It started subtly. My wife walked into the room. I had my feet propped up on the ottoman while watching baseball on a Saturday afternoon.
“Would you want to see ‘Guardians of the Galaxy’ tonight?” she asked casually.
I perked up. My initial thought was, “Oh my gosh, my wife thinks ‘Guardians of the Galaxy’ is a chick flick starring Rachel McAdams. What an idiot!”
Then my second thought was, “Wait. Is ‘Guardians of the Galaxy’ a chick flick starring Rachel McAdams?” Honestly, I was unaware of this vague Marvel comic book when it first came out, so for all I knew, “Guardians of the Galaxy” could have been some sort of sequel to “The Time Traveler’s Wife.”
After a quick Google search to validate that “Guardians of the Galaxy” was indeed a superhero movie with more than three explosions, I responded, “Sure!”
Crap, I might have responded too quickly. I forgot to cover all my bases before spitting that out. I could clearly see her use this against me in the future: “Remember that time you dragged me to ‘Guardians of the Galaxy’? Well, now I need you to clean the entire house…twice.” So, to make sure she wasn’t just saying this (and because I’m the most selfless husband since Bruce Jenner) I said, “Babe, you know ‘Guardians of the Galaxy’ is a superhero movie, right? I’m not sure you’d like it.” She simply replied, “No, I know. I think it looks good. I’d like to see it.”
I was in the clear. “Okay! Cool,” I agreed. This was the easiest I’ve ever had to work to get something I wanted. Hashtag marriage.
A few days passed.
My wife said, “Babe, we need to start watching ‘Parks and Recreation.’ It’s on Netflix.” This was another rare instance. If the show isn’t “The Bachelor,” any show on HGTV, “Pretty Little Liars,” “Dancing With The Stars,” literally ANY show on HGTV, reruns of “Friends,” “Dance Moms,” or even late night infomercials on HGTV, my wife doesn’t watch it. As for myself, I love any sitcom not named “Two Broke Girls.” Again, I was taken aback by this suggestion. But like the scenario earlier, I didn’t question it. “Sure, honey!”
A few more days passed.
I heard a shriek from the next room. “BABE! GUESS WHAT?” my wife shouted. “What?” I yelled back. “CHRIS PRATT IS HOSTING THE SEASON PREMIERE OF ‘SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE’!” Being the pop culture guru I like to think I am, I played it cool. “Who?” I figured he was just the host of some reality show on HGTV or something, thus explaining my wife’s utter joy. “He’s the guy from ‘Guardians of the Galaxy,’ ‘Parks and Recreation,’ and…” I stopped listening. My brain began putting the clues together. She wanted us to go see “Guardians of the Galaxy.” She wanted us to start watching “Parks and Rec.” I overheard her talking to one of her girlfriends at a party, saying, “Oh my gosh, Chris Pratt is so dreamy! If he walked in here right now, I would totally leave my husband for him because he’s so dreamy and my husband sucks and stuff!” I didn’t think anything of that comment at the time, because I just thought Chris Pratt was the real estate agent on HGTV’s “Love It or List It.” And now she was excited for an episode of “SNL” hosted by this guy?
It was suddenly becoming all too clear.
MY WIFE IS OBSESSED WITH CHRIS PRATT.
Now guys, I’m not sure if your wife is obsessed with Chris Pratt or not, but get on your hands and knees right now and pray that she’s not. Don’t get me wrong, my wife has had celebrity crushes before, and they never bothered me. George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Matthew McConaughey, Seth Cohen from “The O.C.”–none of those guys were a problem for me, because they’re all very attractive superstars (except maybe Seth Cohen, but I don’t care about him because, come on, he’s Seth Cohen!). But Chris Pratt? He’s so…so…normal. Like, Chris Pratt would be the guy you run into at Costco. Chris Pratt would be one of the guys on your weekly bowling team. If Chris Pratt wasn’t an extremely successful actor, he’d be the shift manager at your local Foot Locker.
Saying you have a crush on Chris Pratt is like saying you have a crush on Topher Grace.
He’s not even that attractive.
Sometimes he’s chubby, sometimes he’s not. You can’t continuously fluctuate your weight and be considered extremely attractive to the general public. I mean, you don’t see anyone who’s extremely attracted to Oprah.
He’s not even that funny.
He’s in “Parks and Recreation,” but he’s not Amy Poehler, Nick Offerman, or Aziz Ansari. My parents watch “Parks and Rec,” and they agree that I’m “much funnier than that Chris Patch fella.” Chris Pratt was in the movie “Bride Wars,” and I had to yawn mid-sentence just typing that. He was also in the movie “Take Me Home Tonight,” which, ironically, is what I would say at the movie theater every time he would appear onscreen. (Yes, I was the guy who saw “Take Me Home Tonight” in theaters. I don’t want to talk about it.)
I find it worrisome that my wife has a celebrity crush on a guy who is so normal. You know who else is normal? My wife’s husband. If she wants to have a crush on a guy who is as normal as a Wheat Thin, she should have a crush on me.
If Chris Pratt was ever asked, “Who are you wearing?” on a red carpet, I’d bet nine times out of ten, his answer would be, “Oh this? I just got this at Kohl’s.”
Alright, yes, he was in The Lego Movie, which was the funniest movie I’ve seen in 3 years, and yes, he played Scott Hatteberg in one of my all-time favorite movies Moneyball, and yes, he was discovered waiting tables at a restaurant in L.A. and I used to wait tables at a restaurant too, but he’s still dumb. Oh, like I’m supposed to be impressed that he loves rap music and he can rap nearly every word to Dr. Dre’s album 2001, one of my favorite rap albums of all time? Big whoop.
Ok, yes, I’ll admit, it is also kind of cool that he was once homeless, living out of a van in Maui. It’s cool that he overcame those odds to get to where he’s at today. And it’s cool that he was born in Virginia, Minnesota, which I’m sure is very nice this time of year. It’s also cool that he is married to actress Anna Faris. I bet they make a really cute couple. They’re both so funny and extremely attractive. They both have a son named Jack, who I’m sure is just a delight and oh my gahhh I’m obsessed with Chris Pratt too..