No One Cares About Your Podcast

No One Cares About Your Podcast

A favorite brunch activity for 20-something girls, besides pretending like their Seabreeze is calorie free, is to find whichever girl will admit to being active on the Tinder circuit and group swipe with her phone. Screenshots will happen, immature squealing over impeccable jawlines will be heard between sips of Bloody Mary and bites of frittata, and eventually the “bad girl” of the bunch will get at least two dick pics from strangers. At some point during the swiping and the disgust from the messages someone will say:

“Why do guys think we’re going to go to Soundcloud to listen to their podcast? Boys are so dumb.”

And while she’s maybe a little sloppy due to breakfast cocktails and not eating enough of her avocado toast with poached eggs, you have to admit, Katie’s got a point.

So to those who do this, from me (and Katie) to you, and I say this with love: you gotta cut it out.

Do you think that by slipping a link to a free download of you ripping off something you heard on This American Life for and hour and twelve minutes is going to impress people? Everyone thinks they’re funny. Everyone thinks they’re smart. Everyone thinks they have something original to say. Know why? Because we’re the millennial generation; we all think we’re special. You don’t win any points from anyone because you happened to spend $160 on a mixing board at Best Buy one Sunday afternoon on a whim.

Why are you plugging it on your Instagram page? Come on, dude, I’m just here for pictures of your gourmet burgers and your golden retriever puppy. I’m not interested in seeing you hopelessly promote recordings of yourself giving long-winded and far-fetched conspiracy theories about Serial that has all of 32 listens. And let’s be honest for a second. You’re 12 of those listens, aren’t you? (You are.)

Look, I get it. We all have goals and we’ve all got to start somewhere. But it’s really hard to find genuine interest in listening to you say “um” between every four words through your less-than-professional (read: found it for $14 at GoodWill) microphone about ideas that Michael Ian Black either already did or could do better. It’s also hard to take you seriously when I ask what you do for a living and you say “Well, I have a podcast…” but I know for a fact you work in sales at a start up. That’s not an answer, that’s a diversion and I don’t appreciate it.

Your best friends aren’t listening to your podcast. Your 137 Twitter followers aren’t listening to your podcast. What makes you think anyone who happens to stumble upon you because of the “Discover” section of Instagram or happening upon your Tinder bio is going to listen to your podcast? Honestly, I admire your tenacity and fearlessness with the shameless self promo and all, but you need to reevaluate if you want “Crazy Talk” or whatever you’re calling it to take off.

And under no circumstances will it be cool if you start a Kickstarter for your podcast. If you can’t afford to keep it running because no one is listening, take the hint and take up marathons. Or paddle boarding. Or golf. Or literally any activity that doesn’t require you making a 30-day page where you beg people to give you $10 so you can continue to plan “recording sessions” around when your roommates aren’t home because it’d be pretty embarrassing if they caught you laughing at yourself with headphones on in the kitchen. All your Kickstarter is going to guarantee is that a lot of people unfriend you on Facebook.

Stop advertising your podcast to complete strangers. Hobbies are great, but you’re admitting that you spend your time inside talking to yourself instead of hanging out with people. Your crazy is showing, you might want to go ahead and tuck that back in.

But since we’re on the topic. Does someone want to give me $1500 so I can fire up “Pillow Talk with Kendra”? No? Fine.

Image via Shutterstock

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Kendra Syrdal

Once in college John Cusack asked Kendra to sing for him. She said no. Visit her website to ogle at her face and send hate mail //

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