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By now your coworkers have heard your hard opinions on every team in the NFL, and an opinion like that needs like, at least three games to change. This week, you’re letting them know how you feel about certain players and how their performance affected this week’s outcome or the whole season. Five weeks is plenty of time to make a decision on someone. You’re calling your busts, breakouts, and goddamn disappointments. Who needs to retire, who needs to be released, and who needs a long-term contract.
Anytime a coworker brings up a team, just make sure you have a hot take on one of their players, either blaming them or giving credit for anything their team has done. You successfully called the Dolphins firing Philbin last week so they’ll be looking to you for solid commentary.
Bye Week Teams
Jets
“You can be a decent football team with Ryan Fitzpatrick, but you can’t make the playoffs with Ryan Fitzpatrick.”
Panthers
“How great would it be if the Eagles had Cam Newton instead of having to watch him carry the Panthers?”
Dolphins
“All the Philbin fallout was interesting. Who woulda thought that Suh isn’t the biggest asshole in that organization?”
Vikings
“I hate Teddy Bridgewater’s gloves. Hate them. Can’t get over it.”
Teams Who Played
Patriots
“It’s borderline horrifying that Tom Brady is in his late-30s and still abusing opposing defenses. I can’t bear to watch the Pats be good for another decade.”
Colts
“Matt Hasselbeck beating the Texans after shitting his brains out all week was more inspirational than the trailer for He Named Me Malala.”
Jaguars
“I’m just going to blame this loss on the ghost of Justin Blackmon’s career. Holy shit this franchise is a mess.”
Giants
“Eli Manning is incredible. 85% of the time he’s fucking atrocious and then 15% of the time he’s football Jesus.”
Bills
“I’m gonna flip-flop again and go all-in on Tyrod Taylor, he’s a damn winner. I reserve the right to change my mind in a few weeks.”
Raiders
“I was this close to getting a forehead tat of Latavius Murray’s jersey as appreciation for carrying me in fantasy. And then he hurt me, he hurt me real bad. At least they have an awesome celeb tweeting about them…”
Tough loss today @RAIDERS, but on the bright side, Ryder's soccer team placed third in the City Cup!!
— Guy Fieri (@GuyFieri) October 12, 2015
Bears
“Somehow Jay Cutler manages to have the worst turnovers ever but still win. I can’t even wrap my mind around the guy, he’s a legend.”
Ravens
“As long as Forsett keeps pumping out solid fantasy games again, I don’t care if they now suck.”
Steelers
“Mike Vick is going to have one of those Madden 2004 games on the Chargers.”
Titans
“I didn’t pay attention when the Titans had the ball and I know you didn’t either.”
Bucs
“So anyone think that Jameis leading the nation in picks last year was a red flag? I know they won, but holy shit.”
Eagles
“Good for the Saints giving Chip Kelly false hope. He’s going to be coaching at The U next year.”
Saints
“This Saints team is the worst thing to happen to New Orleans since… yeah, you know where I’m going with this. Poor out some for Drew Brees.”
Redskins
“There is zero chance that Kirk Cousins is that much better than RG3. He might not even be starting for Michigan State right now.”
Falcons
“I really don’t want to be the down guy here, but I feel like Matt Ryan is just gearing them up for a 14-2 season with a blowout playoff loss.”
Texans
“What’s worse, losing to Hasselbeck, or having the most pathetic QB battle in football? Mallett and Hoyer are both equally so bad.”
Bengals
“I’m still not going to believe in Andy Dalton. He has to be raising a Super Bowl trophy above his head while holding three forms of government ID for me to believe he’s a good QB.”
Chiefs
“Pour one out for Jamal Charles and three of my fantasy teams.”
Browns
“Man Josh McCown was awesome; I can’t even remember what that backup’s name is now. Jeffey Football, or something like that?”
Chargers
“I laid down a sizable amount of money on Rivers throwing 3 picks tonight, because fuck him.”
Packers
“RODGERSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!” This is all you have to say about them for the rest of the year.
Niners
Kap didn’t play well enough to win, but he played well enough to beat me in fantasy. ISIS-looking ass, ugly throwing motion-having douchebag.”
Rams
“They may not make the playoffs, but they’ll be the team I bet on most as an underdog this year.”
Cards
“Starting to wish we had gotten to see Carson Palmer not wasting his early years on the Bengals and Raiders. Holy shit, they’re good.”
Broncos
“They keep winning, but I’m starting to get legitimately worried about Peyton’s safety. He looks like he needs a cane.”
Cowboys
“Replacing Romo with Weeden is like replacing Mick Jagger with William Hung.”
Lions
@sportspickle @FakeSportsCentr @DrunkMiggy the Lions season summed up in one drunk fan pic.twitter.com/d1y2gB2aaU
— Derek Hoffman (@Derek_Hoffman58) October 11, 2015
Image via YouTube
Respond
Kyle Bandujo
The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.
@kylebandujo
@bandujokyle
kyle.bandit
As a Lions fan, I felt very similar to thar poor girl during the game, and I only had one bloody mary at brunch…
I’ve watched basically every Lions game for the last 20 years, and I am reaching my wits end. Last year was a “just the tip” season and now we’re back to being blue balled for another decade.
I get it, man. Only God knows why.
Browns division win in Baltimore had me feeling great about my Monday and that does not happen often. I better enjoy it, because there is always a real chance that you won’t know what winning feels like again for almost 300 days when you root for the Browns.
Thank God the Cards are getting some love. Scary team we have here in the valley.
Guy Fieri is a grade A chode
Guy Fieri travels the country promoting small business. If you hate Guy Fieri you hate the American Dream- Jtrain
As a Falcons fan, I expect a bad playoff loss every year so I would be pretty happy to have 14 great Sundays. I’d call that a success.
I unintentionally left out the Seahawks, but let me just say, their sub .500 record feels good
I’m just hoping the Colts don’t completely shit the bed this time, but Tommy Touchdowns shows no mercy and that “kicked in the head by a Clydesdale look” Luck has been sporting isn’t very comforting.
I full concur with the sentiment of “fuck Phillip Rivers” so much so that exact phrase cause a giant fight with my ex on Twitter ending in me telling her to sit in the corner, because, you know, I’m an adult. A drink adult. But still an adult.
I can’t wait to have Chip back coaching Oregon