Live Blog: PGA Championship 1st Round

Live Blog: PGA Championship 1st Round

For everyone at work who can’t break away from the day-to-day grind to catch the action live. Or if you’re just one of the poor souls who has the live feed blocked on your work computer and this is all you have. And yes, I realize you have to press refresh to see the updates. All times are Central Time Zone because Wisconsin.

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4:46: And he lips it out. That’s my sign to leave, guys. It’s 4:46 central time, so if you aren’t either mailing it in at work and heading home in a few and/or not already at home butt deep on your couch, then I don’t know what to tell you. You’ve got things you need to straighten out. Go Lions.

4:45: Spieth with a par putt because he put the last putt past the hole, who would’ve thunk.

4:40: Jordan’s third shot from just off the green on this par 5 goes past the hole, he’ll eventually two putt for yet another par. #ReverseJinx

4:36: Rory puts it 15 feet away; is still wearing red pants that are looking more and more pink as the round goes on.

4:35: Spieth 239 yards out, puts it just off the green. Something tells me he’ll get up and down for par.

4:34: Dan also just tried showing me a Snapchat from like two days ago, which clearly shows that he has ZERO clue how Snapchat works.

4:30: Currently watching Dan Regester trying to take a selfie. I’m going to get my hands on this one way or another. And just as an FYI, they’re pretty much showing a replay of the front 9 for this group right now.

4:29: They are currently showing a montage of Jordan Spieth two-putting. I’m still weirdly into it.

4:27: This conference room needs a Spieth birdie more than anything right now. I feel like I’m waiting in a long-ass line for a rollercoaster.

4:26: Every time I see Kevin Na, all I want to do is say, “Na na na na na na na,” like in Big Willie Style. I cannot be alone in that.

4:24: ZJ, on the other hand, is even with a ton of squares and circles all over his scorecard.

4:23: Jordan with another par, because of course. 10 holes, 10 pars.

4:21: Rory with a looong putt, puts it right in front of Zach’s for par. I hope Rory stands directly over his shoulder and asks for a read the entire time to get in his head.

4:19: Phil +1 even though he seems all over the place. ZJ hitting his third just off the green while Rory is, yet again, in the long stuff. He chunked the shit out of it and it went like 10 feet. For me, that’s a hell of a shot. For him, awful.

4:18: Also just remembered that there’s a Lions pre-season game tonight. I will not be live blogging that because I fear I’d break the entire internet.

4:15: Just remembered I didn’t drive myself to work today and someone is picking me up tonight. ‘Boutta pour a stiff white wine on ice. Be right back.

4:14: “Is she hot?” – Someone in the conference room in regard to Elizabeth Banks. Of course she is.

4:13: ZJ just repeated, “get right” about ten times before the ball landed and he said, “get left” as it went directly into the smallest bunker on the hole off the fairway. Can’t help but smile.

4:12: This hole’s teebox was tailor made for ProTracer. Does anyone have any contacts at TNT that you can put me in contact with? About to lose it if I don’t see a laser trail behind one of Rory’s drives.

4:07: Rory’s Omega “Hall Of Fame” Commercial Count: 1,200

4:06: Verne Lundqvist just let out a cough that needs to be addressed immediately by some medics. Would be surprised if he makes it through the weekend let alone to football season.

4:05: Important Update: Spieth still hasn’t made a putt. 9 holes, 9 pars.

4:04: ZJ just made a deeeeeep putt and the announcer said (for the second time today), “That’s fun!” As bad as the Fox coverage was for the US Open, I actually miss it right now.

4:01: This David Lingmerth (who are are now referring to as The Swede) is good. Still -5.

4:00: Listening to Devry Guy ask for time off after being a full-time writer for 3.5 days is so entertaining.

3:56: There’s been a HUGE lack of ProTracer technology and drone usage. The PGA Championship is the most bootleg of the Majors.

3:55: This back nine better be more exciting than the front, because none of these guys are doing anything spectacular and I was expecting fireworks.

3:53: Phil with another perfect lie.

3:51: TNT is doing their best version of ESPN’s Sports Science and I think I can speak for everyone when I say that they just need to not.

3:49: The cameraman got too close to Spieth and he said, “Get the fuck away from me.” Well, probably, you couldn’t see his lips moving and there was no audio. But still.

3:48: It just feels like Spieth will par every hole after two-putting with the way today is going. Or maybe he’ll go low on the back and we’ll all fall more in love with him.

3:45: Rory is currently taking every look ever at this putt for par. There’s a zero percent chance he makes it so I’m not sure why he doesn’t just toss it up there and two-putt.

3:44: David Lingmerth is this tiny-ass little dude they keep showing. I really don’t want him to become a thing through this tournament. He’s currently in 2nd at -5.

3:42: He missed the putt though.

3:41: He puts it to like 5 feet. Phil never disappoints despite Dorn hating him.

3:40: Phil with a real nice lie. This should be easy.

3:37: In case you missed it, enter to win a brand spankin’ new Callaway Big Bertha Driver.


3:36: People scoffed when I said Lake Michigan was the best body of water in the world. Ocean people are psychos. #TeamLake

3:34: Dufner, you look terrible, man.

3:32: “Tiger still lurking in the tall grass, just 9 shots back.” – A text I just received.

3:31: Phil at -1, Jordan at even-par (all pars), Rory at even-par (one birdie, one bogey), Zach Johnson just still being a huge dweeb.

3:30: Okay, now for an actual golf update: Spieth lips out another birdie putt which is devastating. They just aren’t dropping for him right now.

3:29: I shoould DM and ask her because she follows me on Twitter. That’s not be humblebragging. That’s taking my shirt off and flexing my muscles at the world.

3:26: Is Paige Spiranac playing? Asking because I’m in love with her.

3:24: Say what you want about Phil, but the dude has some unreal lettuce coming out of that KPMG flexfit.

3:23: Devry Guy now touting a hole-in-one he got on a pitch and putt course. If your name isn’t in the paper / if you didn’t Periscope it, it didn’t happen. Sorry, bro.

3:20: Dustin will crumble, Jason Day will do something “heroic” that’s not heroic at all and finish T2, Harris English will win because it’s the year of the rope hat. Again, I said Titanic would be a flop.

3:18: In case anyone is wondering what the leaderboard looks like considering I haven’t even mentioned it yet.

3:15: When Titanic first came out, I said it would be a flop because everyone knew how it ended. Never trust my theories.

3:14: Phil going iron off the tee on #6 which (to me, at least) seems like an unbelievably difficult hole for being a 360 yard hole. As I type that, Spieth chips it to about 4″.

3:11: Zach Johnson just hit a hell of a shot that landed just on the green and bounced about 20 feet past the hole. Meanwhile, Rory is still tromping around all over uninhabited parts of the course. Something tells me he’s rusty. That “something” is the fact that he played a shot out of a pond on #5.

3:10: Jordan goes into the front bunker, looks completely baffled. We’re baffled too, Jordan. You’re supposed to be 5-under through 5, not even.

3:08: Phil leaves an approach on #5 short. Got about as close to the water as possible with not actually being in the water. Ends up flopping it about 10 feet from the pin. Just Phil doing Phil things.

3:07: The amount of times we’ve Google’d “hot golf wives” today in this conference room is next level.

3:05: First Jason Day shot of the day. He finished at 4-under, no word yet on if he’s done anything heroic like recovering from his fake vertigo at Chamber’s Bay.

3:04: The Zach Johson Transamerica ads are more boring than Steve Stricker par putts. And that’s saying a lot.

3:01: Spieth’s birdie putt goes just left. He’s just missing these putts. Has parred all 5 holes at this point.

3:00: ZJ pushes his par putt right. Goes to 2-over. Can’t say I feel bad.

2:58: Rory rolling up the leg of his red pants which is making him look like LL Cool J in the “Doin’ It” video.

Screen Shot 2015-08-13 at 2.58.00 PM

2:57: Yeah, so, Rory isn’t doing so hot on this hole.

Screen Shot 2015-08-13 at 2.57.08 PM

2:56: Spieth puts it right inside ZJ. Yes, I’m immature enough that I laughed to myself when I typed that.

2:54: ZJ hitting his fourth shot into the green on this 600 yarder. I really hope he gets aggressive and immediately regrets it. The wind is picking up and it’s making me think there is a God. Nevermind, checkdown wedge to about 15 feet. Back to the drawing board.

2:53: Rory seems to have zero clue where his ball is, which makes me feel a lot better about my golf game because I lose at least six balls a round if I’m playing lights out. #GreatHair #LongDrives

2:52: Rory lands it short after having to punch out of the bunker. This whole “course record” thing I spat out earlier is getting further and further away.

2:50: Another Stricker par putt. My mouth is watering at how juicy this action is.

2:48: Watching an old man on a cliff describe the rules of dropping to Zach Johnson is enthralling television. We are all hoping ZJ pushes him off the cliff which would, “make for the best GIF ever,” per Roger Dorn.

2:46: Rory is in a bunker, just tromping around like a little kid. To put it bluntly: he’s fucked. Just had to punch out. But on a 601 par 5 where Rory can hit the ball 300 at any given moment, is he ever really fucked?

2:45: Spieth sitting pretty in the fairway and is laying up, which I’m choosing to not acknowledge anymore because I like to live in a world where Jordan Spieth never lays up.

2:44: Things are getting weird in here.

2:41: “I follow that Oregon library masturbator on Snapchat.” – Overheard in the conference room, will remain anonymous.

2:40: Ross is just lying on his back on the ground in the middle of the conference room. I’d take a photo but I don’t want to lose a job where I get to live blog golf tournaments.

2:39: Spieth blasts another drive down the gut. I’d give both of my pinky toes to be 1/10th as good at golf as he is.

2:36: Oh, and I will not be live blogging this weekend. I’ll be too busy sipping drinks on a beach in Florida. #MargLife

2:34: They’re currently doing swing tips with the poor man’s Ernie Els. Dude is lacking posture and that entire montage made me uncomfortable. TNT needs to figure it out before the weekend.

2:32: I just had to do some actual work so I missed pretty much the entire forth hole. Rory in with a par, ZJ in with a bogey, and Jordan with a par. Kind of best case scenario if you ask me.

2:24: Adam Scott just three putted with his belly putter. Good luck next year, bro. Might wanna lock down a hot chick before you bomb out of the PGA Tour when you can’t putt.

2:21: “I could fucking do it.” — Devry Guy. I can’t wait to take him to Top Golf some weekend and laugh at his every shot.

2:20: Here’s the video of the Stricker stadium shot. This looks ABSURDLY difficult.

2:19: Devry Guy is talking shit about Steve Stricker struggling to hit a wedge from the top of Wisconsin’s stadium onto the logo in the middle of the field. Like, is that supposed to be easy, Jared? That sounds absurdly hard, dude.

2:16: Dammit. Spieth just got about as close to going over a cliff into the lake as humanly possible, so this next shot (being a righty) should be interesting.

2:15: They just showed a Steve Stricker par putt and just typing that sentence put me to sleep.

2:12: They are going to show this damn Omega watch commercial that says something about the Hall of Fame and the world knowing your name like a million times over the next four days. This is awful.

2:11: ZJ birdies #3, Rory pars, Spieth lips out a birdie putt, taps in for a par.

2:09: They haven’t shown an actual golf shot in like 10 minutes so we’ve resorted to discussing Justin Verlander’s pictures from The Fappening.

2:06: Wait, so the town of Kohler, Wisconsin is really named after that dude with the long-ass eyebrows? Mad respect.

2:04: Another real question asked: “Would you rather own a WNBA team or a Burger King?”

2:02: “Can you swim in Lake Michigan?” I cannot believe I just fielded that question in this conference room. No idea why there are zero boats out there. I’d be camped out blasting Kid Rock’s “All Summer Long” while drinking a tallboy of Stroh’s.

2:01: Adam Scott still putting with that anchored putter — the last major he can ever use it in. This dude is going to have a brutal offseason teaching himself how to putt like a normal human being.

2:00Rory’s eagle putt short; taps in for birdie. Will finish 9-under at this rate! Electric stuff through two holes. Meanwhile, ZJ bogeys. Ha. Dork.

1:59: Spieth’s chip ends up like 8 inches from the hole. Should tap in and remain even.

1:57: Adam Scott with a chance to birdie the firs three holes. And I must say, Lake Michigan was looking fine as hell during his last shot. Would love to do a flying squirrel into that beauty off a pontoon boat.

1:55: ZJ off the green in 4. What a loser. Meanwhile, Spieth is behind the green on the fringe in 3.

1:53: No one is more entertaining to listen to ripping on Zach Johnson than Ross Bolen. He just called him an “irritable little pinhead” and did an impression that goes beyond typing a description of it.

1:52: Currently rocking out a Nature Valley bar, which is also my favorite snack on the course because it doesn’t get all over my hands making it hard to pipe drives. I’m willing to listen to what snacks are better but good luck.

1:51: A literal Google search that just happened in the conference room: “Who is Rory banging?”

1:48: Rory just went Big Nuts and flew a 3-wood 248 yards to the green for an eagle opportunity.

1:46: ZJ just hit out of a fairway bunker and damn near killed someone as his ball went short left. Spieth hitting from the fairway; telling people to get the hell out of his way as he attempts to take a pro-line over the fairway bunker and hill. He pummels it and takes the perfect line, unfortunately ends up in some stupid ass bunker that’s pointlessly in the middle of the damn fairway.

1:45: Phil just went to 1-under with a birdie on 1. That’s big for dudes like he and I with our lackluster bodies.

1:44: As it stands: Rory +1, ZJ and Spieth are even.

1:41: I have no idea why but TNT just showed this leading into commercial. #SelfieThursday

Screen Shot 2015-08-13 at 1.41.10 PM

1:40: It’s windy AF at Whistling Straits but Spieth just tossed one up on the fairway like a stud. Also, we are trying to figure out whether or not Rory’s outfit is cool or not. Dorn likes it, Ross hates it, but it doesn’t matter because he just pumped a perfect drive.

1:38: Dan is clearly trying to get some edge by growing a beard, but Ross just brought up the fact that Dan told people he was homeless at the bars this weekend to get free drinks. Can’t help but respect it.

1:37: They are doing a timeline of Rory’s injury and listening to the announcers discuss social media is like watching my dad search Yahoo for “Google” so he can search what he’s really looking for.

1:35: Spieth’s par putt goes right down the gut as ZJ taps in immediately behind him for another par. No blood.

1:34: ZJ’s birdie goes past the hole. Dorks everywhere yell, “Rats!” immediately after.

1:32: Dan Regester with all the chill right now.

1:28: Jordan with a Will deFries lie on the first hole. Puts it off the green. Don’t worry, Jordan! We believe in you!

1:26: On-air interview with Dustin Johnson right now. The more this guy talks, the more he sounds like an absolute dumbass. I don’t have an issue with him being a dumb person, but I do just want to put it out there that he comes off as being the type of dude that smoked too much weed when he was on the high school golf team.

1:24: Text I just got from a friend: “Too bad for DJ they don’t hand out trophies for 1st round leads.” This was soon followed by New York Times best selling author W R Bolen saying, “Good effort, Tiger. Just retire already.”

1:23: Spieth’s drive left on #1. ZJ the only player to keep it on the fairway.

1:21: Just got a video of DJ’s post-round interview. #JustChillin

1:20: Now on the tee, our marquee group: Rory, Spieth, and some dude wearing Oakley sunglasses that I guess won the British Open or something?

1:18: TFM’s own Dan Regester officially in the conference room wearing a Rowdy Gentleman Bad Advice Hawaiian with no more than three buttons done. Chillest dude in the office today. Also had sunglasses on for the first 15 minutes of work today.

1:17: Rory wearing some aggressive red pants and stretching out his ankle right now. Feels like a mind game to make everyone think he’s still injured. Gotta respect the gamesmanship.

1:15: They just showed Phil. He and I are wearing the same golf shirt today and my body is looking scarily like his.

1:13: Officially putting the updates atop the page per the request of one commenter.

12:38: Some early observations: DJ is playing lights out and it will, yet again, be tough to watch him crumble this weekend. Spieth is all in on #WhitePantsSeason today, and they are tight. Tiger still sucks. And that picturesque lake you see? That’s Lake Michigan, the most beautiful body of water in the world.

12:44: I forgot my wallet today and I refuse to pay $18 for Postmates Chipotle, so if I come off as super edgy today, it’s because I’m hangry. Your boy just took down a bowl of Frosted Mini Wheats from the break room. Tossed some banana up on ’em for good measure.

12:45My early leader is Harris English because he’s absolutely crushing a fireflames rope hat. Photo via #Chad.

1:04: Tiger only 9 strokes back. Gotta think he sets a course record tomorrow (which will be set by both Rory and Spieth today) to get back in the hunt.

1:11: “Sup, haters?” — Roger Dorn entering the conference room with his laptop and mouse.

1:12: Updates will officially appear at the top of the page. #TeamContent

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Will deFries (Twitter / Instagram) is a Senior Writer at Grandex and the world's foremost authority on Sunday Scaries (Twitter / Instagram). Email me at

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