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It is my genuine belief that just because something is good does not mean it is right. I think, like most things, accepting this notion as a self evident truth is much easier than actually living by it. So, while I am trying to remain steadfast in the life choices I have made with this idea in mind, it’s proving really goddamn hard. [Cue metaphorical and literal feet stomping].
Let me explain a little better.
I think we as humans are both naturally inclined, and conditioned by society, to hold on tight to a good thing. How many times have our mothers instructed sons to “not let her go” or have girlfriends advised one another to “lock him down.” Haven’t we all gone back to someone because they’re “good to me” or “It was easy.”
I am reminded daily by both my colleagues and family that I am lucky to be in my job, that “I’ve got a good thing going” at work, and that life in Los Angeles is so wonderful, what with all of our palm trees and green smoothies.
What I’m saying is I think when we have a good thing we are told to hold it close, to not let it slip away, to not fuck it up.
But lately, I’ve been wondering if that inclination is leading us to live risk-averse lives. I wonder if we have become conditioned to be overly cautious in our decisions, lest we bite off more than we can chew and lose something great.
Against my better judgment, I sometimes convince myself that happiness is finite. That it is this now or never thing, a once in a lifetime promo code, and if I let it slip through my fingers it will never appear again.
I have somehow tricked myself into thinking that the future, being as uncertain as it is, may not have an excess of happiness just lying around for me to snatch up, so I better not foolishly give up what I’ve got now. It is my mind telling me “I better hold onto a good thing.”
“Fuck,” I thought one morning a few months back. A sobering realization hit me straight in the face; I had become a risk-averse 22-year old! I became addicted to my own comfort, the easy kind of living that feels good, but didn’t leave me excited or stimulated. I was going through my new post-grad life unwilling to give up “happy” to pursue what felt “right,” all because I was holding onto this fabricated fear that I may never be happy again in the future if I gave up a good thing now.
While I ate my cereal, I accepted that I had become complacent in my growth, so I did an incredibly painful thing and ended my relationship.
I ended, completely out of the blue, a relationship in which I was happy. He was a fantastic partner, one that cared more deeply about me than I think I allowed myself to admit. He was kind, motivated, and my god, he was pretty to look at (plus, he was also like 5-stars on Yelp in the sex department). Overall, it was my best relationship, but it wasn’t the right relationship. I was in it because I was happy enough, all the while knowing he wasn’t right for me, which is the type of relationship you stay in when you’re afraid of not finding what you’re truly looking for. If I was going to live at all by my ‘good does not mean right’ assertion, then I had to end it.
I felt an extraordinary amount of anguish having to abruptly pull the cord, hurting him made me sick. I knew he was so caught off guard. Almost more difficult, however, was the unnerving feeling that I was insane for intentionally causing unnecessary anguish in my own life. Once again, and of my own accord, I was alone. I left his house with a ringing sense of “what have I done?!”
Self-inflicted loneliness, even if it is right, is a hard thing to grapple with.
So here I am. I’m single and certainly less happy than I was when I was all ‘make-out in public’ smitten with a stand-up guy, and I still continue to question if I made the right decision.
I wonder. When something is good, but it doesn’t feel right, when is it time to leave? Or, is there an argument for appreciating a good thing, a validity in letting it marinate as such instead of jumping the metaphorical gun and leaving in search of something more fitting.
I don’t know the answer, but I find myself confronted with this same question on a daily basis.
I am grateful for my job and for my life in Los Angeles but there is a voice inside my head that is screaming for me to do something different, to do anything different, to pack my things and move somewhere entirely new. Just as my gut was telling me to break up with my boyfriend, that same gut feeling is thirsty for a life change.
The catch, however, is just when I feel I am ready to leave my “good” life behind, that lingering sense of not appreciating what I have weakens my resolve. I feel a sense of shame in not being okay with simple happiness. I can’t help but question if I am just being impatient. I wonder if I leave too soon, will I find myself on the potentially endless pursuit of what feels “right” for me, even when what I have now could theoretically be enough.
I still feel on edge, slightly unhinged, in having left a great dude. However, in that grief, I also feel free. Now I wonder what to do next. Do I leave my good life and job in pursuit of something that feels right, or do I settle into a comfortable happiness that is a blessing in it of itself?
To be honest, I didn’t want to write this piece. I wanted to write “10 Ways To Discreetly Drink In The Office” and “WTF is Weightlifting; A Girl’s Guide To Pumping Iron” but tonight, I couldn’t do it.
I feel stuck in my writing, just as I feel stuck in my life, so the only thing to do was air my grievances on the page. Maybe once I hit submit I’ll know what to do? Or maybe, at the very least, I’ll be able to produce some content again.
I mean, “Why Butt Stuff Sucks” isn’t going to write itself. .
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CallMeVictoria
Life is messy, let's get dirty. itwasvictoria@gmail.com
@callmevictoria
@itwasvictoria
Okay, I’m going to drop the Act for a minute….this was an amazing fucking read. I can relate on many levels and to be honest we you are extremely self aware for a 22 year old in this day and age. This is the type of content this site needs, more retrospective thinking that’s universal. This made me want to drastically change my life.
Okay, now that, that’s out of the way I still have a reputation to uphold on here…listen, the future is very bleak at best. We’ve all been sold down the river a long time ago and now we’re starting to understand that there is no future at all for our generation. As Millennials we have to start killing important things like corrupt politicians, Wall Street, the Federal Reserve, and offices instead of killing movie theaters, cable companies, and shitty retailers. It time to take our future back by lighting literally everything we’ve ever known on fire….oh, and invest in water, gold, crypto, and solar energy because shit is about to get weird lol
I’ve been reading this site for 3ish years and I don’t recall ever seeing Nived drop the act, speaks to how good this was. By far one of the best and most relatable I’ve read in a while as well.
I feel like I just watched a good episode of Behind the Music on VH1 with you dropping to act for a minute theee
There*
This column just sent me into an existential crisis
I think there are certain personality types that will never be content with what they have, and will always long for more. That unspoken feeling that I will be happier if: I moved to a better city, found a better job, found a perfect 10 spouse, made more money etc. Well the truth is none of that exists. The same issues and monotony that existed in your previous city/job, will exist in the next stop. I am this way as well.
I think the trick is to truly appreciate what you have and be thankful for your life. We will never truly be 100% happy, and thats ok, we are not made to be this way. That dream city/job/spouse doesnt really exist, they all have faults.
So true, see my comment above. My room mate and I used to say, “You can only fix the outside stuff (job, location, relationship) so much, before you have to fix the inside (you).”
That is just an amazing way to put what I’ve been trying to tell people into words.
Well damn, I just wasted way more words to say the same basic thing.
We’ve all got what I like to call a life trap. A deep certainty that things will be different. That we’ll move to a new city and find the person of their dreams and meet the friends we’ll have for the rest our lives. That we will be fulfilled. Fucking fulfillment. Closure. Fuck those two empty jars that hold this shit storm. Nothing is ever fulfilled. Until the very end. Fucking closure. Nothing is ever over.
Damn, this felt like a therapy session. But it was really good.
And I’ve felt the same way for a long time now, although I don’t think I could’ve expressed it as well as you did. I’ve never been one to go out, takes risks, and get things; I usually have things fall in my lap, and since they’re good, I stick with them. I don’t necessarily want to, but I’d rather stick with a good thing than break routine. Maybe it’s my OCD, I don’t know. I just know the despite the good things I have, I’m not really happy, I’m just content. I’m content being single, so I don’t actively pursue girls despite the fact I think I’d enjoy being in a relationship. I’m content at my job, so I don’t feel like putting in the effort to find one that I really love. I’m content sitting at home watching TV every night after work, so I don’t go out and try to do other things that I might really enjoy doing. I guess sometimes you need to take risks to get out of your routine, but I’m just not willing to do it.
So I think you’re right here, Victoria, and you’re definitely not alone. So keeping taking risks when you feel like it’s the right thing to do. And, when you get a chance, keep putting out great content. I’m really looking forward to this “Butt Stuff” article.
yep
That’s 100% me too
Yeah, so this sucked to read because my girlfriend just did this to me. From the other side, it definitely feels as though she’s sacrificing something great for something unknown, and bringing unnecessary depression into both of our lives.
That being said, your reasoning makes sense, and if you’re not happy it’s better to end it now than once you’re married. Loved the writing.
Went through that about 4 months ago. Live now is awesome, as my new chapter has started. Yours will too and you wont look back. Cliche for the day brother
I’m in exactly the same boat. Though she didn’t exactly use these words, this is kind of what I think she was trying to tell me. Although, she threw in the “maybe I’ll come back” thing to make it especially cruel. Plus her name is Victoria, too.
I got the, “maybe I’ll come back” as well. It’s a special kind of hell.
Also the “no, I’m not stringing you along”… It’s been a rough couple months. Stay strong, brother.
I think the best things in life come from “what have I done” moments.
Let me caveat all of this by saying your early 20s is exactly when you should be going through all of this and really determining who you are, so break up, quit your job, move across the country. Do it all now when the consequences are lessened.
That being said, I’m going to take the (what I believe will be) unpopular route in here and say that I actually think that we, in this current age, are too prone to searching for some mystical “right,” and it’s what has made us so unsatisfied with what is “good” in our lives.
Take for instance relationships, we bounce around on Tinder, Bumble, etc. and we’ve got so many options that it becomes “this date was good, but there’s probably perfect out there,” and we tend to give up instead of putting any effort in and calling it “not meant to be.” This attitude has permeated into marriage with people getting divorces as soon as the midlife crisis hits or things get hard. On the other hand, arranged marriages tend to be happier after the first three years because the participants understand that the relationship is a job and you need to learn to make it work.
I’ve found that, at least for myself and those I’m closest to, we really need to take a look at whether we’re looking to make a change because it is what will fulfill us most in the future, or if we’re just doing it because it’s easier to blow it up and assume that Future You will magically make things work, than it is to rebuild and risk real failure.
The fact that we’re programmed to validate our choices after the fact means we’ll almost always say we made the right decision to blow it up in the past. But take some time to really appreciate the life you have, and only then think through what it is you should be doing to make yourself happier long term.
There’s nothing wrong with a “good” life, and the fact that it’s not always stimulating every aspect of your being doesn’t mean it’s not “right.”
Do good, have fun, ya’ll.
I felt this way in my early twenties and the thing that helped the most was therapy. I was chasing this intangible happiness and “right” feeling that I thought would only come if I moved away, chopped off 11 inches of hair, lost 50 lbs (and developed an eating disorder), and got a new job. Things finally feel right for me, but it was a fuck of a journey to go through and having a therapist along the way helped make it easier. Therapy. Everyone should do it.
Can’t agree more. My life finally had enough things going wrong that I couldn’t face on my own and I started therapy. Only a few months in but, even after drastic life changes, my life is on a better path than before.
As a fellow mammal prone to occasional bouts of risk averse behavior, I have found it helpful to ask myself, “What would you do if you weren’t afraid”
The content is strong with this one.
Quit your job, you can always settle for the good enough life, if you don’t leave now you never will and soon enough you’ll be 50 regretting that you never gave it a shot at “right”