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I had the pleasure of having access to a pontoon boat this past weekend. While I prefer the speed and sex appeal of a sleek, rum runner-esque cigarette boat, the pontoon has qualities that are attractive in a different way.
Pontoons are comparable to the charm of a funny fat guy – he doesn’t have the body of a classic Adonis (i.e. the rum runner), but he still cleans up nicely for himself because he has a personality. That’s what the pontoon has – a personality. It’s here to party, and all of your friends are invited.
I was staying in an Airbnb, and included in the rental for the weekend were the keys to a Cypress Kay somewhere around 20 feet in length. I grew up down the street from a lake, and I always had friends whose parents owned boats. In between runs on the water skis or inflatable tubes I was able to pick up on basic boating skills and seamanship which I wouldn’t otherwise know.
By the time I was headed off to college, I had a cursory knowledge of boating and the open water simply from getting invited to go tubing, and it was these jaunts as a wannabe water sportsman which afforded me other opportunities as I began my descent into debauchery on open water on college spring breaks. I became the go-to guy in college and post-grad for all things boating.
How and when to drop anchor, undocking and re-docking, types of propulsion, and fuel management. I am by no means claiming to be a master seaman, but I am proficient. It was during this period (when I would have to show people how to tie off, where to drop anchor, etc) that I realized boating is a job more than anything else.
While it is incredibly fun to be the driver of the boat, the guy that people look to for direction, it is also a hassle that I would never in a million years willingly sign up for. We’ve all heard that age-old adage – “The best days in a boat owners life are the day he buys, and the day he sells his boat” — and I think for the most part that is true.
In all my years as a passenger on boats, do you know what I never think about? The fees involved in putting a boat into the water, building a dock for said boat, and storing that sucker during the months when it’s simply not possible to leave it in.
I never worried for a second about what I was going to do with that pontoon last weekend because it was somebody else’s problem once my Airbnb rental ended. All I had to do was sit back and enjoy the open water (I couldn’t drive because I didn’t have my boater’s license) while somebody else drove me around and filled up the gas tank.
I helped with docking and anchoring when needed but it was a breeze for the most part, and that is, in of itself, what you want out of a boating experience.
Yeah, you’re going to have to help with the onboarding of beverages, life jackets, tubes, various rafts, and anything else you’d need, but at the end of the day, you’re not the owner of the thing. You’re free from the shackles of that fucking boat as soon as you get off of it, and that my friend is better than gold. Always the guest, never the owner.
I’ve been known on occasion to dabble in extremely old, super obvious takes (i.e. John Duda’s Thoughts On Florida Georgia Line and Minor League Baseball Players Don’t Make Enough Money) and I know that most of you are smart enough to avoid the pitfalls of boat ownership.
But it’s hot outside, beers are flowing, there are attractive women in bikinis, and people make reckless decisions with their wallet after a hot ride around a body of water with the wind in their hair. Don’t be a sucker. Just accept the invitation to get on board when you get one and leave it at that. .
Respond
jduda@grandex.co
What the fuck is that stock photo
That’s me doing my best Kylie Jenner impression
I really hate you.
You nailed it but I’m still wildly uncomfortable.
#art
My first tough time as well.
There are very few thing better than literally not doing anything on someone else’s boat. #boatguestforlife
While it is nice to use your friends for their nice things, it’s also hard to beat being the captain of your own boat…women love captains
“It’s easy to grin when your ship comes in, and you’ve got the stock market beat! But the man worthwhile, is the man who can smile, when his shorts are too tight in the seat”
“I christen thee, the Flying Wasp”
Soo….do women love me?
I would assume there are a few out there
I just want her to call me captain, I don’t actually want to be one
Proud Pontoon owner here, it’s great to be able to go boating whenever you want and not have to wait for an invite. That said my boat is always open to guests, anytime any of you find yourself in KY there’s a spot on my pontoon
Cumberland? That’s the best lake
Pontoon owner as well. Dallas area folk, same offer (Ray Hubbard)
Grew up on Dale Hollow; on Barren River now. Driveway to Captian’s seat 25 mins can’t beat that
Fellow Dale Hollow’er here. I always tell people it’s just “okay” because I prefer for it to continue it’s run as the hidden gem
If your buddy invites you out on his boat, chip in for gas. $20 a head at least. Also, bring some extra brew dogs to share with the captain.
Well, we’re in luck because our generation will probably never own anything except our misery lol okay have a wonderful weekend, everybody!
I’m not smart enough to avoid boat ownership
Name checks out.
Not having to worry about getting caught boating under the influence is huge
The Nina, the Pinta, the Santa Maria (OH)
I’ll do you in the bottom while you’re drinking sangria
Is it possible to have a bad take in picture form?