It’s Appalling And Outrageous That I’m Being Asked To Do Actual Work At My Place Of Work

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Some people will tell you that if you stop getting assignments at work that it means that you’re more than likely on your way to getting fired.

But what about the people of the working world who are simply afterthoughts in their office? I’m talking, of course, about the Miltons. And maybe that’s you. It’s certainly been me before.

And while the day does seem to go by exponentially faster when there is actual work to be done, I have to say that I love being the office afterthought. Never having responsibilities or deadlines because you’re so far down the totem pole that other people in your office have literally forgotten you work there is a blessing.

If the internet restrictions are particularly lax, I’m guessing there are people reading this who actually watch Netflix in their cube. People who take two or three bathroom breaks an hour and spend more time they should shooting the shit with office buddies about their stupid fucking fantasy football teams.

I mention how good it is to be an afterthought because I’ve been knee-deep in paperwork for the past few weeks. I’m looking in the rearview at my time spent as an afterthought right now. I’ve just been absolutely buried.

For the first time in a long time, I find myself working for a majority of the day, and you know what? It really fucking sucks. Working is awful. There, I said it. I’m no longer afraid to go there.

I know I sound like a worse version of those HBO commercials for Bill Simmons’ failed talk show. I know that this sounds like a psychotic complaint.

“Wait, John. Hold on a second. So you’re telling me that you’re pissed off because you’ve been having to actually do work at your place of work all day? The place where they pay you money to do exactly what you’re bitching about doing?”

Yes. That is exactly what I’m telling you. Never have I held a job before my current one where breaks aren’t exactly discouraged, but they are certainly frowned upon. It’s almost as if my boss expects me to come in at 8:00 a.m., stay until 5 or 6:00 p.m., and show him proof that I’m doing the job he hired me to do. I thought this was America. I thought this was the land of snaking it until you make it.

I’m expected to be at my desk all day long plugging away on dual monitors and not reading about how Birkenstocks with socks are the latest fashion trend sweeping runways in Milan and Paris. I’m told to e-mail higher-ups with updates on where I’m at on various projects rather than scrolling Twitter and Instagram for dank memes.

I don’t have time to get up from my desk for hours on end. I’m fast-walking like a mother of two in a suburban mall to the Keurig in the office break room to grab another cup of Cafe Bustelo. I’m eating my lunch at my desk while I continue pounding away on my keyboard. It’s fucking ridiculous.

Do people actually live their lives like this? I just can’t wrap my head around the fact that people don’t take fun internet breaks to read hilarious articles.

Do I really have to expect that for the next thirty odd years I’ll have to actually work while I’m at work? Doesn’t seem like very much fun in my honest opinion. As a millennial, this is not what I signed up for when I entered the workplace.

Image via Unsplash

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Johnny D

fashion icon. @dudaronomy on twitter. e-mail:

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