More Appropriate Instagram Filters


Instagram has done a great job of providing its users with a variety of filters. You can make yourself look more vibrant or more mysterious, all with the simple change of effect. Unfortunately, there are a few key filters that lend themselves to the existence of twenty-somethings that are lacking. I present some new updates than can efficiently summarize 90% of your time.

The Netflix Filter

This filter attempts to recreate the red glow that lights up your room when you log onto Netflix. Nothing brings out the warm undertones of your complexion quite like the illuminating Netflix title page. Is there anything more seductive than a selfie that hints at a “LOST” marathon? The caption may read “Turnt Up,” but with this filter, we all know you are only referencing the volume.

The Anxiety Filter

On a stress scale of 1 to “Dallas Cowboys fans with less than three minutes left in the game” you are at around at an 8. Maybe it’s a big presentation, a blind date, or the general state of your life, but something has you panicking. This stress has manifested itself with clammy hands that are compromising your ability to hold onto your phone. The anxiety filter helps to notify all your followers of your general distress by covering the photo with a cracked screen effect. For added anxiety you can overlay with a filter that shows the faint traces of sweaty fingerprints.

The Snack Filter

You want the world to know that you ate a Doritos Locos taco but you don’t want to post a picture of yourself actually eating one. Look no further than the snack filter to resolve your predicament. This filter conveniently coats your photo with a layer of cheese powder. This multi-purpose filter also works wonders at suggesting Cheeto, Pringle, or Goldfish consumption. Your picture will be covered in not only cheese residue, but also an air of mystery as you keep your followers guessing about your shameful eating habits.

The 90s Filter

Sometimes a great memory from the 90s hits you and you have no choice but to share this reflection on social media. The 90s filter allows you to notify all your followers that you are getting nostalgic by turning the borders of your photo into the frame of a Tamagtochi Pet. If your 90s love is too intense and you need a stronger way to show your devotion to the days of denim suits, then consider additional filters such as the Beanie Baby Tag Filter, the Body Glitter Filter, or the Oregon Trail “Fording the River” Filter.

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Brown rice. Black beans. Barbacoa. Both Salsas. Corn. Cheese. Guac. Lettuce.

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