My Monday began in a slump this week. I gained 12 pounds of pure fat over the weekend and the post-holiday blues have been hitting me pretty hard. I needed something to snap me out of my funk, and thankfully, this guy delivered. I don’t get too much traffic on my PGP email, but when I do, it’s usually people telling me they like my writing, or for some unknown reason, asking me for advice. This guy on the other hand, had a much loftier motive. Let’s break it down.
Subject Line: Entry into the PGP
Not gonna lie, he could have started off stronger. I have no idea what this means. Is he having technical difficulties viewing the website? Does he think this is a secret underground club and he needs a special password to gain access to our ranks? I can’t be sure.
Here’s the deal.
I cannot help but read your articles and think to myself… man this guy kinda sounds like somewhat of a dbag.
Love it. That’s the kind of opening paragraph that catches people’s attention. If you call me by my last name, especially without knowing me, I know you’re here to talk business, and I’m listening. And following that up with calling me a “dbag”? That’s how the big dogs close deals. I need to know what this guy wants like I need air to breathe. If he’s selling something, my checkbook is already out.
So here’s what I have for you… what does it take to gain entry onto the mediocre, but humorous, website that is PGP. Daddy has a story to tell, and needs an audience to hear it.
Anyone bold enough to refer to themselves in third person as “Daddy” and then insult the company that he wishes to work for is someone who can get anything they want in life. Unfortunately, as much as I want to give this guy a corner office, all I can do is answer his question with more questions of my own, such as, “What made you think I had any power over the hiring practices of Grandex?” If you’ve read literally any of my articles, it’s clear that I can’t even manage my own life, let alone be in charge of hiring. How did you end up on my writer’s profile page, but missed the giant “submit” button where you could try and get your story published? I guess, in summation, all my questions boil down to “why me?”
Here are my qualifications
Began college with an estimated graduation time of 3.5 years. Made it out in 5.
Great demonstration of forward thinking and seeing things through. He reminds me of a younger (older?) me.
Am repeatedly asked what frat I was in. Never was in a frat.
Was once offered a bid to a frat 2 months have the initial rush/ pledge process ended on account of my personal character.
Everyone knows the more you talk about not being in a fraternity, the cooler you are. Bid.
Rarely sober drove for the group…or ever actually (or currently even)
Accrued a 1000$ total uber expense for the school year of 2015. I lived a block away from campus and 1 english mile from the bar scene.
It was chill tho because I had a 30k salary at the time to work 1 day a week on my victory lap.
Whew. At first, I thought he was bragging about drunk driving, but I knew that couldn’t be true on account of his personal character. I’ve got to admit, those are some impressive numbers, although I have no idea what an “English mile” is. I also have to assume any job that pays $30k to work 52 days a year is innuendo for “drug dealer,” and I think you’ll fit in with the company just fine. Despite having zero knowledge of his personal life, I’m pretty sure deFries is the Xanax kingpin of the Southwest.
I’ve had at least 2x the amount of break ups as I have had girl friends. Think about it.
I have thought about it, and I have no idea what he’s saying. Does he go around breaking up with random girls just for fun? When he breaks up with a girlfriend, is the intensity of said breakup so damaging that random other couples combust around him? Either way, he’s a psycho, and I respect that.
If sexual assault was a two way street, I could have filed multiple charges by now. But I am not like that. One love.
I’m not going to touch this one. Maybe he should consider talking to someone about this.
Public scene doesn’t quite encapsulate some iffy girl situations I have found myself in.
As someone who’s had an ex-girlfriend get arrested for trying to fight me at a tailgate, I can relate to this big time. Crazy girls are the best girls. Keep doing you.
Depending on who you speak to… I am either called successful, a Dbag, or “he makes too much money for his own good”.
Point of fact but often I have heard “he can be kind of a douche but it’s still kinda hot”
I have never wanted to hang out with someone more than I do this guy. You know someone who calls himself a hot douchebag and brags about how much money he makes is fun to be around.
Once found myself at a club having bottle service with Johnny Manziel.
Wait, is this the story “Daddy” has to tell? Because if so, I can safely say we all want to hear it. If “Daddy” is reading this, hit that submit button, fam. Or, at the very least, email me the story so I can read it.
I’m not sure what you guys are looking for, but I know I have what it takes. Not trying to steal your thunder, only to enhance the storm.
BRB, going to change all my email signatures to sign off with this line. He better put in his two weeks notice at his current position, because he’s fucking hired.*
*Once again, I am a freelance writer and have absolutely no power over hiring, submissions, or anything to do with this site. If you’re emailing me for a job, you need to take a long look at where you’re life went wrong. .
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