My Days Of Mixing Multiple Kinds Of Alcohol Are Long Gone

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“We’re all told at some point in time that we can no longer play the children’s game, we just don’t… don’t know when that’s gonna be. Some of us are told at eighteen, some of us are told at forty, but we’re all told.”

I was told at 8:42 a.m. CST on October 5, 2018. My time has come. To be clear here, I was told I wasn’t going to be an athlete waaaay before this morning. I’m 5’8 and about 150 pounds dripping wet. Outside of playing golf and baseball through high school, being a professional athlete was just never in the DNA. No, I was told this morning that I can no longer handle multiple types of alcohol when I go out. I am officially a one beverage drinker. Gone are the days of pre-gaming at the apartment before drinking wine at dinner and vodka soda at the bar. Gone are the nights of starting with a classy martini at a rooftop before switching to miller lite at the 2 a.m. basement dive bar. My body can no longer do it. I knew this day was coming, I just didn’t expect it this soon.

It’s always been a point of pride for me that I don’t throw up from drinking. Some people I know have to throw up. They know it’s coming no matter what and they swear that they are fine with it because they feel better afterwards. Others see it as a necessary evil, something that might happen on a night of too many. Not me. I loathe everything about throwing up. I don’t feel better afterwards and I never try to induce the process at the end of the night to avoid a bad morning. In my life I have only vomited seven times due to alcohol. Once was freshman year of college after my very first party – understandable. Two more were still in college, both coming after big football wins. The fourth time was in law school (shout out to law prom). All four were my punishment for consuming more alcohol than I probably should have. The remaining three instances all have come within the last two weeks. On all of these nights the drink count was 5 or less, so overindulgence was not the problem. At first I just assumed it was a bad meal. After the second time, I told myself that scotch and pinot noir probably just aren’t a good mix. As I knelt by my toilet this morning, I had to face the harsh reality. Whether it’s three drinks or thirteen, if I mix my alcohol I am going to hurl.

To be honest, I look forward to this new chapter in life. They say when you retire the first thing you notice is you don’t wake up in pain anymore. I hope that’s true. The other thing they say you have to deal with in retirement is the boredom. I’m sure there will be nights I’ll think to myself I can still play the game I love, but I’ll know the next morning that retirement was the right call. Besides, being boring can be a good thing. The simplicity of picking a drink and sticking to it will make it much easier when I do go out, and enjoying a good wine or a nice bourbon will feel infinitely better than switching between well drinks and IPAs at the bar. All in all, I know that what’s best for my future.

So yes, I am hanging and with that I am officially hanging it up. This is my goodbye to the multi-alcohol nights. But don’t worry too much. I’ll still keep in touch with the players. I love this game too just walk away. Who knows? Maybe I can use my experience to get a sweet commentary or sideline reporting gig..

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Andrew Hatch

I went into entirely too much debt for a law degree I don't use. Chicago, IL. Email me at ahatch0522@gmail.com

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