My Cover Letter To Be Jim Harbaugh’s Personal Assistant

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June 19, 2015

To: Jim Harbaugh — Michigan Head Football Coach

Michigan Stadium
1201 South Main Street
Ann Arbor, MI 48104

Dear Sir,

In Kid Rock’s immortal song “You’ve Never Met A Motherfucker Quite Like Me,” one lyric rings true when I describe myself: “I’m a Michigan boy, can you feel that?” While, no, I did not attend the University of Michigan, I was raised on Michigan football. From Desmond Howard, to Tim Biakabutuka, to Charles Woodson, to Tom Brady, legends of Wolverine past are not lost on me. My involvement with the Michigan football coaching staff began in 4th grade when I sent my Flat Stanley to Lloyd Carr. After he took Stanley to Ohio State (and Skyline Chili — which is awful, by the way) to beat the Buckeyes, it was returned and framed in my bedroom for the better part of the next decade.

When I was made aware of the job opening to be your personal assistant, I relished the idea of working shoulder-to-shoulder with you in the trenches. You and I? We’re cut from the same cloth. Our similarities are endless.

Oh, you attack every day with an enthusiasm unknown to mankind? Me too (except on Sundays).

Your love for whole milk, and not “that candy ass two-percent or skim milk?” That resonates with me. Hell, my foot got run over by a car once and didn’t break a single bone. The doctor was so astonished that he did two x-rays on it because he couldn’t believe what was seeing. Photos available upon request.

Growing up, you used to play baseball alone in a parking lot? Me too. With only a lefty glove so I had to become ambidextrous. I also played tennis against my garage which allowed me to develop a hell of a backhand.

You exclusively wear the same style of khakis from Wal Mart? I haven’t worn jeans since middle school, and I own ten of the exact same pairs of boxer-briefs because consistency, to me, is just another word for habitual excellence.

You and I, Mr. Harbaugh? We’ve been on the front lines together for months now, and you haven’t even realized it.

As you and I both know, there was a lot of media speculation and hoopla around your hiring. But, from the second Michigan let Brady Hoke go, I knew you were headed to Ann Arbor.

Even after Douchebag Pete and I reported this, the media still nagged and bothered you with questions. And what did we do? We had your back.

Yet still, the media pestered you even when I reported your deal (again) a week before Christmas.

Then Christmas came, and while everyone else was sitting around the fire with their families sipping ‘nog and eating ham, I was busy controlling the media for you. Sure, I had been drinking all day, but that wasn’t affecting my previously discussed “enthusiasm unknown to mankind.”

Throughout your hiring process, I stood by your side and reported nothing but the truth until Adam Schefter (the NFL’s biggest insider) sloppily reported your press conference a full four days after I did.

Sure, I have zero playing experience outside of 4th of July beer-in-hand pick-up games. But the responsibilities and qualifications for this position? Those are just words on a piece of paper at this point. I urge you to take a chance on me, because I’ve already taken a chance on you. So let me ask you this, Mr. Harbaugh: who’s got it better than us? Nobody.

Regards,

Will deFries.

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Will

Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.

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