No One Can Get Anything Done Because Everyone Stopped Drinking Coffee

I have no idea how anyone does anything without coffee. My morning typically goes like this: make horrible, burnt coffee in my Keurig that tides me over until a mediocre pot of coffee brews that tides me over until I can make it through the drive thru at Starbucks. I have to get about three cups in me before I get any actual work done.

America runs on coffee, or at least it did.

Apparently, this is becoming less and less true for modern Americans. A study by the National Coffee Association recently showed that, for the third straight year, coffee consumption in America has fallen.

As opposed to 63% in 2013 and 61% in 2014, only 59% of Americans now drink a daily cup of coffee, which so clearly explains why it seems no one can get anything done anymore. My waits at the DMV, delayed email responses, and wait times while on hold with my cable company all suddenly make sense.

America, get your head out of your beautiful ass and drink some rocket fuel. I don’t care if you kill the environment with your k-cups or throw a stick of butter in there, just drink the stuff so you don’t piss me off while us mocha-latte-blooded Americans are trying to do our jobs.

I have to say, I was surprised at the results of this study considering the huge emergence of hipster coffee shop snootiness in the last few years. Everyone knows that if you don’t have at least three local coffee shops managed by late-twenties men that looked like they just popped out of a thrift store ad, then your city is a failure.

Please, for my sanity, for all of us, start drinking coffee again. A $0.75 gas station cup is a small price to pay to not get yourself killed by failing to submit your expense report on time for the third month in a row. Just do it, okay?

[via Fortune]

Image via Shutterstock

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Steph W.

Steph W. is a new Master's degree graduate with an intern's salary and six-figure taste. She realizes her expectations far exceed reality, so she spends her days pinning away Loubs she pretends are in her physical closet instead of her virtual one. Her hobbies include attempting to trapping her boyfriend into marriage before he finds out how insane she is and pretending that Black Box wine tastes as good as the kind she could afford when she was gainfully employed. Send her tips for getting out of student debt at

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