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Let me tell you a little bit about my hometown. I am from Joliet, Illinois, a suburban city located about 45 miles southwest of Chicago. Notable landmarks in Joliet include the old prison which held notorious criminals such as “Joliet” Jake Blues, our two casinos, and the restaurant Chicken-N-Spice, home of the best chicken you’ll ever eat. The citizens who inhabit Joliet are mostly hard-working middle class people, a reflection of the city’s blue collar roots. The rest of the population is comprised of burnouts, losers, and other dregs of society who have a penchant for constantly finding themselves in trouble that likely could have been completely avoided in the first place.
Together, these upstanding citizens join forces to create some of the greatest police blotter entries you’ll ever read, like the guys who shot four people over a game of dice at a going away party held for someone headed to prison. Similar to how Florida constantly pumps out all those stories about swamp monsters and crazy people, Joliet is a breeding ground for hilariously stupid crime stories that make you wonder “How the hell does that even happen?”
With that as your background, I would like to share with all of you what is perhaps the most Joliet story ever. It has all the quintessential elements: A bar fight that got way out of hand? Check. Weapons fired? Check. Possible drunken driving leading to wanton destruction of property? Check, check, and check!
Let’s start by taking a moment to admire this headline: “Arrow Flies After Bar Fight That Led to Walmart Parking Lot Demo Derby.” It’s beautiful, isn’t it? Any one of those things on their own would have made for a ridiculous enough story, but these guys rolled all of them into one! Buckle in everyone, you’re in for a wild ride with this one.
The chaos started with an early Saturday morning brawl at the Shorewood tavern Bedrocks, police said, where Kevin Troesch, 23, squared off with John Bailey, also 23, and they both got thrown out.
Bailey took off in a Mercedes, and Troesch left the bar in a Saturn driven by 24-year-old Jacob Ward, police said, and the two vehicles bumped each other as they headed east on Jefferson Street.
Bailey then pulled alongside the Saturn and invited Troesch to fight again, so the two cars turned into the Inwood Golf Course parking lot.
Bailey and his unidentified passenger exited the Mercedes, police said, and Bailey pulled a bow and arrow out of his trunk.
Bailey let an arrow fly and it hit one of the Saturn’s doors, police said. Ward then drove off but allegedly hit the Mercedes on the way out of the parking lot.
Further background: Shorewood is the town right next to Joliet and has a bunch of bars everyone goes to, including the aforementioned Bedrocks. I have been to Bedrocks, as well as the other fine Shorewood establishments, many times and fights are not an uncommon occurrence at those places. In fact, the only newsworthy part of that story is the fact that the fight didn’t end with someone getting a bottle bashed over their head, a sight I’ve seen multiple times when out at those bars.
Playing bumper cars on a public road at night after getting kicked out of a bar sounds like a safe and totally reasonable way to carry on this confrontation after getting ejected from the bar, though. And what better venue to continue your brawl than a municipal golf course parking lot? We’re a classy bunch in Joliet, as you can tell.
The real highlight here is the bow and arrow, obviously. Bailey really took the phrase “I’m gonna pop the trunk on your ass” to a whole new level by busting out the bow and arrow that was on hand in his car. Props to him for going Robin Hood on everyone’s ass in a parking lot fight. I’m sure he envisioned himself as Legolas slaying the Oliphaunt in Return of the King as he fired an arrow at a god damn car door. Don’t bring your weak shit to a bow and arrow fight, as we say in these streets apparently.
Fortunately, the story peacefully ends here as cooler heads prevailed, realized how needless it was to continue fighting and… LOL NOPE.
The two cars then ended up in the Walmart parking lot where they repeatedly struck each other some more.
At some point, Troesch switched places with Ward and took the wheel of the Saturn, police said, and he proceeded to circle the Mercedes and repeatedly ram it.
Perfect, absolutely perfect. This is the only logical way for this ridiculous altercation to conclude. Bashing into each other’s cars in a Wal-Mart parking lot after getting kicked out of a bar. The police eventually came to arrest these imbeciles, but I think they should have just continued to let them duke it out in the parking lot until they Darwin Awarded themselves out of existence. Never change, J-Town. I’ve never been prouder to “Rep Da Et” than I am today..
[via The Joliet Patch]
Image via Lucian Milasan / Shutterstock
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Good ol’ Joliet
Or “Joilet” as it is lovingly referred to.
“I’m sure he envisioned himself as Legolas slaying the Oliphaunt in Return of the King as he fired an arrow at a god damn car door.”
Fantastic line.
Ah, Joliet, with its great skyline of the citgo oil refinery, state prisons, and Asian carp invested canals. The only town that made Lewis a real college and not a community college with dorms, because fuck romeoville.