Log In / SignupNow, I am the first to admit that I love my birthday and everything that has to do with my birthday. I start a countdown right after my half birthday every year. Yes, half birthday. I am a psychopath. But, at least I am not the adult woman who goes out wearing a crown and sash to celebrate.
Let me just start off by saying that for bachelorette parties – this is acceptable. It’s a right of passage. You wear a crown and a sash of some sort covered in condoms and penises and it’s hilarious and wonderful. I, personally, only want to get married so that I can have a bachelorette party. So they get a pass here.
What doesn’t get a pass, is turning any age other than 21 and thinking that it’s acceptable for you to throw on a bedazzled crown and hot pink satin sash and hit the town with your #squad. You are a grown-ass woman. Stop it. You are better than that. What is the end goal here? Free drinks? Attention? People singing you “Happy Birthday”? I just don’t get it.
If you just want free drinks, showing up to a trashy bar with a pack of hot girls in dresses will get that job done. If you just want attention, throw on your best skank dress and show off the girls with a new pushup bra. If you just want people to sing you happy birthday, go back to the 3rd grade, rent a bouncy castle, and fuck right off, you lunatic.
Usually, the grown up birthday sash girl is going to also be a “woo” girl. She is going to WOOO and throw her hands up in the air every time someone mentions alcohol or shots or the new Justin Bieber song. You want a shot? WOOO!!!! You want another vodka water? WOOO!! Do you want to get ran over by pedicab later? WOOO!!! Stop screaming. Take the shots. Celebrate your birthday and let us normal alcoholics get on with our night without you shrieking into our ears.
Now, as a somewhat normal human girl that has never done this, does it actually work? Does the sash get you a line of men waiting for their chance to buy you a drink? I don’t think so. I can bet that men see this girl as a high maintenance freak who will act like a drunk, sloppy bitch just because it’s “her day” and she can. Gross. Just act like a drunk sloppy bitch because it’s just who you are as a person, just like I do. .
For more of Kayla’s takes on birthdays, listen to Episode 9 of Touching Base where we discuss how girls take their birthdays way too seriously.
Image via YouTube
Not that I’m against high maintenance women, but can you really call someone a “high maintenance freak” when you start a birthday countdown 6 months in advance and demand a happy birthday text from all your coworkers/friends?
He must have the millenial babysitter job.
High maintenance link for your company’s IT department.
Who do you know here?
When I see this at the bar I like to buy the basic birthday girl a drink and slowly lean in and softly say “cheers to 1 year closer to death!” Then she starts to realize that the crown and sash don’t really do much in terms of celebratory flare/justice and she slowly becomes vulnerable as those words sink in deep into her soul. And then I lighten the mood by laughing and saying “death is the only thing in life you can plan” as I’m walking away. That’s a birthday they’ll never forget.
This is reason number one to not wear the sash and crown: to avoid creeps.
Great execution BTW.
A creep would try to sleep with the girl, I just fade out like a god damn phantom and go get drunk with my friends as they birthday group tries to put together the pieces of a shattered reality as some awful country song plays in the background to fit the scene perfectly.
That was spectacularly vivid.
I’m not a basic bitch expert like deFries, but I’ve always assumed that girls do this so that they can take Instagram pics and get lots of likes and “omg love love love” comments.
It’s science.
It’s true. My ears hurt in anticipation just seeing a crown and a sash walk into a bar.
People care as much about your birthday as much as you do about theirs: None.
I agree with only 21 year olds being able to wear tiaras, but can they stop with the gigantic signs around their necks? They look like Union protestors or something.
I avoid a girl with the tiara/sash combo like she has the god damn plague.
https://media.giphy.com/media/ZB1PEaUkHwXg4/giphy.gif
For that day, he knew he had to try. He had the perfect gif relating to the story. He knew it would give someone else at least a dry chuckle to brighten their cube life somewhere. For too long he sat silent while others posted funny gifs and pictures in the comment section. “Not today.” he said to himself as he searched “Ric Flair Woo Gif” in Google. He pulled up giphy, copied the link, and pasted it in the comment box. Sweat beaded on his brow. He’d seen others try and fail. He knew the flood of “Meh” that would come his way if he pasted just a link in the comments. He knew nothing of coding or HTML, but he always figured himself pretty tech savvy. “It’ll auto preview, right? It has to.” His mouse hovered over the “post” button… “Is it really worth it?” He wondered. There’s no “Nice Works” for the cowardly and silent. He clicked. The deed was done. There was no going back. No editing comments. The page refreshed. He scrolled, finger flying on the cheap corded HP mouse his company provided to the comments section. And there it was. In his abject horror he saw a red link staring back at him. No Ric Flair. No Woo. A red link. His heart sank. “well, at least I tried.” He closed the browser window. Too upset to even read yesterday’s TGDAG. The thought of doing work was too much at this point (to be honest, it always was too much, but now especially). He stared out the window. He looked back at the AutoCAD drawing on his screen and sighed deeply. “More coffee I guess” he thought as he tried to shake what he had just done from his mind. Someday he would figure out gifs and pictures in PGP’s comments section… someday.
I was about to suggest that you contribute content cause goddamn, that was beautiful… until I saw the word “AutoCAD” and immediately felt your pain. HMU if you’re ever in the land of horses. I’ll buy you a beer.
preach
Wear the dollar store “Birthday Girl” pin after your 21st. Gets you a little attention and free shots without having to be a Woo girl.