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Check out this ridiculous Yelp review of the Houston bar Concrete Cowboy.
I’m fascinated by the bottle service scene. I admit it. That’s not to say that I’m into it, but I like to imagine the thought process of a dude that’s all-in on bottle service every weekend. That insatiable desire to put off the important vibe is hilarious to me. In Austin, Texas, one bar sits atop the totem pole of all things bottle service: Rio. When Manziel rolls through town, he’s at Rio. When you’re enjoying a coldie on Little Woodrow’s patio and notice a group of scantily clad dames in heels strolling and overusing the word squad, they’re going to Rio. Have I been? Yes, I have. You can dabble in that scene on rare occasion (your loaded buddy is in town and wants to stunt) without compromising your dignity.
As I’ve stated before, Yelp is a hidden gem. That’s why I’ve taken it upon myself to review bars and nightclubs that are traditionally some of the chach-baggiest places you can find yourself drinking 12-dollar vodka waters. So let’s consider the merits of Rio Nightclub in Austin.
From Lauren W.
This place is like Vegas took a small dump on a venue. Upon leaving I felt as though a small part of me had died.
After you scan Rio’s Yelp, you’ll notice that feeling sub-human is a reoccurring theme, and I get it. There’s a reason you can’t hit up a place like this every weekend, and if you do you’re already dead inside.
From Jessica M.
Do you ever go somewhere even though you know it’s going to be bad but can’t stop yourself? Like some other mysterious force just somehow pulls you in?
That’s what happened to us when we went to Rio.
Do you enjoy spending daddy’s money?
Jager bombs? Heineken?
Have you been called a “douche” more than once in your life?
Is the most important thing in your life how you look to other people?
Rio is the place for you.Unfortunately for Rio, I am a laid back Austinite at heart, I like live music and intelligent conversation. Reasonably priced drinks and a chill crowd. If I wanted to live in LA or Vegas or something, well, I’d move there.
If you’re smart enough to use Yelp, you’re probably smart enough not to enjoy or visit this bar.
Folks, that’s what we call a scathing review from Jessica M. An Austinite at heart looking for “intelligent conversation”? I kinda feel like “Jessica M.” might be Olivia from Ben’s season of The Bachelor. Some of y’all know what I’m talking about.
A few other issues: every dude has been called a douche more than once in his life, and if he hasn’t, he’s not living right. And this type of elitist Austin attitude is just off-putting. Is Rio a punchline in many circles? Sure, but it’s a necessary punchline. I order fajitas on a weekly basis, which as we all know is the the Tex-Mex equivalent of bottle service. Does that make me a bad person, or am I just a guy that wants to live the good life every now and then?
From Haley R.
Laziest staff in the world. I have worked in the service industry and never experienced a more lazy staff. Took me 45 minutes to get my order filled. No one is even here, this pool WacK. Cellulite ass everywhere. BEWARE!
This is the type of review that keeps bar managers up at night. Lazy staff? Fine, they can deal with that. But cellulite ass, and it’s everywhere? Take it back, you sick son of a bitch.
From Katie K.
We came here on Friday night. The venue has a lot of potential: it reminded me of W hotel in LA, especially the little pool. The music was good, the crowd is ok, little douchey, but enough room to dance, especially on the second floor which was literally empty. They are “dress to impress” style, very Vegasy. Though the fish tank on the second floor should be removed. It’s an animal abuse. Think of that loud noise that fish has to deal with. Just fill it up with skulls.
You haven’t made it until you’re a bar being criticized for animal abuse. That’s how you know it’s poppin’ off. But I need to know why the alternative to actual fish is skulls. It’s a nightclub for 30k millionaires, not Vigo the Carpathian’s throne in Ghostbuster 2.
From Larina L.
Am I the only person whose had an amazing experience at Rio?! Seriously, I came here to Sunday Funday and had a blast.
Now keep in mind, I was looking to party. Yes it’s true that they let the girls in before they’ll let guys in and they usually charge the guys a $10 cover. It’s not really an Austin scene that the bar across the street offers you. It’s defiantly upscale. I mean their well liquor is Tito’s.
They have a pool in the middle of the floor and usually girls are running around in bikinis. It’s like an episode of Entourage on the roof. I bought bottle service (yes I was that person) and everyone is so nice. It was a blast. The views from the roof are awesome and honestly security is on their game. They remove anyone who is getting too sloppy or rowdy really quickly.
Yes it’s very different than the other bars in Austin but I really think it’s exactly what this town needs. Sometimes I want to go to a bar where people shave and wear deodorant, sometimes I want to feel like I’m on an episode of Entourage. This place will do it for you.
Larina was liiiiiit. Hey, if you’re looking to get away from the peasants stumbling around dirty 6th, Rio is your destination. Oh, and if you occasionally want to feel like you’re in one of the worst HBO original shows ever produced, you can walk around pretending to be some spare that lucked into his successful buddy’s crew at Rio. At least she didn’t say Ballers.
From Jason T.
Terrible, I was seriously approached by 3 different people trying to sell me narcotics. Either it’s a gigantic sting operation, or the drug capital of Austin. Also, I’m pretty sure that this is a closeted gay cruising spot, due to the tremendous amount of hand jobs I witnessed going on in the men’s restroom.
Come on, Jason. If you can’t take the heat, then kindly remove yourself from the kitchen. It’s 2016, and love won. Hand jobs and narcotics, baby! That’s what Austin, Texas does..
[via Yelp]
Respond
Dave
Lawyer. Writer. Dude doing business. I'm the meatloaf guy from tv.
@dcarterruff
@dcruff
dcarterruff
david@grandex.co
Last time I went there, I was trying to go to the bathroom but couldn’t because every stall was filled with people clearly doing blow. I felt old and left.
Why would you even go there a first time, Chill?
I crave the club when the streets are poppin’.
Based on the descriptions of the place you probably would have been okay going with the sink piss.
Can we get confirmation on the hj’s?
Why couldn’t you just use a urinal? IBS issues? That’s pretty embarrassing at a place as a cool as Rio. PGP?
Which Grandex employees would you bet visit Rio most based on these descriptions? Regester an Duda?
Duda goes to Rio, but only ironically
Probably have a strict “No Birkenstocks” policy though.
Never been, but definitely checking it out this weekend so I can cop an Instagram pic.
In.
Love it. Do it for the content.
Fuck you, Dave. Entourage was pure television gold
Says the ape-like simpleton.
Dave, what’s the over/under on number of people that get roofied at Rio and wake up at the W residences?