We’re about half a year into a new administration, and like with anything in this life that’s new, there have been a few bumps in the road. Some of those bumps have involved staffing. In any industry, it’s damn tough to find good people whether you’re running a Wendy’s or the most powerful nation on that planet.
While unfortunately no movie character would be able to be plugged into an administration job, it’s fun to ponder and think about what could be. With so much turnover and strife among the government employment ranks from time to time, it’s almost a shame to know that there are fictional characters out there who would dominate these jobs.
Tyler Durden from Fight Club – White House Press Secretary
The press secretary is the face of an administration’s agenda. You’ve gotta be cool and calm, but also have the verbal fortitude to emphasize a message. No one can spread the word and get people on board like Tyler Durden. His charisma and messaging fueled a nationally organized vigilante group from the basement of a shitty bar. Give that guy a podium and he’s the best vehicle for any agenda.
You’d never see Durden sweaty or flustered while on the mic; unless that sweat was glistening off his abs because he just whipped the shit out of a reporter for spouting off some fake news. Poor relationships with the press would be out of the question once they start drinking Durden’s Kool-Aid. No better sign for a presidential administration to have reporters leaving the press briefing than with a chemical burn on their hand and chanting “The one rule about the economy is that it’s always a good economy.”
Lt. Aldo Raine from Inglorious Basterds – Secretary of Defense
“We’re gonna be doing one thing, and one thing only: killing ISIS.”
Whether we need his expertise in the Middle East or once upon a time in Communist-occupied North Korea, Lt. Raine is the obvious fictional candidate for Secretary of Defense.
Rusty Ryan from Ocean’s Eleven – Chief of Staff
If you’re running the White House, you’ve gotta play the long game and see every angle. That’s the name of Rusty Ryan’s game. The guy helped lay out the plan that robbed Terry Benedict of both $160M and his girl. Anyone who can leave a casino magnate out nine figures while watching Julia Roberts leave him for a felon is a guy I want planning every move in my administration.
Rusty, while being smooth as absolute hell under pressure, is a pro at both picking associates and making calculated moves. He’d be the kind of guy to convince a foreign minister to sign an advantageous trade deal and then pick his wallet on the way out for good measure.
Billy Beane from Moneyball – Secretary of the Treasury
Ideally you’d like the country to be running on all cylinders 100% of the time. Booming economy, job growth, etc. Problem is, over the course of 4-8 years, there isn’t really a guarantee that the country won’t go through a period where times are tough and you’ve gotta pinch pennies. That’s why you need Billy handling the finances.
If a recession hits, Moneyball‘s Billy Beane is the guy who needs to be holding the keys to the car. That guy got the A’s back to the playoffs basically paying bargain players with food stamps (And the best rotation top-three in twenty years, plus juiced up Miguel Tejeda). When people are standing in soup lines and millennials can’t even afford to put avocado on their toast, Billy’s the guy who can keep the country winning on fumes.
Joe Black from Meet Joe Black – Secretary of Health and Human Services
If you can think of someone who would be better suited for keeping people healthy and away from death than the actual Angel of Death, please be my guest. His past line of work may serve as a conflict of interest, but frankly, that’s not as big a deal as it used to be anyway.
Benjamin Button from The Curious Case of Benjamin Button – Secretary of State
I don’t care whether it’s the old geezer version or young hotness, Ben Button stands out for this gig. The guy already has a multitude of foreign relations experience via his duties in WW2 as well as bedding the wife of the British Trade Minister.
As he visits country after country multiple times each, I can’t think of anyone better to use as the face of America to various foreign ministers and ambassadors. While their own political terms will cause the facial wear and tear of meth addiction, each time they lay their eyes upon Benjamin he’ll only look youthful and better looking. Intimidating to say the least.
Achilles from Troy – Trade Representative
Want to start winning on trade? Turn negotiations into one on one combat, and I’m taking our Trade Rep every time. .