NFL Water Cooler Talking Points: Week 3

NFL Water Cooler Talking Points: Week 3

Week 3 is when NFL discussion starts getting a little different. Not everyone is following every single game anymore because that early season feeling of “HOLY SHIT, FOOTBALL IS ON” has faded. Everyone is still keeping tabs of course, but instead of browsing every game with a child-like enthusiasm, people are getting particular about who and what they’re paying attention to, and it falls into a two categories.

If you yet again didn’t pay a damn bit of attention, but don’t want to feel left out, pick your go-to category and run with it. It’ll be easier this week, and you don’t have to know about everything that happened.

Comments About Your Team

By now, everyone is feeling one of three things about their team: Hopeful, Depressed, or Uncertain. Get a gauge on your team and run with it.

“God, the Bears are fucking terrible, and God I hate Jimmy Clausen. You guys see that Jared Goff from California? Looks like first overall pick material.”

“I wish I would’ve stopped watching the Cowboys game at halftime. How about that first half running game though? There’s hope right?…….RIGHT?”

“I told you guys the Texans would score enough to win at least once this year. Ryan Mallett still looks like shit though.”

“Pats are the best team ever, fuckin 50-bomb, and Gronkkkkkkk, Goooo Pats.”

(Everything said about Pats, if a Pats fan, must be in an awful, obnoxious, and overly confident Boston accent.)

“Really glad the Eagles spent all that money on DeMarco Murray, and really glad they made the trade for Bradford. Fuck Chip Kelly, I don’t even care that we won.”

“Same old fucking Jets.”

“Lions gonna Lion.”


(Also must be said obnoxiously, as if it might be your last chance all season to be that confident.)

“The Seahawks will be fine, I wasn’t worried at all. They smacked them. And don’t say just because it was against the Bears, because they’re still an NFL football team…kinda.”

“At least we scored. Go Jags.”

“I’m struggling with a hangover from hell right now since I started drinking mid-way through the first quarter of the Niners game and didn’t look back. We suck.”

“Guys, I still believe Joe Flacco is an elite QB.”

“Peyton looked okay, but his body is quitting on him like a drunk Papa John’s delivery guy.”

Comments About Your Fantasy Team

Disclaimer: Be aware that no one gives a fuck about your fantasy team, so don’t go in-depth about all the moves you made, or every single agonizing roster decision you faced. Guys love talking about fantasy football, but only their teams or players in general, so keep it brief.

“Devonta Freeman was a godsend for me this week. He won the game for me.”

And on another other note…

“Devonta Freeman ass plowed me this week; the guy beat me single-handedly.”

“Gee, thanks, Big Ben, really glad I started your five points and subsequent injury.”

*A key to being a fantasy football asshole is completely disregard the fact that you’re upset with someone for getting hurt.

“I had Greg Olsen benched until 11:55. Saved my week by making the switch.”

“Tyrod Taylor is the real MVP.”

Make just one comment about either: a big waiver pickup, a guy you missed out on, and a terrible decision you made to sit someone. Just one. Anything more is overkill.

“You guys hear Crash Davis might actually win a game?”

Image via Action Sports Photography /

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Kyle Bandujo

The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.

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