======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
Sometimes I think maybe I’m a little hard on millennials, but any conscious spectator has to admit we are an odd bunch. We are the generation that invented safe spaces but also covered college campuses with “Trump 2016” in chalk. We’re the generation that overwhelmingly supports Bernie Sanders, followed by Donald Trump and…Ben Carson. We’re the generation that dates on smartphone apps, prefers texting and emailing over phone calls, chases Pokemon into traffic, and binge watches Netflix instead of reading books. Because we’re so drastically different from our parents’ generation, you kind of have to wonder where else our attitude has changed, such as the bedroom. Or, more specifically, pillow talk. Here are some examples of the Millennial pillow talk that I imagine occurs every single weekend:
“Mind if I vape?”
“Have you read my blog?”
“Do you like pizza and wine?”
“Do you mind if I catch some Pokemon in here?”
“Do you watch ‘The Walking Dead?’”
“Thank goodness for free BC.”
“Winter is coming. You know what else is coming?”
“Are you on Instagram?”
*Takes morning after Snapchat selfie*
“Want me to get you an Uber?”
“I’m glad you turned out to be cisgender”
“I like your modern art deco pieces in here. How bougie of you.”
“Just so you know I’m definitely not tweeting about what happened last night.”
“Can you make me a cup of coffee? I prefer fair trade conflict-free organic.”
“I’d like to stay longer but I have to go walk my dog.”
“I saved you the trouble of snapping me a dick pic.”
“Could you tell that I do yoga?”
“Don’t text me for a few days so I don’t think you’re desperate”
“What are you doing?” “Logging last night into my calorie counter.”
“Let’s hurry up and go grab a Starbucks, my favorite barista gets off in an hour.”
“I’m sorry, I’ve just never done that before. I’m a vegan.”
“So do you just want me to Venmo you for the price of a plan B?”
“So…why did you ask me to call you Khaleesi last night?”
“Bumble: 1 Self control: 0”
“Wait, I DO follow you on Twitter!”
“Crap, I forgot to check in on Untappd last night.”
“Well now I feel a little better about the wedding I have to be in tomorrow.”
“I’m going to sleep. Bottomless mimosas starts at 10 am tomorrow.”
“In the interest of full disclosure, I sent a Snapchat of you sleeping with the dog filter on to all my friends.”
“Well, at least I have the z-list Internet celebrity notch on my bedpost now.”
God help us all. .
Respond
@5OClockShadow_
“Do you read PGP?”
There’s someone that would get a call back.
“You like that 5OClockShadow guy? He’s kind of a douchebag tbh”
These are great ways to get rid of a bad Bumble date
Big venmo for BC guy.
Is like to stay longer but I have to walk my dog… My go to for ditching hookups and bad dates. Great perk being able to blame it all on my dog.
“so, like, you don’t like have anything, do you?”
Pretty sure DeFries just wrote this article to show off his verified twitter account. PGPM
Wrong article. I know y’all are busy fighting SPAM bots, but would it kill you to make an edit button?
“Bumble: 1 Self control: 0”