This past Sunday, I watched the second episode I have ever seen of any of The Bachelor franchises, The Bachelor in Paradise. Now obviously I have heard of phenomenon that started back in 2002, and followed the recaps on this site even though I was so confused, but even after watching a whole three hours (yeah, those episodes are LONG) I’m still not totally sure how it works. When describing it to one of my guy friends last night I summed it up with:
“They’re trying to find love. They get drunk a lot, make out a lot, and then they cry a lot.”
Most of the contestants and participants walk away with endorsement deals and the ever lucrative “appearance” fee. You mean to tell me that if I act like nut job for six to eight weeks on TV (Let’s be real, I know I’m not going to win.) I can start charging clubs to let me have bottle service and take selfies with strangers? And obviously it totally doesn’t hurt that I googled the next Bachelor and he’s adorable. Hey Ben, let’s cause some controversy OUTSIDE of the fantasy suite. You in?
Sign. Me. Up.
New dream job: I, Kendra Syrdal, being of semi-sound and sober mind, would like to be a contestant on The Bachelor.
The following is the actual application to participate on The Bachelor with my obviously actual and very serious answers.
Name: Kendra Syrdal
Do you have a nickname and where does it come from?: Not a nickname per se, but bartenders often yell, “Hey you! Stop reaching over the rail!” at me. Does that count?
Email: email@example.com – plz send fan mail
Height: 5’1″. Obviously the perfect match up height for Ben’s 6’4″. Not going to look comedically ridiculous at all.
Birth Date: September 22nd. Do we match astrologically? Does anyone care?
Age: 25 and still alive.
Hair Color: Currently blonde-ish and currently dirty.
Eye Color: Blue.
Weight: Go fuck yourself.
Do you have a valid U.S. passport?: Yeah and the picture is from when I was about 17 and moody AF. I think I’m wearing a Fall Out Boy band t-shirt. Because I was a ~*ReBeL*~.
How did you hear about our search?: I have Google and am not an idiot.
Have you ever applied for the show before? If so, when?: Negative, Ghost Rider. And I probably never will again.
Occupation: I write about men on the internet. Hey, Ben!
Annual salary: Enough to live alone and afford a super dope apartment, Postmates burritos three times a week, and still buy wine.
What is your highest level of education?: I have two Bachelors degrees that get zero point zero use aside from people asking me at family functions when I’m going to do something with that expensive college education. Not awkward at all!
Degree(s): Theatre and Music. (Yeah I tried hiding it by omission for a while, come at me.)
School(s) Attended: Be safe, Go Griz.
Where were you born?: In a hospital that is now a psych ward.
Where did you grow up?: Far away from the hospital that is now a psych ward.
Do you have siblings? How old are they?: I am an only child. You don’t need to try again when you get it right the first time. *wink*
Have you ever been arrested, charged or convicted of a crime of any type?: I was almost arrested earlier this year for an altercation with a cab driver. Don’t fuck with a girl and her phone. Shit gets brutal quick.
If so, please give details and dates: No handcuffs or fingerprints were used in the telling or completion of this story.
Have you ever had a temporary restraining order issued against someone or had one issued against you?: *sips coffee slowly and turns up “Fight Song”* “Next question?”
Have you ever auditioned for or been a performer, participant or contestant on a reality or other TV or radio show or in a film?: I was in a pretty high brow commercial for a local electronics store back in my home town. I sat on a revolving table and pretended to type on an old Dell computer.
If yes, please explain and give dates: I was about 17 and moody AF. They wouldn’t let me wear my Fall Out Boy tee in the commercial.
Do you drink alcoholic beverages?: Don’t ask questions you already know the answer to, come on.
What’s your favorite drink?: Depends on the situation.
*Brunch – A greyhound or a beermosa
*Day drinking – Lighter beers or spritzers
*Happy Hour – I check the special but IPAs or G&Ts
*Dinner – Red Wine or IPAs
*Partying or if I can’t decide – Gin and Tonic
Have you ever been married or engaged?: No because I said no. *insert the awkward emoji here*
Do you have any children?: Does my dog count? Oh why would I ask that of course she does.
If yes, please list their names and ages and whether they live with you or not: Her name is Nukes, she also goes by ‘Your Majesty’, ‘Monster’, and ‘Nuclear Bomb’. She is 5 years old and I have raised her since infancy. And where else would she live? In her own loft downtown?
Are you genuinely looking to get married & why?: I’m looking for someone who will also walk the dog, help me reach things off the top shelf, not tell me to be quiet during movies, and maybe buy me a hover board for my birthday. I’m a simple girl.
Why would you want to find your spouse on our TV show?: So my aunts will watch and stop talking about how I’m going to die alone behind my back.
Please describe your ideal mate in terms of physical attraction and in terms of personality attraction: Miles Teller. Can he be The Bachelor? Ben can take a knee for me and Miles. DON’T STAND IN THE WAY OF TRUE LOVE, BEN.
How many serious relationships have you been in and how long were they?: It’s too early to get this deep and besides, this isn’t my Thought Catalog page. No one wants to hear about about those.
What happened to end those relationships?: See above.
What are your hobbies and interests?: Getting berated on the internet, weird art from thrift stores, and eating challenges.
Do you have any pets?: No I have a child, we already covered this.
Do you have any special talents? Tell us!: Not to brag, but I can rap the whole Snoop Dog part from that “Buttons” song that came out in 2005.
Do you speak any languages besides English?: Sarcasm and complicated drink recipes.
List 3 adjectives that would surprise people about you: Macabre, Aloof, (Really)Short.
Do you have any tattoos? If yes, what are they? And where are they located on your body?: I have eight, soon to be nine. And wouldn’t you like to know.
What accomplishment are you most proud of?: Before I went veggie I completed the Buffalo Wild Wings Blazin’ Wings challenge. The t-shirt still has wing sauce on it because why would you try to rid something of such honor.
What have you not found but would like to have in a relationship?: Someone who talks in their sleep coherently that I can have conversations with and record, because that’s hilarious. And a guy who doesn’t do the lean on my head like I’m a shelf bit. It’s just annoying and squishes my bun. Stop it. .
Image via YouTube