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Having a full head of hair and preaching about the treatment of the bald is similar to shouting from the rooftops about being a male feminist. Sure, your cause is noble, but no one is going to take you seriously because you haven’t had to go through the pain and suffering of the group you’re supporting.
But enough is enough. The treatment Prince William has received on social media lately has caused me to take a step back. It’s time we begin treating bald members of the royal family like human beings.
Prince William has always had, well, issues up top. Yes, the rest of his life is one big bachelor party, but that all falls by the wayside when he has to look into a 24 karat gold mirror every morning and see the barren wasteland that is his scalp.
You think it’s easy being Prince William? He has to look at his younger brother every single day and wonder, “Why was he blessed with a full head of hair while I got stuck with being King of England one day?” Wondering whether you’d rather have a full head of hair or being the King of England is valid when you’re in his shoes. You can easily make the case that Prince William would rather be Prince for the rest of his life rather than have the inconvenience of being a fucking king. Throw a full head of hair into the mix? Sold, sold, sold.
Just look at this photo from noted magazine and online publication Town & Country.
I’m not going to criticize a magazine that once made me one of their most eligible bachelors of 2017, but using that photo of Prince William as their featured image on a column about parenting is just downright malicious. You can’t even see his face. All you see is a last ditch, desperate attempt at keeping some hair up top. He’s about 12 months out from calling the fight and shaving what’s left of his wispy locks off.
Meanwhile, we’ve got Prince Harry yucking it up with William’s wife at tea parties while rocking a full head of luxurious red hair.
Can you imagine? It’s one thing to be jealous of your younger brother, but to be embarrassed by a fucking ginger? That enough is a reason for him to abdicate (yes, the only reason I know what that word means is because I watched The Crown on Netflix – no big deal but kind of a big deal).
As a newfound bald rights activist, I’ve finally begun to feel the pain that Prince William must feel on a daily basis. Unlike his brother, he can’t just play polo without spraying some Banana Boat SPF 50 on his forehead. No longer does he just have to worry about his goggle tan while skiing, but his headband tan as well. These are real life hells that he has to confront.
Just look at this photo from 2014 where he’s weirdly sitting bulkhead on a commercial flight.
Just three years ago, he had as much as a mediocre head of hair. Of course, you never want someone describing your hair as “mediocre,” but come on. It’s better than what he’s dealing with today.
But what can he do? Hair plugs? Royals don’t get hair plugs – the most famous Brit to get hair plugs is Wayne Rooney, and that’s where the buck stops. Rogaine? I’m afraid that ship has sailed. Hats? He’s not a Sigma Chi pledge, so wearing a hat with a suit is simply out of the question.
Poor bastard has nothing left but to wait to cover it up with a crown. Damn shame. Our thoughts are with you, Prince William. .
Image via YouTube
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Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
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Wow. Throwing major shade at gingers. Hope she has a comfy couch.
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Yea, but his wife is still smoke and he’s a goddamn prince so it’s all good.
If you’re a prince you will perpetually outkick your coverage. William could be 250 lbs, bald, playing World of Warcraft all day and he’d still have dames knocking on his door.
Got to respect a man who has all the means necessary to fix the problem, but just let’s it play out. A true hero of the cause.
The username and take are fantastic.
As someone who is 27 with thinning hair, I may or may not have done some research on hair styles for receders.
His only real option appears to be the Statham look – a clean 2 on the sides, get rid of whatever is left on top, and grow a very faint beard.
He 100% needs to just jump on the Statham look, nothing wrong with it at all. Or go with the badass bald and a full beard look, like the American wall that is Tim Howard.
If he would’ve jumped on this early, he could’ve done a transplant and few would’ve known. When most people think of “plugs”, they think of cutting up the back of your head and transplanting it. In reality, they’ve got robots out here sucking follicles individually and shooting them into your trouble spot. Neograft. Look it up. It’s expensive, and you’re signing up for propecia and potential dong problems.
Intimately familiar with the intricacies of FUE, I will probably have the procedure done in the next 3 or so years.
Me: What if they fall out?
Doctor: I’d put you on Propecia to make sure they don’t fall out.
Me: Can’t that screw with my testosterone and boners?
Doctor: I’d put you on Testosterone Replacement Therapy if that happened.
Me: Nice.
I’m not sure how true this is but I’ve read that he is not allowed to undergo any cosmetic/elective medical procedures.
Wouldn’t surprise me at all. Seems like it’s against everything The Royal Family would be cool with.
If he comes to Chicago he won’t be able to drive 10 minutes without seeing the obvious solution.
New Urlacher looks like the definition of average.
This is a crime. He looked bad ass bald.
This weirds me out every time I see it. Every time.
Is it ironic that William is named William and Harry is named Harry?
Hey Will, as a fellow bearded man, what trimmer do you recommend? I’ve gone through three trying to find one that provides a clean, even trim throughout. I’ll even buy it on amazon
I actually just get my beard trimmed by the same person who cuts my hair. Her name is Theresa.
Well now I’m just feeling like an inferior man. That never even crossed my mind. Gracias amigo.
I just don’t trust myself to do it myself, so I use my Wal-Mart buzzer sparingly.
I’ve always used a trimming mishap as an excuse to rock a handlebar mustache for a few days. Ladies love (hate) it
Fellow bearded brethren here. Barber shop trim is the best way to go. Not sure what side of your new neighborhood you’re on but there’s a Rooster’s at Holcombe and Stella Link. I’ve been to other locations and they do a very fine job. And give you beer while you wait.
I’ve used a Remington buzzer I bought at Walmart for years. My beard is in between numbers, so I don’t use a guard; needless to say, it’s been trial and error. 1.) Always trim with the grain, and trim down, never up. 2.) Go slow, taking as little off as possible with every pass until you are confident about what it will look like 3.) If your facial hair grows back as fast as mine, if you make a minor mistake just put the buzzer down and walk away; it will grow back to where it originally was in a day or so and the only person who will notice the mistake is most likely you. 4.) Once you get it looking the way you want it, snag a selfie for yourself as a future reference. 5.) There’s tons of DIY info on Pinterest and Youtube. 6.) Patience and a steady hand are all you really need; with a little practice you will be lining yourself up like a pro in no time.
Hope that helps.
Prince George is style goals tho
What British aristocrat isn’t though?
Major feels Willy, I’m balding at 23. It doesn’t hinder anything when you’re tall though.