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The New York Times giveth, and The New York Times rarely taketh away. After last week’s 13 questions you’re supposed to ask before getting married, they graced us with seven more user-submitted questions that have been burning to be answered since they were posted yesterday.
Per The New York Times, all the questions are in bold.
“Do you have a sense of humor?”
Of course, I do. But I think the real question is, do you? I don’t want to be stuck in one of those situations where I make a joke at a couple’s dinner only to see you roll your eyes and not look at me for the rest of the dinner while you pound Pinot and yell at me with your red wine-mouth in our Uber on the way home.
“Are you all in?”
I kind of have to be at this point, don’t I? The closer and closer I get to 35, the closer and closer I get to realizing that my life is what it is at this point. And the closer and closer you get to 35, the closer and closer we both get to the territory where we need to start pumping out kids before it’s too late.
“Are you both clear on your sexual orientation?”
I’m not Hannah Horvath’s dad on Girls. So, uh, yeah, I think I’m prettttttty pretty sure at this point. Am I willing to forget about your Miley-esque makeout phase in college? Sure, but like, I’m also willing to remember it should we meet a frisky girl-girl couple on a vacation in Greece. Oh, you’re not down for that? Okay, okay, I get it. Let’s just drop it. Seriously, drop it. Remember that sense of humor question? Let’s revisit that. Fuck. Okay. I’ll sleep on the couch tonight.
“What will we do if we want to have children, but can’t conceive in the usual way?”
What will we do if we can’t conceive? Where do I begin? First, we’ll take some non-Disney World vacations, save $200,000+ because we’re not putting them through college, be able to go out on dates any night of the week, have a constantly clean house, never change a shitty diaper, and be the couple everyone wants to hang out with. Didn’t see that answer coming, did you?
“How forgiving are you? How hopeful are you?”
I’m forgiving in the sense that I don’t want to keep talking about it, okay? Was I hopeful that I wouldn’t get in trouble for that threesome joke? Yeah, I was. But looks like someone isn’t all that forgiving, are they?
Okay, okay, all jokes aside, I’m a pretty forgiving dude. There’s nothing a hug and a handshake can’t fix. Or, you know, a crisp hundred-dollar bill too. That works.
“How adaptable are you to change?”
Apparently you haven’t read my most recent thoughts on the changes to Snapchat, because I’m emotionally reeling right now. I don’t know which way is up, which way is the best way to view someone’s story, or whether or not I should delete the app. As long as there’s dinner on the table and we eat lobster every Fourth of July and New Year’s Eve, I’m good.
“How important is having a clean house and organized living space to you?”
I require my bed to be made before I go to sleep, and a clean coffee table with an artsy book sitting and a succulent in the middle of it. If that’s too much to ask for a little peace of mind, sue me. I’m a simple man with simple requests. Don’t fuck that up for me. .
Image via Unsplash
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Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
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Kris Jenner probably should’ve asked Brucey one or more of these questions prior to tying the knot…
Doesn’t Caitlyn still like girls? Maybe Kris did, and I imagine that the then Bruce had an internal conversation. “Well I am sure that I do like women so technically I’m not lying about my sexual orientation. She never asked whether I’m sure about my gender or not.” Then he simply replied, “Yes dear.” The rest is history.
Shouldn’t you know if they have a sense of humor before marrying? I mean I’m cracking jokes upon introduction and expect reciprocation
Bad jokes are pretty much my way of weeding out people that I won’t get along with. If you can’t appreciate some good natured ribbing and reciprocate, you’re probably not someone I want to spend much time with.
“How forgiving are you? How hopeful are you?” This seems a lot like the employment survey they send you right before graduation; I didn’t know I was marrying the Alumni Association.
“No we won’t forgive your students loans. For your sake we hope you pay on time”
Thank you Will for crafting my new answer to when people tell me I will “change my mind” about wanting kids someday. This will probably go over better than saying I’m medically unable to to make them feel uncomfortable.
I had to lecture my mother about the “you’ll change your mind” phrase a few days ago. Just because I’m capable of having kids doesn’t mean I want to.
I simply want 1 and my fiancé is pretty sold on the idea too. Whenever it comes up with others the response is, “oh, well you can’t have just one!” Funny thing is, it’s a free country, so if we want to go all in on one kid, send it to private school, put it through college debt free, and still have enough for two vacations a year, 1 with the kid, 1 without, we can.
just listened to PGP podcast… deFries you sound nothing like I imagined. much higher voice than i thought
“Do you have a sense of humor?” is the worst question. Literally everyone thinks he or she has a great sense of humor. It’s like asking Do you like music? or Do you like food?
“How adaptable are you to change?”
Well since this whole union we’re about to agree upon has over a 50% failure rate, I guess the real question is how adaptable are you to change.. Because I’m not moving into a 1 bedroom apartment with a mattress on the floor and still paying for this house if shit hits the fan.
Are you ok? Cause you’re acting like a narcissistic nelly today.
That’s just Devin’s disposition. Check your privilege, bruh.
K, ” bruh”.
I’m sorry, I’m going through a tough time right now. I just realized at 28 that I’m not even close to buying a house and the Bruins might now make the playoffs, and I don’t even have a wife to argue with and get divorced from, and has went up like 10 cents this week.
Might not*….gas*…..Jesus Christ I can’t win today.