Life Lessons With Movie Star Tom Berenger


Mike Burns sits down with actor and life guru Movie Star Tom Berenger for reflections on the Hollywood macho man’s legendary roles.

Movie Star Tom Berenger was just flippin’ through some of my old Penthouse magazines, and a blonde bombshell from the August 1987 issue really got my groin rumblin’. It reminded me of the time I was doing a job as Frank Ridgeway in 1983’s “Eddie and the Cruisers.”  Frank Ridgeway is a cool sounding name.

First off, Movie Star Tom Berenger wanted to say what a pleasure it was to work with Joey Pantoliano in the flick. Pants is a professional actor, and always had a similar work ethic to Movie Star Tom Berenger. But, as the saying that I made up goes, “Work hard, play harder.”

Movie Star Tom Berenger was in a relationship then with some nobody broad, and you have no idea how difficult it was to keep my man-marbles in check with my stone cold fox co-star Ellen Barkin on set everyday.


Needless to say, Movie Star Tom Berenger kicked whatshername to the gutter where she belonged, and after we wrapped the job, Pants came over to celebrate with a nice sized amount of Colombian cowboy dust.

Well, after ridin’ a few rails, I started to get some lust pixies dancin’ in my Hanes, so I gave Barkin a ring to see if she wanted join the fiesta. Pants was out back fiddlin’ around with my .38, lightin’ up some empty cans of Old Milwaukee.

Barkin showed up in a flash. Seems she just got in a squabble with her old man and was lookin’ to let loose. Ellen knocked back a few shots of mescal, popped a cold one, and started to rip snowflakes like a tiny Santa Claus. I don’t really know what that means, but stay with me here.


I suggested we get wet from the waist down in my Jacuzzi, and Barkin didn’t think twice about droppin’ down to her skivvies, grabbing the bottle of Mexican sin, and heading direct. Watching her hams switch back in forth in front of me got Movie Star Tom Berenger’s joint rockin’ and rollin’, so I made no mistake about lettin’ her know. Barkin played it cool with a hair flip and we got in the bubbles.

After a couple pulls of the worm juice, EB straddled Movie Star Tom Berenger’s 4.5 inches of erect penis, slipped aside her knickers, and it was Balldeep City. It didn’t take long for Pants to notice the commotion, and I gave him the high sign. We arrested her Chinese-style for about 20 minutes ‘til Joey lost his soldier, due to an intestinal issue, and had to go blow up the john. I finished up the game as a one-man operation, and Barkin said she was grateful. Barkin stayed over for about three days and we must’ve balled for at least 60 of those 72 hours. Eventually she made nice with her fella and split, which was fine by me. Movie Star Tom Berenger needed a nice roast beef sandwich and some shut eye.

“Eddie and the Cruisers.” Always did like that picture. Hope you learned some crap.

I’m Movie Star Tom Berenger.

NOTE: None of this was written by or happened to Tom Berenger.

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Mike Burns

Mike Burns is a comedian, author, and writer of television. He was born in Saginaw, MI and lives in Los Angeles, via Chicago via New York. Mike graduated from Michigan State University with a degree in Advertising that he threw in the trash. He's also the creator of @DadBoner and the author of "Power Moves: Livin’ The American Dream, USA Style by Karl Welzein."

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