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Rational or irrational, I have a lot of fears in life. At the tender age of 8, the idea of switching Sunday School classes was scarier than climbing Mount Everest in sub-zero temperatures. As I grew older, my fears started transitioning from awkward social situations to not getting anything less than a B+ in World History. Before long, I started having the realization that checking my bank account after a night out was the literal scariest thing ever, and I refuse to budge from that.
But as it turns out, us millennials are big saps when it comes to what we’re actually most afraid of – finding love.
VICE (yes, the same people that go to third-world countries solely to do drugs with graffiti artists) reported that 31 percent of the 2,500 millennials they surveyed were afraid of never finding “the one.” This ranked ahead of being homeless, getting fired from a job, and terrorist attacks. They even did their study based on current relationship status and showed that 42 percent of single people feared being alone forever the most.
Now, I’m not a love expert but I like to play one on the internet because everyone knows that if you’re published on a website that ends in “.com,” you’re a published author and everything you say is truth. And as someone who sleepwalked through most of their twenties hoping to find love in all the wrong places, yes, being single in a world that’s seemingly filled with people taking couple’s selfies on Instagram is a debilitating fear that will end in you downloading every dating app known to man before getting Tinder’s feared “there is no one around you” message.
Before you know it, you’re looking at waitresses at dark bars thinking, “Hey, maybe it’s her. Maybe she’s the one.” But after your futile attempts to leave your number haphazardly scribbled on your receipt, you move to Facebook and attempt to use their advanced search feature to type in “Single People In [Insert Geographical Location]” hoping you can spot someone that might not look like a psycho. And if you see that person out, you know they’re single which means you know you can hit on them with full confidence that they’re sorry and alone as well. Unfortunately, once you see them after months of going to the same bar every. single. night, you realize that they’re on a first date with their “the one” and you tell the barkeep to get another brown ready for you, because it’s going to be a long one. You slip a quarter into the juke and turn on Bob Seger’s “Main Street” before that same bartender tells you that it’s time to move along. “You don’t have to go home,” he begins. You know the rest. Before you know it, you’re sitting there in bed watching (500) Days of Summer on a Sunday night wondering if it would just be easier to be alone forever. Which you will be.
Oh, wait, that’s just me? Fuck, alright. I guess checking your bank account after a night out isn’t the scariest thing in the world. .