My Application To Be The Secretary Of Millennial Affairs In Donald Trump’s Cabinet

My Application To Be The Secretary Of Millennial Affairs In Donald Trump's Cabinet


I understand you must have a lot on your plate right now. Running the free world is a BFD (big fucking deal), and there’s only so much swag my man Brobama can throw at you in a day. Luckily for you, I’m a semi-interested citizen with an opinion and a media outlet – so I’m here to help. Please find below my application for Secretary of Millennial Affairs.

Personal Data

Name: I honestly get anxiety over someone stealing my identity so I’m afraid I can’t answer this question at this time
Location: Chicago, IL
Net Worth: I got too frustrated doing Turbo Tax this year so my parents filled out my W-2s. I’m going to defer this question to them.
Current Employer: Start-up (not a lame one, def going to get bought out. My cousin’s husband works at Google and thinks we have a great idea.)
Are you a U.S. Citizen: Yes.
Are you a veteran of the U.S. Armed Forces: No.

Optional Information

Race: I don’t see color.
Gender: Female
Date of Birth: 10/4/1991
Geographic Affiliation: I identify with where I am going, not where I am.
Political Party: Michelle Obama.
Religious Affiliation: Jewish, which means Steve Bannon is obvs invited to my Passover Seder so teach him the proper pronunciation of “CH.”

Please describe why you hope to be a part of the President Elect’s administration.

As a social media guru (see Twitter bio), I would like to help the President-Elect understand how to use his Twitter effectively. His overuse of exclamation points makes us think of him as America’s sad Grandpa who just sent his first email, which is totally contrary to his mood board. The way I would solve this is by conducting a two and a half day design thinking session to do a deep dive on social media eminence. Once I figure out what exactly all this means, I will circle back with a proper agenda. [*Thumbs Up Emoji*]

In addition, I would also propose a federal budget for Wanderlust research. This is an epidemic that is plaguing my generation, luring Millennials into a life ex-patriotism with fancy job titles like “freelance curator” and “digital nomad.” We must allow and enable Millennials to “find themselves” in different ways, so they can keep contributing to our economy. (← you like that).

Lastly, I would propose the creation of “Entitlement Day” on every January 20th moving forward. This day would be day where all Americans can whip out their participation trophies, medals and ribbons (or lack thereof) and complain about the “reason” they did not win. Instead of one person, group, or movement being “literally THE WORST” we will all literally be THE WORST. This day would unite the country together in a sentiment of national offense toward everyone, every place, and everything. The day would end with a live, televised broadcast of the President-Elect leading us in a national sing/sway of “Closer” by the Chainsmokers where we will all be united in our collective love for the catchy tune.

Prez, I do hope you take my application seriously. I got a 33 on the ACTs.

A Truly Scared Millennial

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