, I have work tomorrow.” Seriously Jimmy? God I hate you.

– Commitment to excellence. When Jimmy refused to cooperate after 16 hours of interrogation, Mr. Kratz was quick to act. 12 hours and 1 lobotomy later and Jimmy admitted to the murder in addition to the murder of JFK, 2Pac, and for his role in the disappearance of Nemo. Deplorable, Jim.

Now for the not so good:

– Received a text from Mr. Kratz at 4:00 AM one morning instructing me to come over so he could “pound me dry.” Text included graphic images of a flaccid scrotum and testicales that appeared to have been dipped in some sort of gold alloy. When I confronted Mr. Kratz regarding this he explained that “hackers” were responsible, adding that he was “a prize.”

– Woke up one morning to find Mr. Kratz standing over my bed breathing heavily holding a syringe. When I asked him what he was doing he simply stated “This isn’t where I parked my car” and left.

– Purchased a 2014 Chevy Carolla instead of a 2004 as we had initially discussed, and billed me directly for the difference in costs. Frankly I don’t see why he needed to plant DNA in a 2014 Chevy as opposed to a 2004, but he assured me this was in my cases best interest.

– Had police and investigators inside Jimmy’s house for 6 weeks straight, effectively ending any hope I had at the time of finding street parking.

– Lack of attention to detail. While spraying the victim’s blood all over Jimmy’s yard Mr. Kratz inadvertently got some on the side of my new pool, unnecessarily burdening me to spend additional time and money on maintenance. He refused to compensate me for this error.

All in all a rewarding, albeit confusing, experience. Would recommend to anyone with that special someone in their life who needs to be decimated.

We may need to hire this guy.

In case you’re bored and obsessed with Making A Murderer (like I am), read all eleven pages of reviews here.

Image via YouTube

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Will deFries (Twitter / Instagram) is a Senior Writer at Grandex and the world's foremost authority on Sunday Scaries (Twitter / Instagram). Email me at

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