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I wore pencil skirts for a long goddamn time. I wore them to my internships on the hill, I wore them to a multitude of interviews as a post-grad, and for the first six months of my big girl corporate job, I dutifully wore pencil skirts day in and day out. Frankly, I thought it was just par for the course in corporate America, a pill I would have to swallow along with networking events and buzz words.
As a 21-year-old post-grad, I thought the pencil skirt was the only way I could fit into my business professional surroundings. I was young, naive, and easily malleable. J.Crew told me the pencil skirt was suitable for any meeting or new hire luncheon on my calendar, so J.Crew I believed.
Was the pencil skirt “me”? Hell no. In my personal life, I have been known to wear exclusively contrasting patterns, lace undergarments, and men’s jackets. That being said, I wouldn’t say corporate America is “me” either. The pencil skirt was just a uniform for the version of Victoria that paid the bills. I figured — like working out or using Bumble — that if I just tried hard enough, I could will myself into liking the damned thing.
“It’s like a tube top for your legs!” I told my girlfriends who worked in tech jobs with a more lenient dress code than mine. “Remember when we used to play mummy as kids and wrap ourselves in toilet paper? It’s the exact same feeling! So fun, right?!” I’d brag.
In the early morning hours after my alarm went off, I’d whisper “They’re really not that bad” as I slid into my own personal beige colored hell. In retrospect, who was I goddamn kidding?
If you’ve never worn a pencil skirt, excuse the spoiler: they are indeed that bad.
Imagine trying to give a presentation whilst ones bottom half is wrapped in a thin strip of fabric so constricting one must waddle to and fro like a Geisha, or a penguin.
There was nothing more sobering for 21-year-old Victoria than facing a future of business meetings dressed in a garb which likened me to a chicken apple sausage in a polyester casing.
Oh, and I mustn’t forget the most elegant part of the pencil skirt, a bonus addition if you will: the pencil skirt shimmy. You know the one. When a woman is walking down the hallway to the printer, or down the street to a meeting, and her skirt starts to hike up — slowly at first then all of the sudden very quickly until she is dangerously close to a butt-in-public predicament. As the pencil skirt rises, the businesswoman must take pause, squeeze her knees together in an ever-so-ladylike fashion, and shimmy the skirt back down to its appropriate length.
Sometimes, if I was lucky, the pencil skirt would shift 180 degrees so the back was in the front and I had to rotate the entire article of clothing in between trips to the water cooler and back. Truly a fantastic past time.
For the first six months of my business professional career, I was full-blown Stockholm syndrome in love with pencil skirts – obsessed with the preppy knee-length captor of my pale, sun-deprived legs.
That is until I had an epiphany far greater than any epiphany I’ve ever had before. One day, as I was watching Law and Order: SVU, I found myself practically salivating at the lady detectives on the show. Sure, their figures are divine, but what really got me all hot and bothered weren’t their bodies, but the suits that adorned them.
The pantsuits they flaunted ignited a spiritual awakening so life-changing that, in a single moment of sheer bliss and rebellion, I swore I would never let another pencil skirt touch my body again. I was reborn! If these fictional Law and Order women could catch literal rapists whilst wearing pantsuits, then I too could find the courage to strut down the halls in a two-piece ensemble I originally thought were exclusively reserved for lawyers on T.V.
Pantsuits were just the beginning, however. Upon harnessing my own agency in the field of alternative female office wear, I have since been cultivating my work clothes with jovial bliss. Every woman has her particular office style, and in realizing that mine didn’t have to fall into the “traditional” associate-level aesthetic, I have been toeing the line ever since.
Below I have listed four not very constructive office garb suggestions that may help to awaken your inner spiritual gangster far better than any pencil skirt ever could. They sure did for me.
BUSINESS PROFESSIONAL WORK SHORTS, EVER HEARD OF EM?
This one may seem a little bit out of the box, but trust a sister. I’m not talking about cut off jean shorts that you wore one too many summers at the shore. No, I’m talking about the sophisticated work shorts you can couple with a crisp white button up. They’re generally high waisted, go down to the mid-thigh region, and are made of some pleated and or tweed material. Wear them in the winter with tights and boots or in the summer sans tights with flats. You’ll thank me, you youthful business person you.
HACK YOUR PANT SUIT, BABY
I know I just spoke about pantsuits, but give me a moment to elaborate. Not only do I feel comfortable enough to try out for the US Women’s Olympic squad in my stretchy slacks, but I have begun to collect the flyest of blazers every chance I get. Oh, this tweed double-breasted hella warm blazer? Yeah, got it from a thrift store. What’s that? You love this fitted tuxedo blazer I purchased half off from Zara? So did my date when I wore it straight from the office.
My pantsuits are not your mother’s pantsuits. Hell, they’re not even Hillary Clinton’s pantsuits. They’re mix-matched, Charlie’s Angels meets Dr. Who pantsuits that make me so confident I sometimes go straight to my boss’s desk in the morning and sit in his chair instead of my own.
(In all seriousness, I suggest purchasing three to four slightly stretchy black, gray, and or blue slacks ASAP. Pair them with any variety of dope blazer you may find at either the local flea market or Nordstrom Rack and sit back as you become the physical manifestation of success.)
GOODBYE KITTEN HEELS, HELLO MURDERER-CHASING BOOTS
Show me a woman that wears stilettos to the office and I’ll show you a woman with a severe bunion problem and a lot of internalized resentment for sidewalk grates. Okay, maybe that’s not entirely fair, but who on God’s green earth is still wearing stilettos to the office? It’s all about a thick-heeled boot my friends. Have you ever strutted down the cubicle aisle in heeled black boots? Try it tomorrow then call me when you get promoted.
TURTLENECKS ARE MY RELIGION
I am sexually awakened by the turtleneck. I know that some people feel as if they are being asphyxiated by overpriced cotton, but honestly, that seems like a “them” problem. The turtleneck screams confidence. It’s the only article of clothing that literally looks like it is birthing your head from the confines of your t-shirt. It gives an onlooker no option but to pay full attention to your glorious face. Boobs? What boobs? Couple that turtleneck with some pleated capris and ankle boots, DM me a mirror selfie, and wait for the war, embrace of my mental hug – cause baby, you made it.
So that’s it, folks, that’s where I’m at. I’ve donated every single pencil skirt I own and I’m proud of it. I’m never going back. I’m a rebel with a cause and I’m coming for all the bullshit office wear out there.
Oh, and while we’re at it, I’m also out on cardigans. .
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CallMeVictoria
Life is messy, let's get dirty. itwasvictoria@gmail.com
@callmevictoria
@itwasvictoria
Wear whatever you want as long as it doesn’t look like Duda’s closet. Sorry, Johnathan.
I don’t know if I’m allowed to say this but pencil skirts are f’n sexy…
Big fan…
Which is why I don’t wear them. Too form fitting and dudes can’t handle it. Hips don’t lie
Name does not check out.
Sex sells though
Slippery slope of unnecessary attention that isn’t putting money in my pockets
Spin zone: could get them fired for it and move up the corporate ladder at lightning speed. I dunno, just spitballing.
Meghan Markle can really pull off the pencil skirt
excuse me her royal highness whatever can really pull off the pencil skirt
Rewatching Suits…can confirm.
I can’t tell if ‘business professional work shorts’ is supposed to be a joke, but those definitely aren’t a thing.
If I showed up to court in “business professional work shorts” I’d be held in contempt. Skirt suits all day, especially in the 90 degree 100% humidity South.
I’m still 100% team pencil skirt. I wear one to work every day. Slacks make me feel like a butch lady cop on some cheesy show like NCIS. Blouse + tailored pencil skirt + pair of pumps = bad bitch uniform.
Sup.
I liberated myself from the notion of pencil skirts the moment I decided to become a nurse. Now I basically wear pajamas to work and somehow people still think it’s hot.
Can confirm, scrubs do something for me. Just the thought of nurses everywhere pulling those professional pajamas out of a vending machine makes my forehead sweat.
I feel like You have really bad style idk man
I’m a dress, blazer, knee high boots kind of girl. Fashionable and extremely comfortable.
All in on girls in pants suits/slacks and sports. Great look. Also turtlenecks. But hard nah on the professional shorts. If I have to suffer through slacks in southern summers you should too. I’d love if we could make shorts acceptable though, little business thigh would go a long way for office morale.
Y’all get pockets in mother fucking everything and not having to wear bras with underwire digging into your body like a sharp sword. Or thongs. You can at bare minimum give us shorts.
If you’ve made it thru college and still can’t figure out what undies you like, the issue isn’t the undies. I’m not here to hold your hand through the mall, figure your shit out. No shorts.
This is probably too petty of a hill to die on but here I am. I made a hard switch to boy shorts as soon as high school ended because I walked around my dorm without pants and this seemed more acceptable. Haven’t looked back. Since then if a thong was required I just went commando, but I stand by my point; girls have a whole lotta nonsense to deal with, we get shorts. Just give us this.
So what kind of events “require” a thong, and how do I rsvp? Also, guys have a ton of nonsense to deal with too, we deal with girls. Let’s just both take shorts and call it a day.