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Every morning, we gather here to contemplate, plan, soak up inspiration, harvest motivation, and get jacked up on coffee and confidence for a day of kicking ass.
WELCOME TO THE MAIN EVENT. IT’S YOU VERSUS THE WORLD. TIME TO STRAP ON YOUR GLOVES, GET IN THE RING AND THROW DOWN. DANCE AND JAB, BABY. TODAY IS THE DAY YOU LAND A HAYMAKER ON LIFE AND MAKE IT KISS THE CANVAS. DON’T JUST DRINK THAT CUP OF COFFEE — CHUG IT BECAUSE IT’S THURSDAY AND IT COULD BE THE LAST THURSDAY YOU EVER SEE. THAT’S JUST BEING REAL. YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’RE GOING TO BE CROSSING THE STREET AND GET HIT BY A BUS AND BOOM YOU’RE DEAD. I BET THEN YOU’LL WISH YOU CHUGGED THAT PIPING HOT COFFEE INSTEAD OF SIPPING IT LIKE A LITTLE BITCH. MAKES YOU THINK, DOESN’T IT?
LIFE IS SHORT, SO CLOSE DEALS, RIDE JET SKIS, SWIPE RIGHT, POUND COFFEE, PRAISE JESUS AND PUSH IT TO THE LIMIT.
Today, we’re going to talk about having a closer’s mentality. There is nothing more important that being mentally equipped to close deals. To be mentally sound, you need a few things.
First and foremost, you need a healthy amount of sleep. Roughly three hours a night should be plenty. This will ensure your brain stays properly functioning under even the most intense of pressure situations so you can stay figuratively quick on your feet. Speaking of feet, you need to stay physically fit. This means eating fast food no more than three times a week, working in at least a few smoothies a month, jogging a mile and a half or so every couple days (preferably behind an attractive member of the opposite sex, or the same sex, if you’re into that), and making sweet fuck on a regular basis (if not with someone else, then with yourself). Lastly, you need to dress well and smell like an angel. Don’t be a cheapskate and rock shit threads. You need to dress like a winner to feel like a winner so that you can be a winner. Bathe regularly, brush your teeth, get your haircut every two weeks at a place that costs more than $20 if you’re a man (ladies, I know your haircuts cost a shit ton more), trim your fingernails and toenails, and shave your initials into your illustrious pubic region bi-monthly.
That’s pretty much it. Follow that advice, and you’ll be like the Mariano Rivera of your company. When I have my first son or daughter of many, those are the first bits of knowledge I will impart upon them, so you should feel blessed. Now get out there and close hard. #DCO
What’s on the schedule this morning? What are you going to conquer today? Let us know in the comments section below. Positivity only. Build the energy. Come correct or don’t come at all..
Respond
Ross Bolen
Ross Bolen is a New York Times Bestselling author, co-host of the Oysters, Clams & Cockles: Game of Thrones podcast, co-host of the Back Door Cover sports podcast, 2017 Masters attendee, bigger and more loyal Rockets, Astros and Texans fan than you, cheese enchilada aficionado, and nap god.
@WRBolen
@WRBolen
WRBolen
First off, I am hungover as shit so don’t type so loud.
My day will consist of the exact same donkey piss that I’ve swallowed for the past week. I know that today I’ll have to deal with Steve, who will be overly friendly since he organized last nights office outing and due to the fact that we’re the same age, he confuses the difference between “peer” and “friend.” He’ll bust in the room in an all too cheery manner (which automatically tells me he’s full of shit because nobody is that happy this early), and say something along the lines of “what’s up bud?”
Fuck. No. Steve needs to take about 20% off and also fuck off. I will embrace the coffee beginning to stain my teeth instead of punching his l, and simply grunt my response. Last I checked, nobody got called bud unless you were talking down to them or taking them for a walk on a leash. I’m not a fucking dog.
Do you have an Adderall script or are you just fueled by insane levels of caffeine and rage?
Never touched the stuff. My line of work is fueled by pure, unadulterated hate and discontent. So much so that once you reach a certain level, it is entirely possible to be prescribed mild amphetamines to keep you moving.
Me? Nothing but that sweet black gravy of life and unbridled rage.
I both fear and respect you.
What Ross is trying to say is that he has a fear-boner.
“What’s up bud” sounds a little bit too close to “sup” for my comfort. I think Steve and I need to have a little chat. Also, sup?
Suuuup
Donkey piss is the nickname of Miller lite.
How I wish my day was full of miller lite.
Last night, I hallucinated for 7 hours until I woke up. Then I went into a ceramic room, where a metal nozzle sprayed me with jets of water as I rubbed fruit scented chemical gel on my body. After that, I ate the unborn young of a chicken and drank hot, bitter bean water. Today, I will sit in a chair for 9 hours, staring at an LCD screen in hopes of earning a worthless piece of paper so I can wake up and afford to do it all again tomorrow.
Well when you put it that way…
FILLING THE PIPELINE WITH PROSPECTS. FUNNEL IS HUGE. MEETING WITH MANAGEMENT IN THE OVAL OFFICE 8:00AM.
YOU GOT THIS DONALD
Hey Donald,
Will your executive order affect many of us at PGP with dual citizenship of the United States and Deal Closer Nation?
Direct all media inquiries to Sean Spicer
Today I am giving my two weeks notice to my boss because I am moving to Colombia to teach English for a year. Everyone pray for my boss, as losing an excellent closer such as myself will no doubt be a crushing blow to him.
Good for you. Super jealous. Sounds like it’ll be an incredible experience. Going to pass on praying for your boss though. No hard feelings, I just don’t like the guy.
I can’t drink the coffee at work because we are under a boil water advisory and our coffee maker is plugged into the water line!!! Woo hooo.
On another note, I’m currently standing in line for not one, not two, but THREE FREE BAGELS.
The fuck is a boil water advisory?
Sorry to hear you live in Flint
This scenario could happen anywhere. The boil water advisory occurs when the water pressure falls below 20 psi in the distribution network. With the lack of pressure there is a possibility the water could become contaminated with bacteria.
Name checks out.
Having schooled in Flint for a year and living near it my whole life, it is hugely blown out of proportion. There are many large cities in the US where lead levels are higher than Flint’s. See: Cleveland, and while it is being fixed, it is not life threatening nor as big of a deal as everyone there acts like. Just take a look at some of the interviews of the people who live there and it’ll explain a lot.
It wasn’t the lead levels, even though I know Pittsburgh has high lead levels as well. Something with a filter in one of the facilities and then low levels of chlorine meant that there could possibly be giardia in the water. They just lifted the advisory though!
Free bagels is as fiscally responsible as it gets
Boil the water, then put it in the coffee pot. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
MEETING WITH MY BOSS FROM MY LAST INTERNSHIP FOR COFFEE. GOING TO WORK TO GET THAT FULL TIME OFFER!
GO GET IT
Spending the morning with my favorite local news girl.
The closer mentality is hard to have in government work, but it has to be brought. Watch out nerds.
It’s Thursday. I’m in early. Two more assignments for the week & then I can coast into the weekend. Got some pep in the step today, get after it.
Dark Roast & Coast. The strongest of moves.
past two days were amazing and chock full of closing. got some nice late emails from my boss congratulating me on the hot streak, and now fighting the urge to mail it in. it’s 7:31 and i’m still in bed. this might be the end of me.
God damn it woman get up and put on for your city.
goddammit you’re right. that, second cup of coffee, and some DMX is just what i needed to motivate.
Took clients to the Cavs game last night and took advantage of free beer. Boss walked by while I was grabbing my coffee and gave me a thumbs up. Riding this hot streak into the weekend
Good to see the squad remembering how to dish assists, even if it was against the lowly Twolves