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I don’t necessarily have a fear of getting old. I want to be more financially stable than I am right now. I want to be forced into early retirement so I can work on my golf game. And, most importantly, I want to get some grey going in my beard to look more distinguished.
Quite possibly, though, the worst part about aging is realizing that you can’t keep up with the current trends. You never want to be the “cool dad” trying to hang with the young whipper-snappers using lingo from five years ago. But with such a big digital footprint in the ground, it’s going to be difficult to escape the changing landscape of the digital world.
These, sadly, are the realities I’m going to have to confront.
That I have to delete my dog’s Instagram account.
I cried three times during Marley And Me the first time I watched it. They say that all dogs go to heaven, and unfortunately, that’s going to be a reality I have to confront. But because I’m millennial scum and created an Instagram account to stockpile every photo if I’ve ever taken of my dog, I can’t just let that account sit there as a reminder of her glory days. Sure, it could be considered a “tribute,” but when I’m scotch-drunk sitting in my recliner watching 1997 Red Wings highlights, the last thing I need to do is cry while endlessly scrolling her account.
That my kid is going to struggle to lock down a good @.
While bees are dying at an alarming rate, people are being born at a rate that I simply can’t fathom. Yes, there are some shitty names in the world like Gwyneth Paltrow’s kid Apple, but there are also so many people being born that I fear all the good @s will be snatched up. Do I determine what I’ll name my kid now? Maybe, but that puts out a vibe that I’m ready for kids. Do I name my kid William Fritz deFries III and just let him inherit my usernames? Sure, but then he’s just got a huge follower-base of other 50-year-old dudes which is weird.
All I know is that I can’t just have my kid walking around with wdefries8188341. That makes for a terrible aesthetic.
That we’re single-handedly responsible for the extinction of avocados.
Sure, Amazon Foods will have piles of genetically-modified avocados that we can buy, but they’ll be grown in greenhouses from Petri dishes rather than on trees in California and Mexico. Never mind the fact that it’s going to be 100+ degrees every day of the week because of global warming, but table-side guacamole is going to be a thing of the past. I can’t have that on my conscience.
That I’m going to look even more like shit as iPhone cameras improve.
I remember the first time I saw Michael Scott in high definition on a brand new television. I could see the hairs in his nose and the wrinkles around his eyes. It was so high-res that I wondered what my parents thought about going from black-and-white television to full-blown in-your-face quality that scared the shit out of me. iPhone cameras are already insanely high-res, but you’re pretty much going to be able to see my pores once Portrait Mode 11.0 comes out. I mean, you’ll probably be able take one snap of me and get a 3D digital printout of my body showcasing all my worst attributes, like the beer belly I’ve been carefully curating since 2009.
That I’m still going to be getting these damn ‘On This Day’ alerts from Facebook.
It’s bad enough seeing how fat I was after discovering beer as a teenager, but it’s going to be even more a death blow when I see how mediocre I looked at 37 thirteen years later after realizing none of my Kiehl’s face products kept me young. I already have bags big enough for a shopping spree at Nordies under my eyes, so I can’t even fathom what the hell I’ll look like at 50 when I’ve given up more than I already have.
At that point, President Zuckerberg will probably have programmed Facebook into chips into our brains and I’ll be waking up with photos of me looking svelt at weddings just before looking in the mirror and seeing a 38″ waist and hair on my shoulders. What a kick in the nuts.
That the world is essentially going to be one big Black Mirror episode.
Sure, Black Mirror is fun to watch now despite the fact that it normally brings on a panic attack. But when it’s 2037 and all of the sudden everyone’s driving around in self-driving Tesla’s while wearing Google Contacts, there’s going to be a harsh realization that I have no idea how to work any of that shit. I’ll ask my son and he’ll tell me to “fuck off” before teleporting to his buddy’s house where they play virtual reality FIFA 2038. Kids those days. .
Image via Netflix
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Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
defriewf
will@grandex.co
We’ll never make it to 50 after the nuclear fall out.
I just got paid $6784 working off my laptop this month. And if you think that’s cool, my divorced friend has twin toddlers and made over $9k her first month. It feels so good making so much money when other people have to work for so much less. This is what I do
Actually, wdefries8188341 would be a fire handle
You won’t have to worry about much guys, society will probably collapse soon and the rich will suffocate everything even more than they already do. Basically, it’s going to be the storyline of Rakka by OATS Studios (YouTube that shit). It’s gonna be wild, and remember, nothing is really that important. Eat Arby’s and so on and so forth
I’ll just set up a social media trust fund. Grab the good @’s now and then pass them along
You mean having a 38 inch waist and hair on your shoulders isn’t normal for someone in their late 20’s?
Late 20s? Shit I have to get it together….
The twitter handle would need to be wdefries80085 (old school calculator joke).
Or just make him get wdefires
Article checks out – these are definitely millennial things. You heard it here first.
Yes, avocados are very good, but I think I could live in a world where my dipping sauces were reduced to salsa and queso.
“Table-side guacamole is the bottle service of Mexican restaurants.” – Ross Bolen
Do not attempt to separate the holy trinity.
Wack
A world without avocados is a world I don’t want to live in.