My 27 Concerns About Asking A New Friend To Grab A Beer

My 27 Concerns About Asking A New Friend To Grab A Beer

Male bonding isn’t something to be taken lightly. If you come on too strong, you’re going to freak everyone out. But if you wait in the wings and expect everyone to coddle you into a friendship, you’ll find yourself hanging out with a bunch of nerds. One of the scariest experiences is when you’re faced with being in a one-one-one situation with a guy you just met, primarily because you’re not sure if you’re actually friends yet. Sometimes things don’t go as planned, and that scares the living hell out of me.

1. I’ll see someone that I haven’t been texting back lately and they’ll have the realization that they’ve been replaced.

2. I might realize I hate him after sitting down for five minutes and I spend the rest of the time attempting to figure out how to leave.

3.We may just end up spending the entire time on our phones in favor of building our friendship because that’s what people do these days.

4. We could get shitfaced and realize that our friendship is destructive because all we’ll do for the next two years is blackout together.

5. I wake up 36 hours later as a member of ISIS.

6. “You wouldn’t happen to have any painkillers on you, would you?”

7. I realize he needs me as a friend more than I need him and all of the sudden I don’t want to be his friend anymore because he looks desperate.

8. He might think I’m asking him on a date and start a rumor that I’m gay.

9. He posts a Snapchat story of us with the hashtag “#bestiesfortheresties” and I therefore have to commit a murder-suicide.

10. It comes out that he once saw me blacked out and has a video of me doing something stupid on his phone.

11. When we meet up, we have a really awkward high five/handshake mishap that makes me regret ever leaving my house.

12. “I’m not racist, but…”

13. He gets to the bar and divulges that he doesn’t drink so I order a water for fear of him falling off the wagon.

14. Bob Seger’s “Night Moves” comes on the jukebox and he says, “God, I hate this song.”

15. He compares our man date to the plot of I Love You, Man and we both go sullenly silent realizing how depressing it is.

16. The bathroom runs out of toilet paper and he has to text me asking if I can bring him napkins from the table.

17. He asks me to explain the rules of football immediately upon Lions kickoff.

18. “Do you play World Of Warcraft?”

19. He asks me to split a bottle of wine and even though I really want to, I can’t because I’m worried bystanders will think we’re on a date.

20. We get day drunk and end up buying brother dogs that bond us for the next decade.

21. He states that he likes the Kardashians but hates Scott Disick.

22. I get forced into a conversation about his fantasy football team from 2014.

23. I realize we’re eskimo brothers. With my girlfriend.

24. He turns out to be a 9/11 truther.

25. Our conversation hovers around the IBUs and alcohol content of the microbrew flight he orders.

26. I get lured into a pyramid scheme that takes my bank account from 100 to 0 real quick.

27. “Dude, is it just me or is Caitlyn Jenner kind of hot?”

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Will deFries (Twitter / Instagram) is a Senior Writer at Grandex and the world's foremost authority on Sunday Scaries (Twitter / Instagram). Email me at

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