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*Saturday morning 10:37 a.m.*
Eric: Holy shit. I went haaard last night, guys. I would rather have actually been hit by a Mac truck. Please bring me the sweet release of death.
We all know an Eric. And we can all expect this type of text most Saturday and Sunday mornings because they crave the attention and sympathy from everyone in the group chat. When most normal people have started their day, this person is still stewing in their own filth from the night before with last night’s whiskey-ginger still on their breath, questioning every decision they made the night before. Everyone has been there before, so we can all relate to their situation. But when the topic of hangovers governs the conversation every single weekend, it makes me want to vomit even though I tapped out at three beers the night before.
I’m not going to sit here and tell you that I’ve never had a hangover because I unfortunately lack the super powers of our very own Dillon Cheverere. However, I am at the point in my life where I realize there are consequences for my actions, particularly in the alcohol consumption area. When the entirety of your snapchat story is you ripping tequila shots at the bar and chasing them with a baker’s dozen of domestic lights, you’re probably going to be paying for it the next day. We get it, Elizabeth. You went 0 to *100 emoji* last night. We all saw the highlights when we cleared our social media queue first thing this morning while you were still asleep.
There are certain events that warrant an update to your crew about the status of your liver: bachelor/bachelorette parties, birthday parties, Halloween, and New Year’s Eve to name a few. This is mainly because not hearing from someone after one of those events is legitimate cause for concern of one’s well-being. By and large, however, bitching about your hangovers is old hat and it is high time stop doing it. There is a plethora of other trivial things to bitch about. Like why do avocados have only a 45-minute window in which they are suitable to eat? Or why do the self-checkout machines at the grocery store consistently suck?
If you are over the age of 24 and consume more than six adult beverages on any given night, you can reasonably expect to not be on your game the next day. Act like you’ve been there before. Drink a Pedialyte, take some Alka-Seltzer, sit in a sauna, pour yourself a Bloody-Mary. Whatever you do, please don’t waste your breath complaining about a hangover to me. It’s gotten old..