No One Cares About Your Life Event

No One Cares About Your Life Event

Heyyyy there! Remember me? It’s Rebecca…from college! We met two or five times at various off-campus parties sophomore year! I think your friend Ted was trying to get with my bestie Lexi. We were actually partners for a game of beer pong at 1:35 in the morning one time. You don’t remember that? You don’t remember me creepily friending you on FB the next morning? Was it because I thought we’d made a serious connection, or was it because I was six new friends away from breaking a thousand? You’ll never know! How crazy is it that we’ve still remained such good Facebook friends all of these years after graduating?!

I don’t know if you’ve been following my timeline (I’m sure you have), but in case you missed anything, here’s what’s been happening with me. Junior year, I studied abroad in London and it was uh-MAZE-ing. Senior year, the love of my life Kevin dumped me because junior year I studied abroad in London.

After school was done, I moved back in with my parents and just sort of puttered around my hometown, taking a lot of pictures with my family dog and working on my fashion blog. Ha, why am I telling YOU this? I’m sure you read some of the posts.

It wasn’t until that winter that I finally got my first full-time job! It’s a part-time internship at an insurance company in the northern suburbs. I don’t mean to brag, but it’s a pretty well-established company. I’ll give you a hint: “What are you wearing, Jake from State Farm? UM KHAKIS!!!” lolololololol

Eventually I had to leave that job because some weird stuff happened between me and my boss there. I’m not sure what the problem was, but it sounded like his wife is a real bitch and I think he can do better.

Fortunately, this allowed me more time to work on my tumblr (the blog’s currently on hiatus) and pursue a sales role in the field of telecommunications. Currently, it’s only in retail, and frankly, I’m not sure if Sprint is the strongest cell phone provider to be working for, but apparently I have the perfect background for the job according to my also-married boss.

Anyways (I’m rambling), I’m so glad you’ve come all this way for the big news! It’s not everyday that something this important is broadcasted out to all 2,438 of my closest friends. It’s taken a lot of time, soul searching and reading inspirational quotes on Pinterest, but there’s something I have within myself that I can’t hold in any longer.

I’d like to make an announcement.

No, no, it’s not that I’m engaged nor is it that I’m pregnant. Yes, I realize that’s what announcements are usually reserved for. My news is far more personal and important for me and my journey, and frankly if I can’t get all 2,438 of you to at least acknowledge that, then I’m not sure if I can go through with it.

(deep breath, long sigh)

If only Kevin saw me being this brave right now…

“Ladies and gentlemen, I’d LIKE TO ANNOUNCE that I’ve decided… to go back to school to become a kindergarten teacher. My hope is that very very VERY soon I’ll be in charge of molding the young minds of the future. Thank you soooo much for all of your support during this very enlightening journey for me. I love you all.”

Now that you’ve heard the BIG news, I only ask of you one thing: Please, please make sure to let me know how proud of me you are. And of course, don’t forget to ‘like’ my status. I really could not have done this without you. I can’t wait until a year from now, when I gather everyone together again for the big announcement that me and my tattoo artist boyfriend have decided to rent an apartment together. Weeee!

Image via Shutterstock

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JR Hickey

Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.

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