Milk, Ranked


I was raised on the dairy, bitch.

Milk is a staple in my fridge. I’m always rocking two gallons, 24/7. Now that I’ve grown older, I’ve had to taper my consumption of the delicious cow nectar and move on to coffee, herbal tea, and organic grapefruit juice. I still find myself craving that tall, ice-cold glass of milk every morning, though.

So, which kind of milk is the best? It’s an age-old argument. Some people don’t even like milk, and those people are monsters. Milk is one of the healthiest (when consumed in moderation) fluids on this earth. There’s a reason they feed it to baby cows. It’s because it turns them into delicious, steak-yielding behemoths.

This milk will always be our milk.

1. Two Percent

Two percent is the undisputed champ of milk: thick, sweet, delicious. It’s like you’re drinking muscles into your body. Of course, it isn’t the healthiest option when it comes to the white wonder, but dammit, if you want to enjoy your milk drinking experience, two percent is the way to go.

2. One Percent

One percent is a close second to two percent. It’s the healthiest option of all the milks. It’s not as rich as two percent, but it’s still enough to get the job done. Mmmmm.

3. Chocolate

When you don’t want to endure the embarrassment of ordering an 800-calorie milkshake, this will do.

4. Vitamin D Whole

If you’ve ever wondered what drinking cold glue is like, try a glass of whole milk. Still wonderful.

5. Eggnog

Toss some rum or whiskey in it and this might climb the charts. Maybe it doesn’t truly qualify as “milk,” but it’s still a staple of the holiday season. It’s a real treat.

6. Strawberry

Same thing as chocolate milk, but with a vague, fruity taste!

7. Condensed Milk

The primary ingredient of cheesecake. Who doesn’t like cheesecake?

8. Buttermilk

Shit. Now I’m just reaching.

9. Goat Milk

10. Human Breast Milk

11. Cottage Cheese

12. Spoiled, Chunky Milk

13. Skim Milk

“Skim milk…is water that’s lying about being milk.” -Ron Swanson

Skim milk is among the most disgusting, vile, immoral substances on the face of the earth. This shit is simply that: shit. To water down milk this much is a crime. If you really want to cut calories that badly, then cut out milk entirely. You’re bringing the rest of us down. I will smite down skim milk from my mighty milk throne and burn down your house of lies. I take my milk with max fat and max flavor.

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.

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