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If there’s one thing that sports produces, it’s outlandish opinions. If you ignored the NFL this weekend but want to make an impact at the water cooler, this is your week to lay down some hard statements. You can’t just give highlights every week, your coworkers will eventually sniff you out like a guy who sharted when he got back from lunch. Four weeks in, every single football fan will have made their own conclusions about each team, some positive, some outrageous, and some god damn depressing.
Pick a few teams, take a hard line on them, and stick to it. As long as you can start up a decent debate and then fall into the background, you’ll be fine. Each game that’s brought up, make sure you have a go-to quick take on each team at this point in the season. You’ll get bonus points for demanding coaching or personnel changes.
Jets
“I’m fully confident that the Jets will be between 7-9 and 9-7 for the next five years.”
Dolphins
“Suh signing? Mistake. Tannehill extension? Mistake. Fire Philbin, clean house. The only good thing the Dolphins have going for them is being fictionalized on Ballers.”
Colts
“If the Colts didn’t have Andrew Luck, they’d be a bottom-5 NFL team; they could barely beat the Jags.”
Jaguars
“Holy shit, things are looking up for the Jags! Almost beat the Colts! Playoffs next year?”
Giants
“The Giants are going 10-6, put your money on it.”
Bills
“It was fun while it lasted, but the Bills won’t win another two games. Nice try, Rex… starting fucking Tyrod Taylor, you trickster.”
Raiders
“I went all in on the Raiders, and they fucked me over like a Vegas prostitute. They’re bums.”
Bears
“Unpopular opinion here guys, but Jay Cutler is a winner on and off the field, so he’s got my faith back.”
Panthers
“The Panthers are the most overrated 4-0 team there is. They gon’ learn soon!”
Bucs
“Maybe Jameis shoulda stayed in school… pros, he learns how to stop having four pick games… cons, he fucks up again… Bucs shoulda taken Mariota.”
Eagles:
“Pompous ass Chip Kelly is going to be coaching in the Big 10 next year, Eagles are picking in the top 10 guaranteed.”
Redskins:
“These guys may not be so fucking bad. Playoff dark horse, they’ll be in the hunt at the end of the year, mark my words.”
Falcons:
“Falcons are the best team in football right now, and holy shit is Devonta Freeman the best RB in football?”
Texans:
“They should trade JJ Watt and just blow everything up, get like, 14 draft picks. Yes, I said it.”
Bengals:
“Andy Dalton has finally gotten over the hurdle…kinda wish I hadn’t shit on the guy for three years…”
Chiefs:
“They’ll be 7-9 and be as boring as you can be with an elite running back… goddamn game manager QB’s.”
Browns:
“If Josh woulda won this game he could’ve overtaken Luke as the most successful brother, but when you’re starting for the shitty Browns, you’re second banana to the guy with a Verizon commercial.”
Chargers:
“The Chargers will probably sneak into the playoffs and I’ll hate the shit out of Phillip Rivers for every second of it.”
Packers:
“Super Bowl. Write it down.”
Niners:
“Cleaning house again, and a top-5 pick. Write it down. And that coach definitely farted.”
Rams:
“They may not make the playoffs, but they’ll be the team I bet on most as an underdog this year.”
Cards:
“They’re still really damn good. Everyone messes up from time to time. Ask Jared from Subway.”
Vikings:
“If AP lays off the switch, they’re playoff bound next year. Teddy’s gloves still bother the fuck out of me though.”
Broncos:
“Peyton’s body looks like it’s playing with Madden 2002 graphics.”
Saints:
Good for Brees. They still suck.”
Cowboys:
You get 1 of 3 options:
“Tough loss, but Weeden showed promise; they may be able to stay afloat.”
“Weeden has the pocket presence of Helen Keller, they’re cooked.”
“You hear a rumor that this game sent Crash to the hospital?”
As always, make a brief reference to your fantasy team, bonus points if you blow up Dorn’s Twitter about it. Whenever anyone asks you about the bye week teams, simply state “You know, I still haven’t seen enough to get a read on them.” .
Image via Shutterstock
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Kyle Bandujo
The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.
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Vikings:
“If AP lays off the switch, they’re playoff bound next year. Teddy’s gloves still bother the fuck out of me though.”
Teddy looks like Mario out there, but with less talent.
Coming into the office today like
I don’t have a GIF of Lance Dunbar shredding his knee on the kickoff, but if I did, that’s how I’d be coming into the office.
Losing to the winless Saints was rough, watching Brandon Weeden go against the Brady Revenge tour will be worse. Anyone want to go to the pumpkin patch next Sunday?
I can’t look away