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Every once in a while, you come across something on the internet that just makes you take a step back and say, “What the hell did I just read?” Some, you send to your friends. But others? You need to give a full, running assessment of the atrocity that’s sitting on a tab that you can’t bring yourself to close. The New York Times ran 27 Ways To Be A Modern Man and it made me spit Honey Nut Cheerios all over my keyboard.
All the original “Ways To Be A Modern Man” can be found below in bold.
1. When the modern man buys shoes for his spouse, he doesn’t have to ask her sister for the size. And he knows which brands run big or small.
I worked for a high-end women’s retailer for longer than I’d like to admit and let me just say that this is bullshit. My advice to men shopping for their wives? Don’t. They’ll hate what you pick out and wish you just gave them your credit card and sent them on their merry way.
2. The modern man never lets other people know when his confidence has sunk. He acts as if everything is going swimmingly until it is.
Uh, the Will deFries methodology here is simple: always have unwavering and unjustified confidence in every situation you encounter. Yeah, I may struggle with being skinny fat but I still act like I’m a hard ten. Because I am.
3. The modern man is considerate. At the movie theater, he won’t munch down a mouthful of popcorn during a quiet moment. He waits for some ruckus.
Popcorn is disgusting. I feel like I need to shower after eating it. I don’t know what’s worse, getting kernels in my teeth or sitting through a 90-minute rom-com covered with my hands covered in salted butter.
4. The modern man doesn’t cut the fatty or charred bits off his fillet. Every bite of steak is a privilege, and it all goes down the hatch.
Uh, nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, guys. If you think I’m eating the gristle, you’re off your fucking rocker. I didn’t even eat bread on weekdays until I moved to Texas where everything is cheese or carb-based.
5. The modern man won’t blow 10 minutes of his life looking for the best parking spot. He finds a reasonable one and puts his car between the lines.
I’m that asshole who holds up the entire parking lot at the grocery store when I see a family walking out the door. Just toss the blinker on and keep listening to “What Do You Mean” in peace. And then I park my car like I’m Dom from Fast Five — diagonal as hell.
6. Before the modern man heads off to bed, he makes sure his spouse’s phone and his kids’ electronic devices are charging for the night.
I’m pretttttttty pretty sure my wife can handle that herself. Furthermore, there’s not a chance in hell my kids are having any electronic devices that’ll just rot their brains. You know what doesn’t need charging? Footballs and dollhouses.
7. The modern man buys only regular colas, like Coke or Dr Pepper. If you walk into his house looking for a Mountain Dew, he’ll show you the door.
Who’s friends with people that drink Mountain Dew? Actually, who’s friends with people that stock their fridge with Coke and Dr. Pepper? LaCroix, ever heard of it?
8. The modern man uses the proper names for things. For example, he’ll say “helicopter,” not “chopper” like some gauche simpleton.
Yeah, and this dude probably says “private jet” instead of “peej” which just makes him sound like a total poor.
9. Having a daughter makes the modern man more of a complete person. He learns new stuff every day.
Because we all have a choice of what sex our baby is. Having a kid isn’t like going to a deli and ordering a make-your-own sandwich.
10. The modern man makes sure the dishes on the rack have dried completely before putting them away.
The modern man makes his kids do it because the sole purpose of having kids is to breed sports stars and delegate your chores.
11. The modern man has never “pinned” a tweet, and he never will.
Well, the modern man doesn’t know what it feels like to have a tweet favorited 150+ times, does he?
12. The modern man checks the status of his Irish Spring bar before jumping in for a wash. Too small, it gets swapped out.
Say what you want about me living the loofah life, but you couldn’t pay me to use bar soap to wash my body. I’m not Jack Nicholson from As Good As It Gets, you psycho.
13. The modern man listens to Wu-Tang at least once a week.
Okay, this can’t be real.
14. The modern man still jots down his grocery list on a piece of scratch paper. The market is no place for his face to be buried in the phone.
I can’t remember the last time I used a pencil or paper. Ever heard of going paperless, modern man? I’m trying to preserve our planet for your future daughters, bro. Have some consideration.
15. The modern man has hardwood flooring. His children can detect his mood from the stamp of his Kenneth Cole oxfords.
The amount of maintenance to keep hardwood floors clean is preposterous. But I guess a dude with Kenneth Cole taste can’t be trusted to pick out a solid carpet anyway. Yeah, said it.
16. The modern man lies on the side of the bed closer to the door. If an intruder gets in, he will try to fight him off, so that his wife has a chance to get away.
If an intruder comes into my house, I’ll probably wire him everything in my bank account to ensure he won’t lay a finger on me. I once got beat up because I made fun of a dude’s Burberry scarf. Pretty sure I’m not stopping any intruders any time soon.
17. Does the modern man have a melon baller? What do you think? How else would the cantaloupe, watermelon and honeydew he serves be so uniformly shaped?
Okay, you’re just trolling everyone at this point.
18. The modern man has thought seriously about buying a shoehorn.
He’s thought seriously about buying a piece of metal that costs about $5.00? Wow, good for him. My mental real estate is occupied with legitimate financial concerns like golf trips.
19. The modern man buys fresh flowers more to surprise his wife than to say he is sorry.
Well yeah. Everyone knows that flowers are a one-way ticket to Pound Town.
20. On occasion, the modern man is the little spoon. Some nights, when he is feeling down or vulnerable, he needs an emotional and physical shield.
Weren’t you the same guy who said to never show you’re lacking confidence? What is a matter with you? Alright, that was hasty. Sometimes being the little spoon is awesome.
21. The modern man doesn’t scold his daughter when she sneezes while eating an apple doughnut, even if the pieces fly everywhere.
The fuck is an apple donut? I squirted chili out of my nose when someone cracked a perverted joke after the Longhorns game last week, so I don’t really think I’m one to throw rocks at glass houses here.
22. The modern man still ambles half-naked down his driveway each morning to scoop up a crisp newspaper.
Or he gets it delivered directly to his iPad, because again, this world isn’t made of endless resources, New York Times. This was just a slick way of you guys trying to keep your print version afloat, and I’m seeing right through you.
23. The modern man has all of Michael Mann’s films on Blu-ray (or whatever the highest quality thing is at the time).
Everyone knows I’m more of a You’ve Got Mail kind of guy, so let’s just let bygones be bygones on this one.
24. The modern man doesn’t get hung up on his phone’s battery percentage. If it needs to run flat, so be it.
Sure, I like to go off the grid. But you know who doesn’t like me going off the grid? My fucking girlfriend. I’d rather Gone Girl myself than text her, “Hey, my phone is about to die.”
25. The modern man has no use for a gun. He doesn’t own one, and he never will.
So when the modern man is protecting his wife from intruders, he’s just going straight up hand-to-hand combat? Alright, Bruce Lee. If you’re looking for me, I’ll be the dude bringing a gun to a knife fight.
26. The modern man cries. He cries often.
Again, You’ve Got Mail. Not going to hate on this. I once cried during an episode of Boy Meets World.
27. People aren’t sure if the modern man is a good dancer or not. That is, until the D.J. plays his jam and he goes out there and puts on a clinic.
Case and point: Dan Aykroyd in The Great Outdoors.
Just don’t get caught referring to something as your “jam,” modern man. Simply put, it’s unbecoming. .
Image via Unsplash