My 15 Innermost Office Fears

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Every day when I walk through the first floor office doors, check my comb over in the reflection, and try to mentally prepare myself for what is about to go down just up the stairs. It’s like when you pause outside of Walmart after 8:00pm, close your eyes and thank Jesus you came out of the womb looking like a human being and not that thing in aisle 7.

But I have these nightmare scenarios of events happening during the workday that are completely possible and hence that much scarier. It’s a movie preview of a scary film that happens to be your life. In almost two years, none of these events have actually transpired, but one day each of these are going to happen.

1. Falling off the toilet during a handicap stall nap. I tend to roll over in my sleep.
2. Snoring audibly during a handicap stall nap. I’m not a mouth breather, but sitting upright while sleeping is testing gravity with your jaw.
3. Hitting my boss’ car in the parking lot. There would be minor damage to the car, but our professional relationship would be totaled.
4. My computer speakers playing inappropriate standup comedy despite my headphones being plugged in. HR doesn’t think fart jokes funny.
5. A coworker accidentally being included in my group texts. There are a lot of common names in my phone book. I blame everyone’s parents for not being creative.
6. IT reading my personal emails. Probably already happened.
7. IT seeing my credit card charges. I don’t even want to see that $98 charge from Saturday night.
8. Forgetting to put my phone on vibrate while taking a poop Snapchat. Absolutely already happened.
9. People asking me if I’m hungover. 60% of the time, the answer is yes 100% of the time.
10. Accidentally hitting “reply all.” I don’t want to be one of “those guys.”
11. Farting audibly in a staff meeting. Everyone’s seen Step Brothers.
12. Leaving an updated resume on the printer. May 2012-Present changed from May 2012-November 2013.
13. Using profanity in casual conversation with my boss. We’re a dry land company, not sailors.
14. Seeing a coworker on Tinder. Another app ruined, and possibly the idea of love.
15. HR digging through my Facebook photos for the birthday slides. Whoever invented the birthday slides was actively trying to get promoted via any means necessary.

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Andy Bernard