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I’m fortunate enough to live in a location that is conveniently situated at a reasonable distance to many desirable things. There’s a Whataburger and HEB within two miles of my house. It’s a reasonable drive for me to a couple upscale shopping areas, a Minor League Baseball game, or to the AT&T Center, home of the five-time NBA Champion San Antonio Spurs.
Where my latitude-longitude really benefits the child inside me, however, is being a short drive from Six Flags Fiesta Texas and a decently close to the holy grail of water parks, Schlitterbahn. I’m a big water park guy, so this was a big factor in me not revolting against my parents when they moved me to this area of Texas when I was eleven.
While I’m fully aware that water parks are cesspools filled with obesity and children’s urine, I’m still a huge fan of them. Nothing beats a day floating on the lazy river or hauling a rubber tube up twenty flights of stairs in anticipation of hurling down a water slide at potentially unsafe speeds.
Unfortunately, despite this passion I carry for parks of the aquatic nature, it has been many moons since I’ve visited either Schlitterbahn or Fiesta Texas’ “White Water Bay” area, and this saddens me. Every time I visit the main park at Six Flags I stare lustfully at all the new daredevil water rides they’ve installed, dreaming of the day when I can cross through those turnstiles and live that water park life.
My main aversion is refusal to go to a water park solo. That screams child molester. My two most common theme park companions are unable to accompany me on my quest. As he is a toddler who can’t swim, my toddler would be something of a hindrance on a 100ft water slide. My girlfriend, despite being a champ in indulging my love for roller coasters in the main park, refuses to step foot in water parks after contracting mono in one many years ago. Their loss really.
That’s why I need a platonic companion who’s also about that water park life. It’s hot as fuck outside, and I see no reason why I shouldn’t be enjoying the lazy river surrounded by fellow citizens of one of the fattest cities in the country. Do you fit the criteria to join me at one of my preferred parks?
What’s Your Availability?
Your boy simply doesn’t wait in lines, at least for water rides. Not about that life at all, especially while holding a cumbersome tube over my shoulder. That’s why, thanks to job flexibility, I’d prefer to do my water park excursions during the weekdays. Taking a Tuesday off to hit my yearly water slide quota when the park is far less crowded is all I want in the world. You’d need to be game as well. Weekends are for taking my offspring on the kid rides that never really have lines.
How’s Your Physique?
If I’m going to spend an entire day walking around next to someone while I’m wearing a swimsuit, I sure as shit don’t want that person looking like their abs were chiseled out of stone. I’m not gonna putz along with my dad-bod next to a Ryan Gosling in Crazy, Stupid, Love-looking motherfucker.
*Bonus points if you’re obese or a former high school lineman. Those guys can cut an ideal path in the lazy river.
Are You Going To Get Hungry While You’re There?
I came to conquer giant water slides; not watch you inhale a fucking plate of $9 chicken fingers.
Are You Down To Go On Any Ride Or Slide?
I swear to God, if we lug a tube up to the top of some monster of a water slide and you say “Uh this is actually pretty high, I’m just going to walk down” I’ll spend my life savings buying a billboard right by your house to shame you for being a coward.
What Makes You A Good Water Park Companion?
Tell me something that makes you stand out. What makes you that person I need as my ride-or-die sitting next to me on a tube heading down the Tornado? Do you have no qualms cutting in front of children? Maybe have a Flash Pass hook-up to send us to the front of the line on everything? You tell me why I need you in my corner on my next water park visit..
Applications can be sent to kyle.bandujo@gmail.com or Twitter @kylebandujo. Hope to see you out in the chlorinated waves soon. .
Image via Kotsovolos Panagiotis / Shutterstock.com
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Kyle Bandujo
The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.
@kylebandujo
@bandujokyle
kyle.bandit
Summer between 6th and 7th grade my divorced mother started dating a new boyfriend who bought me and my sister season passes to the local amusement parks, which also came with discount buddy passes. It was the best (and most popular) three months of my life, and I’d be honored to relive those glorious days with you, Crash.
“Bonus points if you’re a former high school lineman. Those guys can cut an ideal path in the lazy river.” Laughing so hard at this
As someone who has been to Schlitterbahn New Braunfels around 10-12 times in my life, sign me the fuck up, K-Bands.
1. Availability – I’m more than down to burn a Monday vacation day to crush some rides starting at 10am (My family always went on Mondays, and got there when the park opened to avoid the aforementioned lines). Full disclosure: I’m about a 4.5 hour drive from NB.
2. Physique – I’m 6’5 and weight between 225-230, so I have a flat-ish stomach but no six-pack to speak of.
3. Hunger – I will pack a sandwich or two to bring in a cooler along with maybe some chips to crush during a power lunch session. Let me know your sandwich and chip preferences.
4. Ride Scaries – None to speak of here, as I think I have ridden every ride in that park.
Companion Points – Like I stated earlier, I’m a Schlitterbahn veteran so I know the ins-and-outs of the park. I have no Flash Pass to my name, but I will sneak between 5-10 beers into the park by rolling them up into my towels that are in the beach bag that I bring into the park (My dad pulled this move every single year we went and never got caught.) Nobody wants to pay for the overpriced beers they sell inside the park.
1. Summer is my least busy time of the year. Hit me up and I’ll be in the lazy river before you can say pina colada.
2. Rocking a solid 18% body fat dad bod. In shape enough for people to know I work out, but not so in shape as to imply that’s all I do.
3. Is there beer? Eh, I’ll be fine.
4. I will ride anything that’s not the Geronimo at Hurricane Harbor in Dallas. That one scares me shitless ever since I heard someone died on it. 0/10 would not fuck with.
5. My capital R roommate and I have an extra bedroom in our apartment, and am a long time veteran of floating the river in San Marcos when we make it down there. I’ve been to Gruene Hall more times than I can count (literally, as I’ve been blackout there multiple times).
@Jenna?
My Waterpark resume
1 – I always try and bend the rules. Example: “Don’t go down the slide head first” just tells me that once the ride starts I can then do what ever the F I please.
2 – I always start a king of the mountain battle on any white water rafting/multi person raft type ride. Sure, two dudes wrestling all wet may draw some looks but hey, we’re just being bros
3 – Gotta be there when the park opens, that way you can ride the best rides a ton before others show up and create lines.
4 – I’m not really big on the wave pool, it just doesn’t do it for me.
5 – Shenanigans…..I’m always looking to stir up a little trouble.
You’re the friend that gets us kicked out of the park.
Nah, boundaries can be pushed and rules bent and I can toe the line with the best of them. I’ve never been kicked out of an establishment that wasn’t a bar.
Never been to either but I’ve been wanting to make a trip down there. You should definitely do a recap on this if it actually heppens. Title it, DadBod Shenanigans or Chronicles, if it’s an ongoing thing.
We’re going to get some kind of video content at Schliterrbahn this summer, Crash.
litty
That poor kid getting decapitated at Schliterrbahn KC made me lose any desire to every go to one of their parks.
You haven’t lived until you’ve traveled down a slide on the ice cold waters at Schlitterbahn.
If I lived closer I’d be all over this companionship.