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Have you ever been in the left lane minding your own business passing slow people in the right lane while doing about ten over the speed limit? Eventually you look in your rear view mirror with a vehicle riding your ass so hard you can’t even tell what it is. Soon a white 2015 Dodge Ram with tinted windows and black rims weaves around you in the right lane barely missing the car you just passed, his absurdly wide tires almost brushing the slow car. As he drives recklessly by you, Cody looks at you with disgust through his white Oakleys. When you finally see the back of his truck, it all makes sense: scribbled in white in the center of his rear window is a massive Salt Life decal.
I too once had that Salt Life decal on my truck’s rear window. Mine even had a dolphinfish in the middle to match my dolphinfish key fob. Have I ever caught a dolphinfish? Of course not, but I do love to crush some mahi mahi at dinner. I live in the hills of Appalachia, a good 4 hours from the nearest beach (and 6 hours from the nearest good one). I go to the beach at most three times a year. Why the hell did I have that stupid sticker? I’m glad I finally saw the light. Salt Life stickers are an epidemic and we need to help these lost people.
I’m talking about Kim, who received a free Salt Life decal when she bought 4XL Salt Life t-shirts for her husband from Belk because they were buy one get one 50 percent off. She put the sticker on the bottom right corner of the back window of her Ford Escape because she already had the Browning heart logo in the bottom left corner. She lives in Ohio.
Kinzleigh bought a sticker at beach week in Myrtle Beach in 2013 and it still sits across the back window of her Jetta. It’s got a couple chips in it but that’s okay, because she actually forgot it’s back there. She posts the same picture she took at the beach three years ago on Facebook about four times a year, so maybe that’s her definition of the Salt Life.
We all know a Chase, who slapped a Salt Life sticker on his Yeti that only holds 12 beers because he couldn’t afford a larger one. The cooler never even travels to the beach, it spends most of the summer sitting in the bed of his Tacoma. The cooler’s full of water and 9 warm beers because he only drank 3 last weekend before his ex-girlfriend McKenna showed up to the bonfire and he got sad and went home.
My point is, none of you actually live the Salt Life. In fact, not a lot of people do. The Salt Life isn’t even that glamorous. Have you ever lived at the beach? It’s actually kind of miserable to share your town with a bunch of tourists for four months and then live in a ghost town for the next eight. I once was just like you, but then I saw the light. Please, let me help you save yourselves..