No One Really Wants To Shower Together

No One Really Wants To Shower Together

There’s been a lot of shower talk on this website. Sit down showers, shower beers and showering after working out have all been covered ad nauseam. You may have shower fatigue, and if that’s the case, might I suggest taking a long shower to relax? Don’t get me wrong, like most rational and hygienic human beings I love showering. I just prefer to shower alone.

Originally, I thought about directing this at females exclusively, but I realized men are just as guilty of this particular crime. The offending party usually begins by innocently uttering the phrase, “Hey babe, wanna come join me?”

No babe, I don’t. First off, this isn’t a two person shower. It’s not even big enough for one person because this building was built in the late 1800s when nobody was over 5’9. Second, I was actually planning on washing my legs today. I can’t do that with your soapy ass in my stomach. Ten out of every ten times we “shower together” I end up standing at the end of the bathtub with my teeth chattering like a cartoon character while you hog all the hot water because you “have to wash your face” for 13 minutes before going to bed without brushing your teeth.

My daily shower is my last bastion as a man. I use those ten to fifteen minutes of steamy solitude to let my mind wander, work out new stand up bits out loud like a lunatic, and not spend any time with anybody else. This isn’t even directed at the Capital F Fiancee. This is directed to each and every person who thinks showering with their significant other or recent hookup is in any way fun or intimate. It’s not.

Don’t you dare try to join my shower either if you “can’t get your hair wet today.” I have a big head that refracts streams of water like a damaged sprinkler. It gets everything wet: the ceiling, the mirror above the sink and the plants on our bathroom windowsill. You wouldn’t go to an Indian restaurant if you “can’t get diarrhea today” would you? As a guy, I’m lucky that I can dry my hair quicker than a woman and never need to avoid getting it wet. That doesn’t mean I should be punished by your dry hair agenda.

The obvious solution here is two shower heads. I’ll take it one step further and suggest two separate showers. In two separate bathrooms in two separate apartments in two different parts of town because I don’t care how late you are for work, go home and shower there. And if the Capital F Fiancee is reading this (she isn’t), I hung the hose over a tree branch in the backyard. Go nuts.

This week on Don’t Take It From Us, JR calls in from a tin can in Mexico and Jenna does her best robot impression as the duo play another round of Nothin’ But a Good Thing, grade Bumble profiles and discuss hooking up with your best friend’s siblings. If you haven’t followed the DTIFU Music Spotify playlist yet you can listen here! Please don’t forget to leave us a 5-Star Review on iTunes! The funniest 5-Star reviews get read on the pod and the winner gets to be a guest on a future episode!

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JR Hickey

Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.

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