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The internet giveth, the internet taketh away.
There are three ways checking your Twitter notifications can go. The first is the most depressing: nothingness. The second is an overflow of notifications that makes you wonder, “Okay, which of my tweets is overperforming?” When your noties are popping off, life is good. Unfortunately, when they’re full for the wrong reasons, well, that’s when you know you either 1) got tweeted by Mia Khalifa, or 2) you got absolutely bodied by someone.
Unfortunately for me, it was the latter.
It all started with an Instagram photograph of one John Duda from Sunday. A simple post of a fit that he did indeed “get off.” The pairing of shorts with a sleeveless Northern Michigan University sweatshirt couldn’t go unposted, so I posted this:
At the time of the bodying, it was one of my most-liked photos that I’ve ever posted. Good for him, but not for me as I can’t have another man being the star of my own feed. I realized this while in the produce section at Central Market, a toned down Whole Foods-y place where people dress like they just got done doing yoga despite the fact that they definitely didn’t do yoga. I immediately thought to myself:
This was a valid question because asking someone to take a fit pic of you in the middle of a grocery store is quite possibly one of the most insufferable things a millennial could do. But what can I say? The kale was lush and the mangos appeared to be ripe. It was a scene.
It wasn’t until a full day later that the response hit my notifications like a ton of avocados. My girlfriend, Sally, took to Twitter and hit me with the body blow that would ignite our followers for the rest of the night and into the morning.
Deceased. Pour one out. Lifeless. Dead on arrival.
What happened afterward was exactly what you’d expect. She half-heartedly asked if I wanted her to delete it, but as you know, the internet never forgets.
I got the whole barrage of reaction memes – the face wipe guy, the forty pour, the flamethrower, Meryl Streep, The Lakers Bro, and even D-Wade getting wheeled off in a wheelchair. They were all justified because this tweet was, in fact, ruthless.
To put it simply, I had no comeback. So I did what I needed to do: sit out a couple plays.
Will I recover? Hopefully. Is the entire internet wondering what my next move is? Probably not, but at least the 400 people who favorited her tweet are. .
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
defriewf
will@grandex.co
And that’s why Sally is my Power Player of the Week
I got a good laugh out of this comment. Nicely done.
“The couple decided to get engaged after Ms. Sally put him on blast via Twitter.” -The New York Times, probably.
Why is every article today about weddings and getting married, I get it I’m 26 and single
I’m 30 and single which is 60 in Midwest small town dating years.
Suuuuuuupppp
27 and single here man… please someone love me.
I’m 25 and turning 26 in 4 days and ready to mingle. But no lovely ladies want to mingle with The Drunk Uncle. Holla ladies.
There’s no explanation, GoodbyeNormalStreet. No more wedding stuff today, promise.
Is this a hint of what’s to come in TGDAG?
Started getting the ‘you’re not getting any younger’ hints from the family. Holidays will be bourbon filled this year.
Felt the exact same way. Normally, I’m totally cool with letting the proposal happen when it happens. But all the PGP articles today combined with Sally’s ABSOLUTE SAVAGERY has me feeling like Girl.
Turnpike username… Sup?
Will, don’t give into this barbarism. Why get the Church and the government involved in your sex life anyway? Stay the course. Keep it steady. “Ride the wave” it says that on your shirts for fuck’s sake. Stand strong. Be stoic….and all and any of those other stupid cliche sayings that people say and stuff
There is no gif better than the deal with it Lakers bro. That being said have a nice sleep will you got chinned on this one.
I like that gif even more in reverse.
I truly did not know the one in reverse wasn’t the original one until recently, ha.
This is the 4th PGP article of the day that has something to do with weddings. You’re getting it from all sides.
Will deFries can’t come to Touch Bass right now, why? Because he’s dead.
Now that you’re dead, will Bill be taking over your spot on the TB pod? Also, who will be writing your memoir?
Your gfs level of savage on this one, is one I always aspire to function at. Well done to her.
Seriously. Will, get that girl a ring already. Sally is clearly wife material.
This kills my theory that will has been secretly engaged for months