My First (And Last) Threesome

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I have come to all of you today to give you the story behind my first three-some (dap). Before you go calling me names or judging, let me add the fact that it was a Devil’s Threesome with a buddy/roommate of mine from school. We’ll call him Mike. The woman, who we will call Trish, and will get into her in a bit.

This took place a couple of years ago when I was 21. You’re probably asking yourself why I am breaking this story out right now. To be honest, I was in the writing mood. In my opinion (read:fact), the story is also quite absurd, and putting it in a public forum for judgement is a form of closure for me.

My roommates and I were in our apartment mid-second semester pregaming before going out to the local bars around campus. Naturally, we were all a little tipsy, taking shots, watching TV and patrolling the options on Tinder. Well, it was that fateful night that my roommate and good friend, Mike, had matched with Trish.

She happened to be a 32-year-old graduate student of the University that we were attending. Petite, blonde, and quite cute. A soft-7 if you’re into that whole disgusting, objectifying rating system garb. It is important to note that Mike had just gotten out of a two-year relationship, so he was ready to pursue any prospect. Well, Mike shot her a message and she immediately responded.

A couple of more shots and the conversation between the two started flowing. They exchanged Snapchats and their numbers and began texting. Right before we headed to the bar, Trish messaged Mike something along the lines of, “Have you ever been with two girls at once?” He turned to me and asked what he should say. I don’t know why I told him to say this, but I told him to ask if she had ever been with two guys at once. So, he did it. She didn’t respond for the rest of the night.

We did the normal college routine that night- drank, had fun, and coincidentally Mike and myself ended up getting lucky. Well, fast forward to the next day at our place where Mike and I are sitting on our couch playing 2K. He gets a text from Trish… “Ew, no way. I would never do that in a million years :/” Well, he asked if he should just deem the prospect dead in the water and I advised him it was the right choice. But he didn’t listen to me. Instead he took a snapchat of him and I and sent it to a few friends and, you guessed it, Trish.

About 20 minutes later he gets a response, “Your friend’s cute, you guys should come play some time”. Wait, what? Maybe this isn’t dead… Well, it wasn’t, and he immediately asked her what she meant by that. It was a rhetorical question, but you have to play dumb sometimes. She had completely flipped tones, talking about how she’s never done it and wants to do it “so badly.” Me and Mike started entertaining the idea and finally decided we were going to go through with it.

He added me to the conversation and we began discussing timing. Within an hour of some dirty talk and text flirting we agreed to meet at a hotel bar near her apartment that night. She had one stipulation- neither of us could be drunk. YA OKAY. It was one of our friend’s 21st birthday that day, and he was having a party at his house starting at 1 p.m.

I was going, and I was going to be absolutely bombed regardless of anyone’s requests. Unfortunately for Mike, he had his mother’s birthday dinner in the city until around 8:30 p.m. The restaurant was right near the hotel bar, so the transition would be seamless. His issue was that he couldn’t get plastered at dinner with his mom, who is a bit of a stickler. Well, as you could assume, I drank like a fish until having to meet up with this woman and my friend and was teetering on black-out.

I arrived outside of the bar and was standing (or my version of standing) on the corner texting the group we had made earlier that day. I turned around and lo and behold, it’s Trish! She did not look happy. “I thought I told you to not be drunk,” she said bluntly, and I put together a half-assed response essentially apologizing. Want to know what she did? She slapped me across the face, clean and hard. I wasn’t even mad. I was slightly turned on and wrote it off as a non-issue.

After about 3 minutes of uncomfortable intros, my friend pulled up and we headed into the bar. She bought us a few rounds, and started to ask us what we wanted to do after graduation, if we had any job/internship prospects, any siblings. The normal BS.

Then it got a bit bizarre. About halfway through the conversation, a man walked into the main entrance of the Hotel bar in which we were located. This man was about 6’6″, 300 pounds and looked as if he could play for the Giants. She turned to us and let us know that the man in front of us was her friend and that if she felt threatened in ANY WAY, he would be at her beckoning call with a key to her apartment to “do what’s necessary.” Um alright, lady, we’re two 20-year-old college kids who just thought this would be funny and something worth telling our friends about. After being introduced to Pete, he stepped away and off into the lobby or some shit, and that was the last we saw of him.

Next, she informed us that she has been in not one, but two unfaithful marriages that ended in divorce… because of her infidelity… What. The. Fuck? We didn’t say anything judgmental because we didn’t want to give her cold feet. We just went along with it. So the conversation went on from there and eventually led to her apartment.

We get into her apartment, which was very nice by the way, and Mike starts kissing her. Me, drunk and stupid, started laughing. She turns around, thrusts her hand into my dick and goes, “Don’t you fucking laugh again.” I didn’t laugh for the rest of what was a weird, awkward threesome. Pretty much what you would expect.

When it was all said and done, she asked if we wanted to stick around and grab some late night food. Me and Mike kindly declined, put on our clothes and headed to a house party near campus. We were greeted by our friends and gave them the rundown as you could expect.

Trish texted us later that night saying she wanted to see us again only this time, individually. Well, Mike went to her place the very next night and I saw her a week later. Absolutely no shame. Do I regret it? No. Will I ever do it again? No, and since that day I have been and always will be exclusively interested in one-on-one intercourse with the girls I bring home.

The threesome itself wasn’t cool, but I wanted to get out in the open how absurd this woman’s back story was. I look back now and still don’t believe it. Basically, I will compare this experience to riding a moped. It’s something you will do, but only once and you it will be way less cool than you expect..

Image via Shutterstock

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Hey, I saw this on Post Grad Problems. Check it out.

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