As last week was the last of my technically single life, I thought I would have some time to breathe before diving headfirst into wedding planning. Boy was I wrong. Turns out if you want to have a wedding next summer you should have had the guest list, venue and invites straightened out yesterday. As both an organized and opinionated guy, I’m doing my best to be an active participant in the wedding planning process. So I put together a small list of non-negotiables for the Capital F Fiancée to take into account as the clock ticks down to our big day.
1. California wedding. Yeah, it’s going to be more expensive, but for 75% of my guest list this makes it a destination wedding while at the same time keeping it local for us. I didn’t move here three years ago to get married in Schaumburg, IL at a Marriott by the airport where I tried to book a room to get laid on prom night before I realized Red Roof Inns existed.
2. A wedding video. During the reception I would love it if a personalized video of us was up on a screen while “Shipping Up to Boston” plays on repeat interspersed with my high jumping highlights from high school.
3. No children. In fact, we’re not even going to have a ring bearer or flower girl. In their places we’re going to hire many well-trained birds. I want her to think she’s walking down the aisle in a John Woo film. I’m not even going to have a best man. Instead, a parakeet will sit on my shoulder and say my funniest tweets out loud. Sorry, no feeding him.
4. Cigar bar. Not a bar where you can smoke a cigar but instead the bar at the reception will be made up entirely of tightly rolled cigar paper. At the end of the night we’ll light the whole thing on fire and hopefully take out a California forest or two. Really make an impact on the county before we leave.
5. Facebook Live. The entire ceremony will be broadcast on Facebook Live and we’ll hire a professional Internet cam girl to host, answer questions via Facebook comments and remove her clothes for tip money. She gets to keep 10%.
6. The Nappy Roots. Whatever their appearance fee is, I’ll double it. I just want to hear “Good Day” and “Aww Naww” on my wedding day so I can die a happy man. If they’re unavailable please feel free to swap in the Big Tymers here as well with “This How We Do” and “Still Fly.”
7. A roast battle. The wedding parties will all gather around the bride and groom onstage and they each get two minutes to roast the other. Various bridesmaids, groomsmen and mothers-in-law can tag in. Bonus points if we can get a little person wearing a jersey in the mix somehow.
8. We have to go viral. Whether it’s a choreographed dance or one of our close family members dying the week before and a song being dedicated to them, I’m investing in hella HD cameras to capture every moment. Even if she has to break up with me at the altar and squirrel suit off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean, she knows that above all content is the name of the game.
9. Make your own lasagna for the main course. Before the ceremony starts you have to press your own noodles, cook the sauce from scratch and add multiple layers of cheese and meat. It’ll be ready in 12 hours.
10. Go-karts. Instead of a bouquet toss the single women have to race 30 laps for the flowers. (By the way, don’t act like you wouldn’t remember a wedding forever if you got to go fucking go karting in a tuxedo.)
11. Everybody gets laid! Every single person. Even the priest.
12. A murder. We’ll invite a fancy aristocrat to the reception, and at a preplanned time we’ll cut the power. The Capital W Wife will scream and when the lights come back on the aristocrat will be lying dead on the dance floor. Then it’s up to the wedding guests to deduce who committed the murder before the town constable shows up at midnight.
(Here’s a hint: it was me).
This week on Don’t Take It From Us, actor/comedian Jon Huck (NBC/CBS/MTV/Showtime/Live at Gotham/ Comedy Central) gives me some wedding planning advice while Jenna’s on vacation. We grade two Bumble profiles (one who has some non-negotiables of her own), talk about our shared love/superstition of the Chicago Cubs and help a long-time listener with some confidence issues. Next week we’re back to our regularly scheduled programming! Please don’t forget to leave a 5 Star Review on iTunes. The funniest iTunes 5-Star reviews get read on the pod and the winner gets to be a guest on a future episode! Enjoy!
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