I’m fortunate enough to live in a location that is conveniently situated at a reasonable distance to many desirable things. There’s a Whataburger and HEB within two miles of my house. It’s a reasonable drive for me to a couple upscale shopping areas, a Minor League Baseball game, or to the AT&T Center, home of the five-time NBA Champion San Antonio Spurs.
Where my latitude-longitude really benefits the child inside me, however, is being a short drive from Six Flags Fiesta Texas and a decently close to the holy grail of water parks, Schlitterbahn. I’m a big water park guy, so this was a big factor in me not revolting against my parents when they moved me to this area of Texas when I was eleven.
While I’m fully aware that water parks are cesspools filled with obesity and children’s urine, I’m still a huge fan of them. Nothing beats a day floating on the lazy river or hauling a rubber tube up twenty flights of stairs in anticipation of hurling down a water slide at potentially unsafe speeds.
Unfortunately, despite this passion I carry for parks of the aquatic nature, it has been many moons since I’ve visited either Schlitterbahn or Fiesta Texas’ “White Water Bay” area, and this saddens me. Every time I visit the main park at Six Flags I stare lustfully at all the new daredevil water rides they’ve installed, dreaming of the day when I can cross through those turnstiles and live that water park life.
My main aversion is refusal to go to a water park solo. That screams child molester. My two most common theme park companions are unable to accompany me on my quest. As he is a toddler who can’t swim, my toddler would be something of a hindrance on a 100ft water slide. My girlfriend, despite being a champ in indulging my love for roller coasters in the main park, refuses to step foot in water parks after contracting mono in one many years ago. Their loss really.
That’s why I need a platonic companion who’s also about that water park life. It’s hot as fuck outside, and I see no reason why I shouldn’t be enjoying the lazy river surrounded by fellow citizens of one of the fattest cities in the country. Do you fit the criteria to join me at one of my preferred parks?
What’s Your Availability?
Your boy simply doesn’t wait in lines, at least for water rides. Not about that life at all, especially while holding a cumbersome tube over my shoulder. That’s why, thanks to job flexibility, I’d prefer to do my water park excursions during the weekdays. Taking a Tuesday off to hit my yearly water slide quota when the park is far less crowded is all I want in the world. You’d need to be game as well. Weekends are for taking my offspring on the kid rides that never really have lines.
How’s Your Physique?
If I’m going to spend an entire day walking around next to someone while I’m wearing a swimsuit, I sure as shit don’t want that person looking like their abs were chiseled out of stone. I’m not gonna putz along with my dad-bod next to a Ryan Gosling in Crazy, Stupid, Love-looking motherfucker.
*Bonus points if you’re obese or a former high school lineman. Those guys can cut an ideal path in the lazy river.
Are You Going To Get Hungry While You’re There?
I came to conquer giant water slides; not watch you inhale a fucking plate of $9 chicken fingers.
Are You Down To Go On Any Ride Or Slide?
I swear to God, if we lug a tube up to the top of some monster of a water slide and you say “Uh this is actually pretty high, I’m just going to walk down” I’ll spend my life savings buying a billboard right by your house to shame you for being a coward.
What Makes You A Good Water Park Companion?
Tell me something that makes you stand out. What makes you that person I need as my ride-or-die sitting next to me on a tube heading down the Tornado? Do you have no qualms cutting in front of children? Maybe have a Flash Pass hook-up to send us to the front of the line on everything? You tell me why I need you in my corner on my next water park visit..
Image via Kotsovolos Panagiotis / Shutterstock.com