Panicked, a student scans the library looking for an open seat. 24 hours until test time and completely screwed- it’s a tale as old as time. Years ago, this poor soul would have had to cram as much as possible, downing cup after cup of coffee, in a desperate attempt to salvage their grade on the exam. Nowadays, however, things look a little different. That same student enters the library — cool, calm, collected, and unprepared for his final looming the next day. He doesn’t panic, he doesn’t worry, and he’s not a nervous wreck. Instead, as he sets up his desk in the library, he ventures into his backpack to find a perfect, round, orange pill.
This column is dedicated to my muse, my humble servant, and my favorite amphetamine: Adderall. Sure, I was never actually “prescribed” you, but oh do we have our history. Throughout college you were there for me when no one else was. When all seemed lost, you had a knack for appearing and saving the day. Without you I would probably still be toiling away in undergrad trying to pass Human Biology. You gave me the willpower to memorize entire courses in a single weekend. You gave me the ability to rally after the pre-game got out of hand. You’ve been there for me for as long as I can remember, but alas, it’s time to say goodbye.
Now that I’ve entered the working world and put college behind me, it appears that society dictates I put you in my past as well. We’ve had our fun together, but it’s time to focus on my career and a working man can only have so many vices. Between functioning alcoholism, drunk cigarettes, and a penchant for idiotic decisions, there’s just no room left for you. Sure, it’ll be strange at first, but I’m sure I’ll get used to it. Coffee will have to once again become my focusing drug of choice, and when the drinking gets the better of me, I’ll just call it a night. All things considered, my body probably won’t miss you, but my mind certainly will.
Do not fret, dear Adderall; your accomplishments will not be forgotten. You got me through crunch time during exams week in undergrad, and kept me alive long enough to close on more than one occasion. For that, I am eternally grateful. Unfortunately, I just don’t feel comfortable with you as a part of my life anymore. I’m growing up, and with that comes putting you and your seemingly magical properties in the rear-view mirror.
Will I be tempted to go back to you? Of course. How could I not be? However, I must remain vigilant. What’s done is done and the past is the past. I’m sure you’ll understand. As quickly as you came into my life, it appears you shall leave it. Oh Adderall, we’ve had such great memories together and I’ll cherish those forever. This weekend I’m sure you’ll be on my mind as the clock nears midnight. I’m sure I’ll consider you as the effects of drinking all day begin to take hold… I mean, I can totally still day-drink and hit the bars at night like I used to back in college without you, right? It’s Independence Day weekend, but I’m sure my body can handle the marathon length binges without a little orange booster…
Fuck, who am I kidding? See you Saturday, Adderall..
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