My Inner Thoughts Leading Up To A Drug Test

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Taking a drug test for employment can be nerve-racking if you’re a consistent doper. If you’re not, it’s just annoying. I don’t use drugs because I’m not a kid anymore, and I have no idea where I would get my hands on some, either. It’s also “frowned upon” to ask coworkers if they’re holding.

Receiving The Job Offer

I got the job? Of course I did. I’m obviously way overqualified with my liberal arts degree and customer service experience. What the hell is an I-9 form? Screw it, I’ll wing it like I did with the interview. Oh, you want me to do a drug screen? Shit, when was the last time I smoked, New Years? I only had, like, two hits, so I should be golden. Wait, have I had any poppyseed bagels lately? I heard about this guy who lost out on a CEO position because he ate a cobb salad with poppyseed dressing.

Morning Of The Test

Should I hold my pee until the test? Screw that, I’m not trying to overflow the cup and piss all over my hand. Better chug some water before I leave, just in case. I don’t want to sit in the waiting room chugging out of Dixie cups listening to bratty kids annoy their moms.

Arriving At The Doctor’s Office

There better not be a long wait since I’m getting here seven minutes after the doors open. There are lots of cars in this parking lot–that’s not a good sign. I don’t think that Subway and hair salon are open at 8 a.m. This could be a while.

Signing In At The Front Desk

Jackpot, the receptionist is a hottie. Maybe the wait won’t be so bad. Can she hold the cup for me? Wait, is that weird? Scratch that idea; seeing my penis in a medical fashion can’t be good foreplay. You want me to fill out some forms? Anything for you sweetheart.

Filling Out The Forms

There are a lot of questions on here for a piss test. This pen is legit with the grip pad for your fingers. What’s Medroxyprogesterone? Fuck it, I’m stealing this pen.

Getting Instructions From The Nurse

You want me to wash my hands before I piss? I don’t wipe before I poop, lady. What’s the deal? Okay, I need the pee to go above the line on the cup, got it. Of course I’m going to bring the cup right back to you. What do you think I’m going to do, drink it?

Peeing In The Cup

I’m definitely going pants around the ankles for this. Full Pooh Bear. I don’t want to anything to splash back on me. Don’t miss, don’t miss, don’t miss. Release the fury! That’s a pretty weak stream for how much I felt like I had to go. Does that mean I have Low T?

The Aftermath

I don’t care about the procedural details, lady. When do the results come back? I get copies of the forms? I’ll be sure to frame them so I can look back on them when I’m CEO of the company one day. Do I get to talk to the hot receptionist on the way out for anything? No? Whatever, I already got that sweet pen.

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