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Welcome to the PGP Mailbag, wherein I will answer questions from you, our readers. Send your questions to dillon@grandex.co. All topics welcome.
Hey Dillon!
I’m a new to PGP but I wanted to get your advice on how to date while living at home. I have been dating this guy and next is the third date (and I’m definitely DTF) but we both live at home. Don’t really want to “third date” in the car. Any advice?
Well, shit. One of you eventually has to get your own place. That’s the answer here. You can’t keep carrying on like this. Now, I don’t know how old each of you are, so I guess it’s possible you’re 18 to 22 and either not in school or going to a local college and living at home to save a buck until you can afford to get your own place. But damn. This has to end.
And I’m not saying sex is off the table or anything, because when a couple horny kids such as yourselves want to bump uglies, there’s always a way to make that happen. However, boyfriend/girlfriend shit like cooking at each other’s places or watching movies on the couch or, most importantly, staying over, is kind of off the table under current circumstances. With Mom and Dad and possibly even your little brother or sister in the next room, you’ll never be comfortable doing those things.
As for the sex part, just wait until you have the house to yourselves. Duh. It may not be on the third date, though.
Hey there Dillon,
Although I’ve followed this column for a while now, I didn’t think I’d really have an issue worth bringing up, but as it turns out, I now do…
So, last Saturday night, I met a girl and went back her place. It went well and she seemed cool, so Sunday morning we made plans to hang out again at some point this week. Fast forward to today, she’s ghosted. Which is honestly not a huge deal to me. We’ve all done it before, and it’s just one of the risks of singledom at this point.
Problem is, I accidentally left my favorite pullover at her place. I didn’t worry too much at the time, since I figured I’d see her again. After a day of silence, I followed up with a request to have her just leave it somewhere near her apartment for me to pick up. No response.
My granddad, who passed away in January, gave me that pullover last Christmas, so it has sentimental value. How do I go about handling this? At this point, I just want it back.
I hate that ghosting is so accepted these days. “We’ve all done it before,” he says. Be better, people.
Look, man, you get that fucking pullover back. If you haven’t yet expressed the pullover’s sentimental value to her, do that now. If she sees your message and doesn’t respond after that, you take more drastic measures, because she sucks. Contact a mutual friend about it and enlist their help, perhaps.
Your last resort is to go over there. You really don’t want to have to do this, though, because it sets you up to be labeled a weirdo, or a stalker. Even if your intentions are totally pure, and in this case they definitely are, the “he showed up at my apartment so he’s a stalker” narrative is too easy to throw out there. You don’t want that.
You just want that pullover back, and you’re gonna get it.
Hey Dillon,
I have what seems like a pretty generic question but not sure whether it’s been asked. And I know the answer is probably “there’s no right answer” and “depends on your relationship” but I’m asking anyway. How many nights is normal to spend with your boyfriend/girlfriend? Our particular situation is that we’ve been dating for like 10 months and live in the same town (so convenience is not a factor). I know better than to compare, but most similarly situated couples I know probably spend a majority of nights together. On the other hand, we almost always go sun-weds without a sleepover, and this past week didn’t spend weds or thurs night together, either. He’s busy with work and sometimes likes to do his own thing at night – as do I – but then I find myself wondering why he wouldn’t just come over to sleep or pick me up to come over after his workout. I’ve voiced my concerns that it bothers me more than it bothers him and a time or two has mentioned just wanting time to himself (I get it) but mostly blames work/school.
I’ve always prided myself on being independent and try not to keep tabs, but I can’t help but think if he was truly as in love as he claims, he’d want to spend more time with me- even if it’s sitting on the couch while he does his work and I do mine. Do I just have unrealistic expectations?
Thanks!!
Ten months in and living in the same city, I think four nights a week is about average. Maybe five. This is based on open availability, though. Weird/long hours at work or school can greatly affect this.
I won’t go as far to say you have unrealistic expectations, but if the dude is working and in school, maybe you should consider letting him have his nights alone and/or studying without fussing about it. If a typical week means you’re staying with him three nights, that seems normal enough to me. Let the guy off the hook.
Hey Dillon.
Been a long time Grandex fan
I had a question that has got me deep in thought and I wanted a second opinion. My girlfriend of about 3 years and I (i’m a 4th year about to turn 5th year at my state school) have really entertained the idea of me getting a dog. Not like a shared dog, that to me is just setting the relationship up for inevitable anguish down the road, but my own dog.
I’ve always wanted one of my own, but there have always 2 factors keeping me from doing it
1. Cost. I’m still not out of school yet, and to me spending money on shots, food, vet care etc. would end up stretching my finances pretty thin
2. Caring for it, meaning that I am still young and my schedule varies so often that having another living thing around would probably start to incur on my plans.
My question is, in your humble opinion, is the best age range to pull the trigger on getting a dog? I’ve figured later in life I would have more time and resources to devote to this type of endeavor, but when exactly in your opinion is the sweet spot.
Hope to hear back soon,
James
PS, Labradoodles are the tits
Your two concerns are very valid. Well done. A good dog owner can afford all that comes along with owning a dog, has ample time to spend with the dog, and cares enough to spend their free time with the dog.
Ideally, the best time to get a dog is once you’ve landed a secure job and most of your wild days are behind you. If you’re waking up hungover on your boy’s couch three times a month because that’s where you passed out from drinking the night before, I don’t care how old you are or how much money you make. You’re not ready to care for a dog. A good age range is probably 25-28, but again, it’s more about your ability and willingness to care for a dog than it is about your age. Your dog deserves a responsible owner.
Hey Dilly Dilly,
Quick question I wouldn’t mind seeing answered in the mailbag:
I started working at my current company about a year ago. Since then I would say I’m friends or at least very good acquaintances with the people I work with. A bunch of the gals and guys in the office are getting married (not to each other, don’t shit where you eat) and going to each other’s weddings. They also invited a few others in the office that had been working with them for awhile. Anyway, I’m obviously not invited nor did I want to be.
My question: do I still get them all a gift? (There’s 3). I was thinking a check? Am I a dick for not getting them anything? Would love to hear your thoughts, I’ll hang up and listen. Thanks!
No gift. Definitely not a check if you do decide to give them something, but you really shouldn’t get them anything here. They won’t be expecting it, either. Actually, it might even make them uncomfortable if you got them something.
“Hey Honey, Carl in Accounting got us a waffle maker. Isn’t that nice?”
“Wow, really? He wasn’t invited to the wedding, though.”
“I know. Now I feel bad.”
That is, word for word, how that conversation would go. Tell them congrats and be done with it..
The more questions I receive, the better this series is going to be, so send me your Mailbag questions to dillon@grandex.co and please put “Mailbag” in the subject line.
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Dillon Cheverere
Dillon Cheverere is the Vice President of Media for Grandex, Inc. Email: dillon@grandex.co
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RogerJDorn
Pullover dude: call the cops if she doesn’t give it back.
Pullover!
No, it’s a cardigan but thanks for noticing!
Yeah! Killer boots man!
I’m actually not kidding. Very last option, absolutely, but maybe she’ll learn not to ghost and be a pos.
Anyone else REALLY hoping to hear a follow up on pullover dude? I want to hear that he got it back
Currently going through the whole “where can we fuck?” Dilemma. Something about car sex at 28 restores your youth.
In other news I’m making an offer in a place this week. I promise it’s unrelated….
To the girl that lives with her parents: get a hotel room. There’s probably some nice hotel in your town that’s not a Ritz Carlton but also not a Motel 6 that you can get for a decent price for a night. I had a buddy that did this when he and his now girlfriend first started dating. Split the cost and enjoy hotel sex. It’s the best sex.
That’s not a viable play longterm
Dillon speaking the truth over here. As great as hotel sex is here, it’s not really something you can afford if you want to fuck on a regular basis.
No, of course not, and it wasn’t intended to be a long term solution. From the question, I got the vibe of needing a place to have sex on the third date, not indefinitely in the relationship. That would definitely be a headache.
Nah, she’s gotta take the deep dive and book a room at that dumpy-ass Motel 6 knock-off where the crackheads now just pay rent to live there full time. Girl, get familiar with the real world. It’s ugly. Go all in and experience what it’s like to have a sex marathon in a stoned out phase. Who cares about your future, there isn’t much of one left so bone your heart out and release all those pent up tensions and network with people who fell through the cracks because when the mirage crumbles, those are the people that are gonna figure out how to survive lol
That’s what my wife did for our first V-Day.
congrats on the sex, dave
I’m not seeing the huge deal with bringing your date back to your parents house. Just go straight to your room and don’t be banging in the living room and your parents shouldn’t give a shit. You both live at home so it’s not like the other person can judge you for it.
In what fucking world is it ok to just roll into your parents house and have sex with them home?
shouldn’t care is the key phrase. however, my parents still are weird about me staying in the same room as my bf even though we currently live together and have been dating for 2.5 years haha
Like Dillon said, don’t get a dog until you have a steady income and the time to spend with them. Coming from someone with a 3 month old pup, your schedule will revolve around them for a little bit, so if you want to have a normal college social life you probably shouldn’t get a dog.
On a side note: having a little pup that’s always happy to see you when you get home and thinks you’re the best thing ever is pretty awesome, so if you’re ready, go for it!
Definitely don’t get a puppy if you’re wanting to go out all the time.
BUT you can adopt an older dog and they will be perfectly content when you leave and you can give them a loving home for the last stages of their life.
I second this. Having a dog is great but it is a huge commitment, especially in the first 6-8 months. Be prepared to make a lot sacrifices in your social life. I’m talking skipping happy hour after work, leaving the bar earlier than usual on the weekend, and no passing out at your buddies place bc you were too fucked up to make it home. Easiest move is to wait till you’re living with your s/o so you can take turns.
but a Labradoodle?? Have some dignity. I picture that’s what kind of dog Girl has (Sperry)
Golden Retrievers all the way. Super friendly and pretty low maintenance compared to some other dogs.
I got my dog in law school, when I was in a serious/living together relationship. We broke up, I got the dog. I have no problem affording him but I haven’t been able to spend the night out in 7 years which realllly puts a damper on the dating life.
Do you get to take the pup out in the middle of the day? I work all day and am afraid of only taking a dog out in the morning and at night. He won’t be able to go out during the day.
Yeah and if I can’t, I’m lucky and have a lot of people that help me with her if I can’t make it home to let her out. If you get an older dog, or even just an older puppy, they should be fine while you’re at work.
Definitely don’t get a super young puppy though because they physically can’t hold it that long, which makes house training that much harder.
Pullover dude: steal her clock, and arrange an exchange.
steal her car, really up the stakes
Coooo-stan-za!
Where to hook up? Hotels. Also I’ve gone to 2nd base in the front seat of a Prius.
Dave, you cad.
I miss that Prius. It got totaled a year ago when I was driving to work and got hit by a semi.
Jesus, congrats on not being dead in that case
Weekday sleepover girl- my fiancée and I very rarely slept over during the week before we lived together- maybe one night/week if that. I work pretty long hours and it sounds like he does too, so by the time I get home, maybe workout, eat, and shower, it was time to sleep. Other than the sex thing, I don’t see a ton of value in just coming over to spend the night in the same bed when we both have to be at work early in the morning.
Spending time apart helped us tremendously and allowed us to be selfish with our time during the week for things we wanted or needed to do, have friendships outside of each other, etc.
Hit post too early… each couple defines that differently, but now that we are on the other side and seeing each other every night, I’m glad we had some time during the week to ourselves when we did. It’s made the next steps even better
Also depends if there are roommates involved. Don’t want to be the guy whose gf practically moves in
Dealing with that guy whose gf practically moved in…she stays over 5-6 nights/week – starting to go crazy here and I can’t say that I haven’t thought about passive aggressive ways to ask if she’s going to start splitting rent/utilities since she’s here more often than my other roommate and I.
Morale of the story: Don’t be that person cause your roommates WILL begin to hate you, no matter how “cool” you think your gf is.
PREACH. Our apartment is splitting up because one dude’s gf comes over every single night and we’re tired of feeling like a third wheel in our own home. They sit on the couch and cuddle and whisper to each other and it’s disgusting… We’re all barely even friends with him anymore because he spends every waking moment with her
Also you and your significant other are meant to compliment each other, you shouldn’t really pressure them to spend more time than they feel like they should be spending with you. If your viewpoints on that are opposites then maybe you should consider if that’s the right person for you. Seriously, bc if you’re having these kinds of issues now, bigger issues are likely to come up down the road.
I don’t understand the concept of weeknight sleepovers. By the time I’m done working and working out, its time to smoke a J, shower, eat something, and pass the eff out. In the morning, I want to wake up in my own bed, in my own apartment.
An ex and I both did the living at home while dating thing for a little over a year. Her dad didn’t care for me staying the night at their house, so I didn’t. My parents are a little more progressive and didn’t care if she stayed the night, so she stayed the night a few times per week. You just have to learn how to bump uglies quietly most of the time, and take full advantage of having the house to yourselves. We were both around 25-26 at the time so we were financially stable enough in our postgrad jobs to take off on weekend trips alone semi-regularly, because like Bill Nye alluded to earlier: there’s no better fuckin than hotel fuckin.
You get them a nice waffle maker and they get you mixed up with Carl in Accounting? SMH
You could afford semi-regular weekend trips but couldn’t afford to move into your own place?
Fair question, but to be more clear they were all road trips. We weren’t jet-setting all over the world or anything. Also, I was saving up so I could comfortably afford to buy a house with a 15 year mortgage, which I did in December. I’m not trying to spend over 1/3 of my life paying off a house.
Sup?
Am I the only one who actually wanted some advice on the living at home bit? In the NYC area it’s far too expensive to move out when you’re inundated with loans and such unless you’re making a solid amount of money, not just 22 year olds fresh out of college. I guess the hotel life is really the only way huh?
Or you can find someone to bang that has their own place
Did that for a while. It was lovely. Parted ways and now I’m struggling with the whole my parents can just walk into my room at any given time because they can pull the “you live here but it’s our house” thing. And they probably would and try to strike a conversation with any girl I had over mid- coitus or not.
I work in NYC and commuting there is also fairly expensive for me it would not be that much more expensive to live Hoboken than it is to take the train. But that being said I still live at home and could use some advice on that too.
I’m feeling like Costanza right now plotting my “wedding” in order to secure checks from non-invited office acquaintances.