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There are two paths you can take in order to date a famous woman. You can either become a famous man, or you can be a fun, normal guy, and willingly accept that any photo of you will run in tabloids with some version of the caption, “Can you believe she’s dating THIS schlub?” I don’t have the intangibles it takes to be a leading man, much less the impossibly perfect jaw for it. Plus, I’ve been writing genital jokes for online publications long enough not to ever give a shit about what snarky things some random, anonymous person has to say about my personality. I think I’ve finally cracked the code in the fame matrix and figured out exactly what it will take for me to become the second-fiddle romantic interest to a famous leading lady, and I just wanted to share it with all of you before I do it. I’m Babe fucking Ruth calling my shot, and I want the Internet to know it.
1. Get Introduced By Friends
I’m not going to walk up to Scarlett Johansson and be like, “Hey, you know who’s cooler and sexier than the last guy you dated? You know, Ryan Reynolds? This fucking dude,” and then point to myself with both thumbs like some kind of socially inept primate. The key to having anyone who is the constant center of attention is to come at him or her in a way that’s different than how everyone else does it. Instead of stalking out her movements and putting myself in a position to “bump into her,” I’ll just socially engineer my way into getting an introduction. It’s equally creepy and conniving, but only if you know what I’m doing. Fun fact about me: I’m fantastic at making people love me on the spot, and I’m terrible at making women fall IN love with me on the spot. All I have to do is be my normal, gregarious self with the tertiary friends of female celebrities, and pow! I’m already on deck, knocking the metaphorical dirt off my romance cleats.
2. Be “Above The Whole Thing”
Ever noticed that the famous women who date schlubs tend to go for guys who aren’t also actors or musicians? Jonah Hill probably does pretty well for himself, but his dating history isn’t littered with the names of A-list starlets. When a celeb goes digging in the nontraditional good looks swamp, she goes for a guy who’s either a lawyer, an executive, or a writer (ding, ding, ding). I’m the perfect candidate. I work in the same creative space she does, so I understand her world, but there’s not a one-to-one comparison of our careers. She’ll never have to worry about me blowing up and getting a huge blockbuster movie role while she gets stuck doing rom-coms. Plus, I can hide behind the mystique that is “the writer.” We’re moody, funny, heavy-drinking geniuses who take ideas out of nothingness and put them onto paper–or so we want everyone to think.
3. Drop Some Weight
Don’t worry guys, I’m not losing the paunch. I enjoy having it, and I like cheese too much to ever totally get rid of it. But I think I do need to slim it down a bit if we’re going to make this realistic. I’m currently at Philip Seymour Hoffman status (RIP) and I need to be closer to a John C. Reilly or Old Man Costner. Talkin’ about the dad bod here, people. Short shorts, billowy shirts, and loafers–can’t go wrong. The reason this works is because it’s a divergence from what she’s used to. There are thousands of guys in this town with Gucci model looks, and dozens more arriving every day. Even if I was able to work my torso into the form of a Renaissance sculpture crafted by a master artist of indistinguishable sexuality, I’d have to maintain it every single day in order to ward off the masses of Spartan-like bodies throwing themselves at my famous lady friend. But if I set the bar at “dad status” from the get-go, I’m letting her know, “this is my body and my sense of style right now, and it’s not gonna change for as long as we’re together.”
(This is also my plan for seducing all women, by the way.)
4. Not Let My Ego Get In The Way
Ego is what splits up millions of couples in regular life, but it’s an even bigger factor in celebrity relationships. Some guys (read: most guys) are simply unequipped to exist in a relationship where the woman they’re with is more famous, recognized, and talented than they are. Guess who doesn’t have that problem? That’s right, the guy who writes daily columns making fun of himself. I don’t care at all if my girlfriend is more successful than I am. Hell, I think it actually reflects better on me. If I have the mental fortitude to accept that my partner is going to be the big cheese in the eyes of the public, now and forever, everyone has to assume that I’m the most secure, easygoing guy on the planet. And they’d be right.
5. Be Charming As Fuck
This is the glue that holds the rest of the plan together. Everyone surrounding celebrities is trying to charm his or her way into their lives. Whether these people want to be in their movie, sleep with them, or be a barnacle sucking as much fame and money off of them as possible, celebrities are constantly surrounded by sharks (marine life metaphors, man). I’ll take the same general concept and reverse it. I’m not going to charm them because I want something from them. I’m going to charm them because I think they deserve it. The fake charisma that they’re constantly surrounded by is a pale imitation of human interaction. So I’ll be my witty, funny, and self-deprecating self, with no agenda whatsoever. You know, other than the “I want to date you” agenda. But that’s more noble, I think. Maybe.
You might roll your eyes at this plan, but mark my words, you’ll be sitting on the couch with your friends watching a red carpet event in a few years and you’ll see me on the screen, with [movie star] on my arm. Your only response will be, “Well shit, I guess he did warn us he was gonna do this.” And I’ll look directly into the camera and say, “You’re fucking right I did.”
Respond
Step 1: get her drunk
Step 2: unprotected sex
Step 3: ???
Step 4: profit
6) Have a bottle of ether or chloroform as a backup.
6.) Lose the mohawk, dipshit.