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All my single ladies, put your hands up!
It’s Halloween, that magical holiday when you think it’s okay to dress as a slut because the rest of America is doing it. Are you excited? Looking forward to finding the guy who is the pumpkin spice to your latte?
I for one can’t wait to see Slutty Witch and her friends Slutty Nurse and Slutty Cop strutting their stuff on the streets, because I know that if the witch lands me with some curse, the nurse will find a cure and the cop, in the spirit of the Halloween season, will let me off easy.
But, women of America, what if we are doing this all wrong? What if Halloween is about more than looking like a hooker? What happened to the days of dressing up as pumpkins and our favorite Disney characters, or Harry Potter (maybe I was the only girl in middle school who dressed as Harry Potter)? I miss the time of innocent trick-or-treating, when it was all about the candy and not about my goodies, my goodies, my goodies… NOT MY GOODIES!
Research has shown that instances of HSS (Halloween Slut Syndrome) have become increasingly common in the past decade. Global warming has led to warmer Halloweens, resulting in more women who find they are too hot and bothered to put on more layers.
“It’s about survival of the fittest,” said John Smith, who chaired a 2014 study on HSS. “Women are realizing that the only way to withstand the rising global temperatures is to wear as few layers as possible. What you might think is a Slutty Barbie costume is actually an example of a woman who is taking charge of her own life and saying, ‘I refuse to let global warming define me.’”
Smith also added that, if he met Slutty Barbie and they hit it off, he would “totally tap that.”
While I am concerned for the fate of our great planet, I am also worried about the death of creativity that these skimpy costumes signify. Are we hiking up our skirts and pulling down our tops because we have no other way to attract attention? What happened to valuing beauty on the inside (or at least pretending to value it while we talk shit about other girls behind their backs)?
The only way we’re going to cure HSS is by teaming up as a society and thinking about other Halloween costume ideas. I propose that we look at the biggest news stories and newsmakers of the year as we search for costume inspiration. Here are some ideas.
1) Tom Brady’s Balls
Tom Brady’s deflated balls were a hot topic in the news this year. This is a great costume for several reasons. It shows you are up on current events and understand sports, and it’s a perfect conversation starter. Nothing attracts more pity from a guy than a pair of deflated balls. To make this costume, simply take two old, deflated footballs and connect them with a string. Hang the string around your neck, and presto! You’ll be shooting an Uggs ad before you know it.
2) Hillary Clinton’s Private Email
If the media talked as much about world hunger as they did about Hillary Clinton’s private email, no one in the world would go to bed hungry. This costume is for all those girls out there who have experienced the nail-biting horror of watching a close-kept secret go public and unravel. Channel your angst by printing out some of your favorite Hillary emails, taping them over your body, and waiting for all the boys to ping you. You’ll be like that “High alert” email from a coworker on a Sunday night, impossible to ignore and a little bit nauseating.
3) Pope Francis’s U.S. Domination
Kissing babies and taking names. Pope Francis doesn’t mess around on his international trips. And, with this costume, you shouldn’t either. So, prepare to spend a little extra time making it just right. Find that old Barbie jeep you had when you were a kid. You threw it out? Go get it from the dump. You never had one? Steal one from some kid on the street. This piece of your costume is critical. On Halloween, you’re going to hire a kid to drive that jeep around as you stand in the back and wave, à la Pope Francis in his white jeep during his American tour. Trust me. You’ll look like one holy roller.
4) Donald Trump’s Hair
Is it real? Or is it hand-delivered to his door each morning, fresh from the tail of a My Little Pony? It’s hard to say, and that’s why this costume is for all the mean girls out there who are a little bit fake and not ashamed of it. Grab a blonde wig and plop it into the center of your head. Comb it over once, if desired. This one is going to be HUGE.
5) Caitlyn Jenner’s Stylist
Caitlyn Jenner probably has many stylists, but, the point is, her team has had a very good year. Their client has graced the covers of top-tier magazines and encouraged people to open up about their sexuality. And, as one of the people responsible for making Caitlyn look good, you deserve a break. So slip on your sleep mask, step into your slippers and pull on your fluffy pink robe. Caitlyn’s given you the night off, and Halloween is a chance for you to relax as your unpaid intern pours you mixed drinks and throws hundred dollar bills at the kids who come knocking on your door looking for candy.
6) Kim Davis’s Biggest Fan
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you, unless you’re Kentucky clerk Kim Davis. To be the ultimate Kim Davis super fan, put on a wig, preferably one you find in a dumpster that’s gone unbrushed since it was removed from the head of its dead owner last week. Stick it on your head, add some Walmart reading glasses and a grab a Bible. Read from the Bible during your trick-or-treating, but only read the passages that prove your point, because that’s what Kim’s religion is all about.
7) Vladimir Putin’s Abs
Vlad, my man, what are you hiding under that three-piece suit? Abs of steel, exercised during your daily shirtless rides on a bear, or Russian warplanes used to launch your airstrikes in Syria? The U.S. will never know, but we do know that your body is full of secrets! To pull off this look, grab a three-piece suit, and stick a model rocket under your shirt. Pull it out and throw it at people when they least expect it. If you can find a bear, extra points for riding that around your neighborhood.
8) Ben Affleck’s Biggest Role— As a Nanny in Mrs. Doubtfire 2
We hear Ben Affleck knows the inner workings of nannies, so it comes as no surprise that he’s been cast as the lead in Mrs. Doubtfire 2. In this sequel to the Robin Williams classic, Affleck plays Williams’ character, Daniel Hillard. He realizes that life as a male heterosexual father isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, so, inspired by Caitlyn Jenner, he decides to transition into a woman, the right way! No more fake wigs or boobs. This Mrs. Doubtfire is taking some serious hormones, and she couldn’t be happier! To channel Ben’s role, which is already getting Oscar buzz, dress as an old nanny with a wig and glasses, but add a Batman mask. It’s the perfect blend of masculine and feminine, with the mask hinting at a few dark secrets.
9) Roger Goodell’s Self-Esteem
You’ve taken a lot of blows this year—it’s been quite the elevator ride. But self-esteem is such an intangible quality. How do we demonstrate this visually? Keep it simple. Buy a wife beater and stamp an NFL logo on it. Roger that.
10) John Boehner’s Latest Career Move
This year has been an emotional rollercoaster for John. He laughed, he cried, and he cried some more. After his meeting with Pope Francis, John Boehner announced that he would resign from Congress. So what’s his next career move? Will he continue to climb the political ladder? I think not. He’s got a cross to bear…as the most famous altar boy in America, that is! John has found religion again, and he’s getting back to his Catholic roots by serving as an altar boy. To dress like John Boehner, altar boy, grab a white robe and a cross. Apply eye drops to mimic tears. Rewet your eyes several times throughout the night. Peace be with you.
I hope this list inspires the ladies out there to take an innovative approach to Halloween. As women, we are often too focused on our outward appearance, when it really is what’s on the inside that counts.
Wait, scratch that.
On Halloween, the outside does count. Keep your clothes on and remember that children are watching..
Image via YouTube