My Evaluation Of Men’s Health’s Five Tips For First Dates

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I read Men’s Health online for lifestyle tips, and to this point, they’ve never let me down. Eating tips? Check. Awesome workout recommendations? You betcha. Fashion suggestions? Always on point (thanks, Christine). Advice about anal? Eh, I usually stick to TFM for that, but I do appreciate the Men’s Health hustle. However, I recently saw their “Five Best First Date Tips” that they seem to have proven with science, and honestly, they couldn’t be more mind bottling. Let me break it down.

Tip 1: Find her on the internet.
Couples who meet online are 78 percent more likely to make it to date two than people who come together through mutual friends, the study finds.

I don’t have what you might call “experience” here because in this day and age, I thought you only met people through a screen. Like do humans actually meet in real life and decide that they should spend more time together, alone?

But see, the thing is, the study compares it to people who come together through mutual friends. Right away that discredits everything. If you’re meeting through mutual friends, you’re guaranteed a second date. The last thing you want to do is tell your mutual friend(s) that their set-up game is more Pluto Nash than Steve Nash. And I can’t imagine the sample size was very big, right? Everybody seems reticent about setting up mutual friends for the sole reason that they’re afraid of it crashing and burning (at least that’s what I tell myself when I ask my friends to set me up and I get the read receipt sans reply…seriously, I couldn’t be worse than Costanza, could I?).

Tip 2: Stick to dinner.
Taking her to a restaurant may seem unimaginative, but it doubles your odds of seeing her again compared to a more creative outing like a hike or a museum.

First of all, do people actually go to museums or hike for a first date? These seem like activities for already-established couples, not two crazy kids looking to make mistakes, maybe get hopped up enough to play a little game called just the tip, just for a second, just to see how it feels (or ouch, ouch, you’re on my hair).

But, I’m out on dinner as a first date, too. You’re better off getting drinks for a first date because if it’s tanking, it is exceedingly more difficult to wrap things up – or come up with a solid exit strategy – at dinner, rather than at a bar. At dinner you’re sitting there trying to read the menu in a dimly lit room, whipping out your phone to throw on the flashlight app like you’re eighty years old. You’re talking, you’re eating, you’ve got food on your face, you’ve got food in your teeth. Am I eating too fast, am I eating too slow? Getting drinks is just a more relaxed vibe, and everything is just exponentially better when getting roasty toasty anyway. For date number one, stick to drinks, cowboy.

Tip 3: Better yet, make it a sushi place.
People who go to sushi restaurants are 170 percent more likely to get second dates than people who have American cuisine, the study finds.

Men’s Health needs to stop stealing my brain because they know my go-to move for date number two is always sushi. Every. Single. Time. Why? Because it’s interactive. You’re sharing rolls, you’re using chop sticks, you’re making fun of the weird thing you ordered and aren’t really sure if it’ll kill you or not. It’s fool-proof.

But 170% more likely to get a second date?! You’re saying if I took the same girl to sushi I’m almost twice as likely to see her again than if I took her to Joe’s American Bar and Grill? The only way this is possible is the money thing, right? Did the study take into account the fact that the sushi bill is probably three times as expensive? That’s the only explanation. You look like the cock of the walk when you max the plastic on unagi, rather than taking her some place where they give you rolls before the waiter takes your drink order. Otherwise, there’s got to be something in the seaweed that makes guys more attractive. Whatever the reason, looks like I’m never taking a girl anywhere besides sushi.

Tip 4: Talk about Trump.
You’d think that debating politics with someone you barely know would make for a disaster, but it actually boosts your chances for a second date by 91 percent. It doesn’t even matter what your opinion is—as long as you have one and can express it respectfully, says Fisher.

Nope. No politics, no religion, not even any Deflategate talk. Nothing screams miserable date more than debating politics. The only thing I need to know is if you’re Team America or not. Otherwise, I don’t care who the hell you’re voting for. The only caveat here is if you somehow slip in a viewpoint that I one hundred percent agree with, and then I’ll probably make a snarky joke about how anyone else with a different opinion than us is a certified Twitter egg dipshit.

Tip 5: Don’t linger too long.
Your odds for a second date start to dwindle if the outing lasts for more than 2 hours and 15 minutes, according to the Match data. It could be that talking to anyone for that long gets tedious, says Fisher.

Two hours?! My odds for a second date dwindle after twenty minutes. Obviously I’m joking, but I’m not going to end a date that’s going well just because we’re nearing the two hour fifteen minute mark. Girly asks to go back to my place (I can dream, can’t I?) and I’m like, “Nah, we’re at 2:10 and I’m not sure I can wrap this up in five minutes.” (Who am I kidding, I’d only need two).

So, this is what Men’s Health thinks you should do to secure date number two. Me? My strategy is go to get a drink, try and be funny, and try not to get too drunk to the point where everyone else in the bar is looking at us because I’m making a scene. What’s your go-to first date move? .

[via Men’s Health]

Image via Shutterstock

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Boston Max

Spending my retirement fund at Trader Joe's and trying to remember to check my mailbox semi-regularly

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