======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
Every morning, we gather here to contemplate, plan, soak up inspiration, harvest motivation, and get jacked up on coffee and confidence for a day of kicking ass.
CAN YOU FEEL IT? TAKE A DEEP BREATH. THAT’S LIFE YOU’RE INHALING, BABY. FILL YOUR LUNGS WITH SWEET OXYGEN AND READY YOUR MIND FOR MOLDING. IT’S TUESDAY, JANUARY 24, AND YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE THIS DAY ONE TO REMEMBER. HOW DO I KNOW? BECAUSE I’VE PREPARED KNOWLEDGE AND ENTERTAINMENT TO STIMULATE YOUR SQUISHY BRAIN IN PARTNERSHIP WITH HOLY CAFFEINE BEING DELIVERED VIA DELICIOUS COFFEE. POUR A CUP OF JOE AND SLAP YOURSELF IN THE FACE, BECAUSE TODAY WE’RE TACKLING THE ART OF MAKING SMALL TALK WITH COWORKERS.
When making a cup of coffee, you’re often forced to interact with one of the acquaintances that we in the professional world call “coworkers.” These people may seem like your friends, but I can assure you, they are your enemies.
“Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.” -Vito Corleone
That’s why it’s important to keep these people guessing. Give them something, but don’t give them too much. It’s fine to let Stephanie from HR know your weekend plans, as long as those weekend plans are a total and complete lie. She doesn’t need to know that you’re hitting the bars the second quitting time comes and plan on being blackout drunk until you wake up Sunday around noon. You’re cool telling your boss that you’re going on a date, but telling him you met that date on Bumble and have already agreed upon a safe word and which positions you’ll be destroying each other in is completely unnecessary. Be very deliberate with the information you feed your coworkers. Let your officemate know you’re hitting the gym, but leave out the fact that it’s just to work beach muscles and creep on sweaty members of the opposite sex. Over time, lead these sheep to believe you’re just a hardworking young professional who gets the job done during office hours and likes clean living and vitamin pills.
If you run into a coworker that you have absolutely nothing in common with, stick to the classics.
“Great weather we’re having today, huh?”
“How was your weekend?”
“Did you catch the game last night?”
Don’t go crazy and start cracking jokes about some other employee’s slutty wife or bring up Donald Trump. This isn’t Liar Liar. The truth doesn’t pan out well in real life.
Play it safe, stick to the basics, and build yourself a flawless facade of infallibility that makes you look like an upstart go-getter with just enough edge to stay interesting.
Now, which coworker are you going to play like a fiddle with strategic small talk this morning? What’s on the schedule? What are you going to conquer today? Let us know in the comments section below. Positivity only. Build the energy. Come correct or don’t come at all..
Respond
Ross Bolen
Ross Bolen is a New York Times Bestselling author, co-host of the Oysters, Clams & Cockles: Game of Thrones podcast, co-host of the Back Door Cover sports podcast, 2017 Masters attendee, bigger and more loyal Rockets, Astros and Texans fan than you, cheese enchilada aficionado, and nap god.
@WRBolen
@WRBolen
WRBolen
I see you on that rise n grind, Billy.
Game recognize game.
Interview for a job today. Pounding a cold-brew as I type. Gonna blow some people’s minds.
Be a man and get you some hot coffee. Burn off some tastebuds.
Please, you couldn’t handle cold brew if you tried.
Ross, you can talk when you stop drinking vanilla lattes.
They’re delicious. I don’t care what anyone says.
You do you man
Go get em Mike!
I just wanted to let you know that this is the best username I’ve seen yet.
Keep shooting, shooter
Weekly meeting with the boss to check last week’s progress. Today’s response…
Absolutely love that this and “What’s For Dinner” are PGP staples
This was absolutely inspired by Dave’s “What’s For Dinner?” series. People helping people.
Left the office 30 mins ago to see what workers I can gather from the home depot parking lot.
The first person I talk to will be Steve, my supervisor. He is in his 70s and should retire but he likes to remind me almost daily that he “works because he wants to, not because he has to.” Steve will then ask what my plans are for the day, which I believe are an effort to remind himself of what he told me to do or plan his hourly “check ins” to perfect his micromanaging style of supervising in his late years. My first cup is usually sufficient to get me through this encounter.
Cups two and three sustain me as I explain to Steve how to attach a document to an email, work an excel spreadsheet, or my favorite – answering this email, “can you print this for me?”
Nobody. Fuck em all.
Okay I’ve had a cuppa so let me explain: I fuckin hate my job.
To be fair, it’s not the job itself. In the grand scheme of things, I love the work, but the people are just so god damned selfish and stupid. You would think in a “company” where the end goal is selfless service, motherfuckers wouldn’t be lining up at the nearest superior’s derrière, inserting nose into ass, and kissing like it’ll turn into prince fuckin charming.
I came here to do two things: throw back fat mugs of the sweet nectar of life, and slay bodies. Today it’ll take extra patience to do so, so I pour myself an extra generous mug of the Lord’s liquid and embrace the hate as it slips through the teeth and past the gums. Look out motherfuckers, here I come.
By the third cup I’ll be told I’m not “populating a tracker” enough so that jobs get done. I’ll pull up excel and type away until I’m twitching, at which point I’ll chug another steamy mug of life, pack a chaw, and sit back to reflect that apart from the bullshit, despite the buttsharks, and aside from all the nonsense work I do, this is a god damned beautiful country and imma keep it that way. Then I’ll realize it’s fourth cup o’clock.
“Hey, CaffeineAndRage, can you step into my office for a sec?”
Fuck. Who dunnit now?
CaffeineAndRange is having an immediate impact on this site, and I for one like it.
Liv’in up to your name and it is turning legendary
Went with the coffee and chicory this morning. Little shout out to New Orleans and feeling great about it.
Working from home so the only coworker I need to cozy up to is the pup. #blessed
There are whispers around my company that we might get 2 WFH days a week. I’m saying prayers every night.
Ross, it’s only been 24 hours since your last Coffee thoughts post and I think I’ve hit rock bottom. I’m gonna need you to be my NA sponsor but first I’m going to go downstairs to the coffee store where some hipsters who condescendingly talk to me each morning work and get my last fix of that sexy nitro brew coffee. It’s like Guinness but not Irish but it packs a caffeine punch like fucking Connor McGregor. I need to be knocked the fuck out and I know that this coffee will do the complete opposite of that but my work doesn’t have a tranquilizer store in it so I’m forced to take my addiction and live it out as I shake uncontrollably in my cubicle and scratch my neck in cold sweats. Some of my coworkers are utter bags of flaming shit, more uninteresting than a blank sheet of paper hanging up in an art gallery as we are told that it’s art just because everyone’s too much of a pussy to say otherwise, I call em like I see em and to be honest, I wish I didn’t have to look at them. I’m going to wish them well and we’ll talk about our weekends but I already know that they won’t understand. For those that understand, no explanation is necessary for those who don’t, no explanation is possible.
Get out and run through that fucking wall today folks.